It's Not Just a Physical Fight

It's been one of those days... not quite events, but emotions.  Yes, I've always been an emotional person in general.  I'll watch 10 year old Friends reruns and still get choked up when Ross and Rachel get back together!  But things just didn't go my way today and I found myself for the first time really feeling down... because I have cancer.

I grew up watching my mother battle breast cancer (which eventually evolved into bone cancer) for my entire childhood.  Cancer was a part of our family, my sister and I knew no different.  We watched my mother slip in and out of remission over her 8 year battle.  I was 14 when she passed away.  This year is my 14th year of life without her.  December 4th will be the 15th anniversary of her passing (as well as the 8th year anniversary since my first diagnosis - the same day).  I have reached the point where I will know more in life without her than I did with her.  It's a strange feeling, and hurts to look at it that way, but it reminds me to remember the wonderful things about her.  

She taught me a lot in life, but what I have held on to the most, and she doesn't even know she taught me, is to how to stay strong and be a fighter.  Yes, I am a peppy, optimistic person.  But my mother has me beat.  Her optimism beamed; her never-give-up attitude could almost annoy you.  I have found myself, unknowingly, falling into her optimistic, cancer patient footsteps.  I run around from to job to job everyday, stopping for a happy hour drink, fitting errands in my day, and dinner with friends.  That girl has cancer?  You wouldn't believe it if you saw it.  She looks healthy, still has her hair (great hair might I add, haha), and will talk about the most materialistic things (like fall collections now in stores!) instead of life's hopes and dreams.  (Now if you sat with me for a bit and heard my cough and 80-year-old voice that I blame on "allergies" you may begin to wonder).  While I'm out of the house, I'm me.  No one I encounter knows my secret and I can be myself.  But when I come home, I stop lying to myself and face the facts.  

I deal with the medial bills.  I sort through which cream will work on my latest rash.  I make multiple meals to get me through the next day in case I don't feel well and cannot cook for myself.  When I come home, I am a cancer patient.  I become lost in my thoughts - jealousy, frustration, and hope.  It kills me on the inside that I cannot afford a summer trip with friends this summer.  It makes me insanely jealous that I have been invited on FOUR float trips and I've had to turn them all down because my white blood counts are too low.  I become annoyed that as much as I love the pool and time in the sun, the sun does not love my body and leaves me feeling ill.  I want to be able to stay up past midnight and have a night on the town (that has happened maybe twice this summer).  I can't physically stay awake or I become irritated with my non-existent voice by that point and just want to curl up in my bed.  

I am so quick these days to say, "It's just a pill!  Easy peasy!  What I went through last time was 10 times worse." that I haven't given myself the chance to allow for me to be a cancer patient again.  Yes, it is definitely easier this time around, but it's still cancer.  I look normal and for the most part can do most normal things (although eating 5 full meals a day isn't quite normal, haha).  I've finally come to the realization that even though the treatment and side effects are much simpler this time, I am still a cancer patient.  I've been so quick to tell others that I'm well, that I started lying to myself that it really is this easy.  

I reflect on the evenings with my mom when she would come home after a long day of work and instead of being a cancer patient, she had to be a mom.  She didn't let us see her sadness or pain.  I have unknowingly done the same.  Now, having cancer doesn't mean everything in your life changes, especially with the simplicity of treatment I'm receiving, but some changes do need to be made.  I have allowed for change in the physical aspects of life, but not the mental or emotional... and after 3 months of treatment I am finally realizing this.

I had an impromptu dinner with someone very close to me tonight, Aunt Ronna.  Aunt Ronna has been in our lives since we were kids and has always been a mother figure to me.  She is my good friend, Stephanie's, mom.  Ronna is also a survivor.  We have always discussed stories, years ago it was about my mom, these days about my personal experiences.  But tonight our talk made me reflect on a level that even I didn't know needed to be visited.

I have said over and over again how blessed I am in life to have such wonderful girlfriends.  The  phone call in March informing me I had relapsed caught me 110% off guard.  I stood in the living room not sure what to do next.  I called my sister first.  I got the initial tears and words of anger out, as well as some sort of a plan to gain some control of my life back.  But when I got off the phone with her I didn't know what to do next.  It was around 3 in the afternoon - everyone I knew was at work and I didn't even know where to begin.  I just needed a hug.  I was packing to babysit for the night and I needed to pick up the girls from school in less than an hour.  But I couldn't concentrate - all I wanted was a hug.  Blush (the boutique where I work) is only 5 minutes away and I knew Sarah was working (owner and great friend).  I texted her that I was on my way to stop by for a few minutes (because a few minutes is all I really had).  I walked into her office, face red and swollen.  The second I saw her I just started crying again and could barely spit out the words "It's back."  We hugged and hugged and she cried right along with me.  Since that day Sarah has gone the extra step checking up on me and providing me with more love and attention I could ever ask for.  And she's not doing it because I have cancer, she's doing it because she's a wonderful friend.  My friend Rachel, who was pregnant when I relapsed and recently had a beautiful baby boy, still finds time in her day to let me know she's thinking of me.  Steph and Lisa are always checking up on me from Chicago.  JRob will joke and poke fun about it with me as well as share my tears and buy my drinks.  When a girls' day or night doesn't always work out, Maaria happily makes her self available to hang out.  Katie sends her love with flowers and Lucy pics from Colorado.  Curt does everything possible to make my life simplier (like catching the woman who hit my car and left the scene as well as upgrading my tv because if I'm going to be stuck in bed for a day, I should be able to watch Dirty Dancing in HD, haha).  And I will always have Krissy and Amy - it doesn't matter what time of day I need them, if I called, they would come.  And I could go on about my friends.  I truly am blessed.  But if I have this many friends who care for me and go out of their way for me... why do I feel so alone?  I didn't realize it tonight that I was experiencing this feeling until I had dinner with Aunt Ronna (who also takes care of me with delicious meals).  

I come home at the end of the day, and it doesn't matter how many cards were sent in the mail, I still feel lonely.  I forgot about this feeling.  I thought it wouldn't come back this time around since my treatment was so simple.  But battling cancer isn't just a physical battle, it's mental one as well.  I'm only 3 months in, and my everyday life hasn't changed all that much, but it has found me.  I watch my friends buy houses and take extravagant trips while I've only been graduated from college for one year.  It will be years until I am financially on their level.  Cancer the first time pushed me back in life.  Thank goodness I went back to school when I did!  But it's extremely frustrating to watch my life get pushed back again while I find mylself once again battling.  It's like being in high school and watching everyone else get invited to the party on Friday night but you.  I feel like I'm missing out.  It's a trivial and immature emotion to dwell on (which is why I compared it to a high school party), but it's a strong emotion as well.  I know I'm not alone.  I have 2 roommates, JRob who lives within walking distance to me, and more friends just down the road.  I have a classroom full of high-energy children that sometimes make me wish I had alone time! (ha, kidding).  I work 2 retail jobs where I'm always meeting new people and holding new conversations.  So how is it during my busy, busy day, I still come home feeling lonely?  Thank you, Aunt Ronna, you reminded me tonight that I'm normal, and even though I'm not alone, it's still okay to feel lonely.  

There are not many who understand, but she is one of them.  The feelings and emotions that come along with a cancer diagnosis are strong and can be harmful.  Part of the blame is on the chemical imbalance I am experiencing from the the poison I put in my body everyday.  But the rest of it is from trying to keep up in life while not feeling left behind because of a health handicap that I did not ask for nor deserve.  After talking with Ronna tonight I couldn't believe how much I was ignoring my negative feelings and hiding them.  I watched my mother fight with strength and courage, not letting a bad day get in the way of time spent with her girls.  She's not here today to tell me that is not the only way to be a survivor - I need to make time for myself mentally and emotionally.  I'm not alone, but it's okay to feel that way.  The only person who understands what I'm feeling is someone who is also experiencing life with cancer.  I have a lot in common with my friends, but cancer is not one of them.  As generous and loving as they are, they will never understand.  And that's not a fault in friendship, that's just an annoyance of having cancer.  So if you ask me how I am, and I say I'm feeling great today, I'm not lying - I probably do feel really well that day.  But mentally, I'm working on it.  I'm adjusting that it's okay to be annoyed, jealous, sad, and frustrated.  I need to accept those feelings and work with them, not hide them in my 18th meal of the day.  You ever have one of those days that you just don't feel well and comfort food is the best medicine?  I think that is what food as turned into for me for the past few months (although it really does help cure my nausea).  Driving home tonight was the first time I felt full from food in a long time.  

Talking with Aunt Ronna tonight has opened my eyes to more than she or I had imagined.  Yes, cancer sucks, but at the end of the day I'm here, and I'm getting healthy, so all negative feelings aside, life really is good.  But now, it's time to work on allowing those negative feelings in... as well as letting them go.