December 4th

I woke up stirring around in my bed a bit, unhappy to be awake before my alarm.  I rolled over and opened my eyes to notice the hall light was on.  I laid quietly and could hear someone downstairs.  I looked at the clock - I still had a good 30 minutes of shut eye.  I rolled over again, hoping to fall back asleep, wishing my dad would remember I hate it when he leaves the hall light on - I like sleeping in complete darkness and that little light under the door drives me nuts!  But then again, why is he even up?  I am the first one up in the house on school days.  Is it Saturday?  Is my clock wrong?  Then it hit me - my mom.  Something must have happened.  The anxiety began to build.  She was last with us on Thanksgiving, before she slipped into another coma.  This coma seemed to be a long one.  Everyday when I would come home from school my dad and the dog would greet me at the door.  We would hug and I would always ask, "Did she wake up today?"  It was just a few days ago when instead of hearing, "Not today.", I was responded with, "Honey, I don't think she's going to wake up from this one." 

I laid there, not wanting discover the truth, but I already knew.  It didn't take long for me to figure it out, nothing felt right about that morning - and I had only been awake for a few minutes.  I put on my slippers and walked downstairs.  My father was in the kitchen already making breakfast.  He turned and looked at me as I entered the kitchen.  "Why are you up?", I asked.  Without any words, he came over and hugged me, "She passed away in her sleep last night."  

I don't remember too much more about that day, just a lot of people in and out of the house.  It was really hard to say goodbye to her Hospice nurses, they had become family to us over time.  Relatives, the minister, and neighbors came by to help my father with the organizing and planning for what was to come.  By the end of the day, I was ready for a bit of normalcy in my life.  I was excited that schools were letting out and I waited for Katie to come home.  I walked down the street feeling a bit of freedom from the sadness that loomed in my household.  Unfortunately, it was at Katie's house too.  I didn't stay long, but enough to gain a some peace of mind; and to wish Katie a happy 11th birthday.  

That was 15 years ago, December 4th, 1996.  Since then it has become easier, but it'll never be easy.  But having friends like Katie, and waking up to emails from her, 15 years later, are what keep me strong.  She is no longer two houses down the street from me, instead she's about 4 states away.  But she knows how to be there for me on days like today - even if it is her birthday. 

Thinking of you today. It sucks that all this sickness and side effects are creeping in, but I know your mom is watching down on you and is your biggest cheerleader.  You learned how to be strong and handle adversity from one of the best.  When I think of when we used to hang out in her room with her, I don't remember her as being sick. I remember just a happy mom who would smile even as she got tired and closed her eyes. I see that positive attitude and spirit in you now too. I am amazed at it, but it is one good case of "the apple didn't fall far from the tree". 

Wish I could be there with you today, and way more often for that matter.  Also, thanks for always celebrating with me on my birthday all these years. I have to think that it might not be the time when you want to be all joyous, but I appreciate it.

Love you lots and miss you. Thinking of you always.

Happy Birthday, Katie, and thank you for helping me start the day off right.