12/12/12

December 12, 2012 is being described as a very special and lucky day.  It's the last time we will see a triple sequence such as this in our lifetime.  So I guess that marks it as pretty cool, huh?  I'm going with the thought that 12/12/12 is going to bring everyone good luck, including myself.  This Wednesday, 12/12/12, is my first round of post-chemo scans.  I was a bit nervous about it when I finished treatment, but I think I've had enough time to sit on it for the stress to go away.  Well, most of it anyway.  I've probably played every possible scenario of what can occur in the doctor's room on Wednesday.  Crossing fingers, toes, eyes, arms, and knees.  And sending a few prayers up as well.  You're all welcome to join me :)

DONE!!

Yup, I'm DONE!!!  It's been 20 months since that horrible phone call.  I cannot believe I've been living this uncomfortable lifestyle for so long.  It is an incredible sigh of relief now that it is all said and done.  It's time to move on in life!!!!

Wednesday felt like my birthday, I was blown away with love and support.  The emails, text messages, phone calls and of course facebook reminded me all day long how lucky I am to have so many people rooting for me.  Coming home to flowers before treatment was icing on the cake :)

I was in tears all the way to school on Wednesday, so emotional and excited that the day was finally here.  Finally here!! I was bouncing in the car as Krissy and I drove to Siteman.  My doctor and I hugged several times, both eagerly excited to say, "See you in 6 weeks!"  It has been almost 2 years since we've been able to say goodbye for longer than 4 weeks.  From my doctor's office I danced all the way to treatment while singing Anita Ward's "Ring My Bell".  While we waited in the treatment waiting room Amy joined us and also had "Ring My Bell" stuck in her head.  Mind you Krissy and I headed to Siteman earlier in the afternoon for an early appointment meaning we were stuck with patient "traffic" and waiting for labs, doctor, and treatment; something we are not use to after being spoiled as the last appointment of the day for the past year!  So at this point Krissy was about to hurt me for continually singing about ringing the bell.  She shared her excitement with DELICIOUS chocolate from ka-ka-o.

Treatment was anything but exciting, especially considering it was Halloween.  Since it was a holiday most of the regular nurses were off with their kiddos.  Treatment was also swamped.  My favorite MA was so busy she barely had a moment to stop by and chat.  My substitute nurse thought I was pulling one on her when I told her it was my last treatment.  I told her a year and a half was enough for me!  It was disappointing at the end when I was done - the nurses are suppose to throw a confetti shower for you and come watch you ring the bell.  These substitute nurses had no idea and my farewell was rather mundane.  But Amy will beg to differ that the biggest disappointment of all was that the hot chocolate machine was broken, ha!  While leaving, my MA chased us down with hugs and tears and the congratulatory t-shirt and certificate.  It was very bitter sweet leaving treatment. 

Krissy skyped Katie and we had a bell ringing party.  The enchanting bell.  It was everything I dreamed it would be.  We headed home and feasted on Rich & Charlies, the best comfort food ever.  In my true style I was asleep by 8:00 and there I stayed in bed for the weekend.  For the last time.  Ever. 

Krissy at the foot of my bed ordering our favorite for dinner - Rich & Charlies.

Ok, so I look rather exhausted these days but it's my LAST treatment!!

Time to ring the bell!

No Longer a Fighter

There are instances in life I find myself taking in a moment feeling invincible.  Unstoppable.  No matter what you throw my way, I have the strength and mindset to defeat.  There was a moment a few weeks ago on a very windy day I was taking a walk around the neighborhood with a few of my kiddos.  A gust of wind blew down the street strong enough to make the kids squeal with glee while we were showered with yellow leaves from the trees above.  An older man was sitting on a stoop nearby laughing with us while everything else in the world seemed to stop.  Everything felt right in the world.  No sadness, no pain, only pure bliss.  It's amazing watching these young children respond to the most simplest of moments that most of us take for granted; or don't even notice.

There's a song on the radio that gives me the same feeling.  The song is not about cancer patients, but any cancer patient sure can relate to the lyrics.  Gym Class Heroes featuring Ryan Teddy: The Fighter.

Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter

This song would remind me I'm a fighter.  The scars and the pain only made me want to push harder.  It made me want to show the world that I am strong and I can do this.  It's hell, but I can do it.  I heard the song this morning and for the first time the feeling of empowerment did not overwhelm me.  I wasn't rushed with emotions and determination.  It caught me off guard and I just stood in my tracks as I listened to the lyrics.  Then I smilied.

I'm no longer fighting.  I won.  

TOMORROW!!!

It's here.  It's finally here.  Holy hell I cannot believe it's actually here!  It has been a long journey... one year, eight months, 2 weeks, and 2 days to be exact.  But it's real.  That giant lump in my throat continues to remind me that it's real.  I'm finally going to be done with chemo!!!!  Tomorrow I will ring the bell at Siteman officially marking the end of my treatment.  My doctors have no guarantee what is to be expected in my future, but I plan on ringing that bell tomorrow to announce that I am done with chemo FOREVER!

It’s coming to an end.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been having cancer dreams.  Not exactly sure why, I really do feel indifferent about my soon-to-be life after cancer.  Although it is a big deal to some, there are support groups just for those who need help coping with the fact that cancer is over.  Yes, it sounds very strange, something you’ll never understand until (A) you have cancer and (B) you win.  Let’s hope A never happens to you.  But if it does, I sure do hope you get to B.  

Last week I had a dream that my cancer came back.  I was in a different hospital with beds lined up in a row in what could have also been an airport terminal.  My friends were there, but too far away and they didn’t have time to visit.  My sister was there, but kept leaving me.  I made friends in beds nearby, but after time they all stopped talking to me.  The doctors who were doing my testing couldn’t look me in the eye because it was such bad news and they didn’t want to have to tell me.  Then the guy a few beds down from me had his legs amputated and his bandages were bleeding through.  The woman next to him yelled at me for complaining when I looked totally fine and that guy was bleeding.  The dream ended with me crying all alone in my hospital bed.  HOW HORRIBLE!!

In another dream from earlier this week I was going through testing again but I didn’t need it because I already knew it was back.  All the patients around me were standing with their poles wearing long colorful gowns, sad for me.  But I was cheery and continued to reassure them that it was all going to be okay. 

In last night's dream my friends were all in a party house attached to a cancer wing.  I was sneaking back and forth between the party area and the cancer wing.  The party house was designed with wood texture, filled with tons of people, trendy furniture, and a rooftop party that never ended.  The people in the house continued to remind me I needed to take it easy and rest.  The cancer wing was a very pale cream, blue, and yellow overloaded with cancer patients.  They were all much older than me and looked much sicker.  I was the youngest one there.  They nurses were complaining that they were understaffed and needed more help.  Every minute another patient died from a stroke so I was going from room to room helping the nurses.  I had cancer, too, but since I was alone and looked healthy they were going to wait to treat me.

I’m not sure what’s up with my subconscious?!  There have been too many all similar to these lately.  I do know for sure that I’m looking forward to being done with ANNOYING side effects and regaining my energy.  I’ll figure out what my brain is trying to tell me once I’m really said and done with treatment and my post-treatment tests.  I do my first set of scans 6 weeks after my last treatment.  It sure will be the best Christmas present a girl can ask for!

It was one of those mornings!

I’m actually a rare breed who looks forward to Monday’s.  I love seeing the kiddos refreshed and ready for school.  Their happy energy gives me an extra pep in my step.  But thing is, they already wore me out on Sunday, so Monday was suddenly a different story!  I spent Sunday morning at school with my families sprucing up our school yard, something we do a couple times a year; it was nothing new to me.  But coming home for lunch and feeling 100% exhausted was!  I am not made for physical labor these days.  I spent the rest of the day on the couch.  I made a trip to Target in the evening and then found my bed.  It wasn’t just the exhaustion as much as it was my numb fingers that were bothering me.  My hands are staring to struggle again.  I have achy fingers with the once again non-string cheese opening fingers.  Yard work definitely strained my hands more than I had expected!

So there I am Monday morning, wiped out, dragging, trying to get myself together for an unusually early morning at school.  I pride myself on being up and out the door in 15 minutes before school.  That was not so much the case on Monday.  As I was getting dressed (with clothes picked out the night before) I notice my fingers are still numb.  Eh, no biggie, I’m getting use to this fact with life these days.  But then I found myself in a predicament; I couldn’t zip my pants.  Yes, they are a big snug from the weight I’ve put on, but come on, they aren’t that tight!  My fingers weren’t strong enough to pull the zipper up.  I’ve created new calluses on the side of my index knuckle as well as the skin in between my thumb and index finger from discovering new ways to open things.  But neither of those worked.  I found a hook and pulled my zipper up that way.  But then CRAP, I could not get my pants buttoned.  I tried every position possible but that damn button was not going in the hole.  My fingers no longer have the skills to push a button through a hole.  So solution?  Find new pants.  ARG, this is so making me late.  I found pants with a button that didn’t stand a chance to my weak and measly fingers and finally made it to school.

School was actually great, packed with a Grandparent Breakfast, playing in the rain, and happy-go-lucky children.  But come nap time I hit a wall and wanted so badly to curl up with them.  Many times I do in order to get some much needed shut-eye during nap time, but I was afraid if I took a nap it would make me feel even more groggy.  So I pushed through like I do best and found myself in bed at 5:00 after school.  My fingers and I were beat!  It was definitely a frustrating day, but of course no real complaints.  Lesson learned: invest in more leggings!

Addicted to Grey's Anatomy

Over the summer I found myself sitting down to lunch on the couch watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy on Lifetime.  I was quickly addicted!  I'm halfway into season 6 and I can't turn it off!  Bailey has me laughing all the time, Izzie and Denny have me in tears, and Meredith needs to get over the fact that life gave her lemons and make some freaking lemonade, not drown in it!

Season five had me reflecting a lot as I watched Izzie battle cancer.  She was surprised to realize how hard it was to not just make the appointments and go through initial testing, but to tell the people who she loved that she had cancer.  I remember that was very challenging for me as well.  It's almost like you feel the need to tell everyone in your life or else you are living a lie.  But who runs around shouting, "I have cancer"?!  You never know how people are going to react.  Will they burst out in tears?  Tell me about their friend's cousin's grandpa who had pancreatic cancer?  Or say the most horrible thing cancer patients dread, "Everything is going to be okay."  Well I know it's going to be okay, but right now it feels like the whole entire world just collapsed so feel some grief with me please!

During treatment Izzie was up out of her bed trying to keep her mind off of the cancer world while the world around her continually told her to get back in bed and rest.  She didn't realize they were right until it was too late and her body rejected her choices.  Hmmm, I'd say I'm currently experiencing that one!

At the end of treatment Izzie received good news that she was through the hard part; and it hit her like a brick wall.  It's so strange, that feeling when treatment is over and it's time to move on with life.  I focused a lot on it last spring in a post when I reentered remission.  I think that since I've been sitting on this remission cloud for the past 8 months I couldn't be more ready to move on.  I act normal, seem normal, and look normal that I think everyone around me has checked out of the Mel-has-cancer world, too.  The first half of this drug I had so many cards and frozen meals coming at me I was overwhelmed with love.  Now a days I'm usually asked, "How many more?" like it's no big deal since I've been on the drug for so long.  Eh, I guess it's kinda not.  Although deep into the hangover last week I would have argued that, ha!

It's nice having a show where I can check out of the real world and get wrapped up in the crazy drama of Seattle Grace Hospital.  MUCH better than Barnes Hospital :)