You know you have a fractured rib when...

You know you have a fractured rib when you say "AHHH-OWE" instead of "AHH-CHOO".  Yup, it's back.  Not sure if it was ever for sure healed, but it is NOT happy now!  All that coughing from the pneumonia has it back in hurting action.  Unfortunately, my cough is not produced from phlegm but instead movement - so far meds have not helped the cause.  I am found throughout my day at school singing with my kids and holding my chest trying to apply pressure to the discomfort... this is a very strange injury!  I've had a lot of medical issues in my years, but this is by far one of the strangest to deal with!  Time to google coughing remedies....

Back in Good Health!

It sure does feel good to feel good.  I started back to work last Monday, and yes, Monday was too early to go back to work.  I will admit, another day or two in bed would have been nice.  But I’m pretty sure the kid’s spirits healed me the most.  I had just spent 7 straight days in bed… 5 ½ of which in the hospital.  I would say my strength is about 98% restored and I’m back into the routine of things.  FEELS GOOD!

I saw my doc last Wednesday… of course looking quite healthy and normal by this point with it being 5 days out of of the hospital.  She entered the room and just looked at me and laughed saying, “What happened?!”  I never saw her personally during my stay in the hospital, the oncology doctors on my floor were in touch with her about my status as well as her nurse coordinator and I were in touch during the week as well.  When I’m sick, I look sick.  But when I’m feeling well, I for the most part to not show any signs of being a cancer patient.  Slightly hard to believe I was at my lowest in years last week.  She is overall very happy with my current health status.  My blood counts aren’t bad… not great… but good enough for her (and my trial requirements)!  My vitals (pulse, blood pressure, temp, etc.) were off the charts crazy during the intensity of the infection, so she was happy to see them back to normal as well.  On paper I look good, and in person I feel good.  Sooooo good to feel good!!

As for my nupogen shots… She’s holding off on those again.  I had blood tests weekly last month to monitor my counts and they never dropped low enough to take me off the trial (phew!) so there was no need for the shots.  She has decided she just wants to push through this month – no blood tests or shots – and just see how it goes.  I do scans again in 4 weeks… We will see how these tumors have been doing for the past 2 months.  Standstill is necessary…. Shrinking is always welcome!!  Growing…. Well, that has yet to occur since I started the trial so hopefully that is something that will not need to be thought about or discussed any longer.

Well, that pretty much wraps up the facts.  Pretty simple – I like it!  I’ve done a lot of reflecting on my mini vacay at Barnes and am realizing I have some life changes to make.  I need to slow down in life.  Sleep more.  Party less.  Learn to say no to friends and invitations.  I love being busy – it’s what I do best.  But unfortunately I have reached a point in my life where less is more.  I really need to pay attention to my body.  Yes, that is much easier said than done.  It’s crossed my mind about a career change… it was my kiddos who I originally caught my infection from (but my body is weaker than theirs and it quickly transformed into pneumonia where as they just ended up with a runny nose).  It puts a GIANT lump in my throat just thinking about not spending every day with my kiddos.  No, I am not making any drastic decisions in life quite yet.  I am too in love with my job.  But it’s on my mind… unfortunately.   Right now I’m living month to month… sometimes week to week… waiting to hear about my blood count levels.  It is nerve wrecking and absolutely annoying.  I’m really hoping my body will just finally adjust and stop jumping all over the charts.  I’m ready to regain some of my freedom.  I’ve lost lunch breaks for impromptu blood tests.  I miss Wednesday meetings at school because that is the only time I am scheduled to meet with my doc – there is no freedom.  I haven’t totally lost control of my life – but it’s changing, whether I like it or not.  I was hoping by now, 6 months into this, there would be more of a schedule; more of an expected routine.  But here we were on Wednesday are discussing my unexpected week stay in the hospital and the possibility of shots in the future… with no real idea of what is to come.  It’s a wait and see game – I prefer games that involve the Carman Kids and Pictionary… or a Saturday by the pool with Jello shots.  SO, I’m not making any rash decisions at the moment… but I’m keeping all career, living, and relationship options on the table… until we hopefully figure this whole “having cancer for life” thing out!  Shesh!

So to end, like always…. I have also done a lot of reflection on my friendships.  They are truly amazing.  I did not have to make one single meal for myself last week and I cannot thank you all enough for that!!  It truly made my life so much easier.  I found myself several nights stopping by the kitchen when I arrived home from work, and heading straight to my bedroom to pass out for the night.  I felt fine last week, just pretty worn out.  It was the emails, calls, texts, cards, flowers, food, and endless love that made my life so much easier.  Thank you all!!

Home Sweet Home

I've been home for a few days now and it feels good.  I was released around 6:30 Friday evening (there was a bit of drama with them officially releasing me - my nurses and I were worried, but the docs finally came through!).  I found it to be much more emotional that I ever expected when I left.  And by "much more emotional" I mean, I was not expecting it to be emotional at all.  As the staff packed me into my wheelchair with all of my things (and of course there was A LOT that accumulated over 5 1/2 days) I felt my whirlwind of excitement slowly leaving me and a rush of vulnerability take over.  It is always slightly nerve-wrecking when leaving the hospital knowing I don't have a nurse call-light at home.  While my nurse was saying her goodbyes, we both started tearing up.  I don't know how they do it.  Patients constantly coming and going, some not even making it through the night.  I've seen a lot through out my years in and out of living in the hospital.  Oncology nurses become so close with their patients, they are truly the strong ones who help keep us brave.  It's a very personal relationship with a nurse.  They want to know what I ate as well as how much.  When was the last time I went to the bathroom... as well as every detail about it.  Shots in awkward places, sponge baths, and assistance with changing clothes...  They are truly amazing people.  I feel so fortunate being a patient at Barnes - I have always had extraordinary care.  This time was no exception.  As I was wheeled out I was caught by one more nurse to say goodbye, and the tears continued to come.  I hate goodbyes, even if I was only seconds away to freedom.  It's a confusing and overwhelming feeling. 


I climbed into Krissy's car as the clouds rolled in and temperature continued to drop.  I didn't even notice the crappy weather, it was an absolutely amazing sensation.  Krissy rolled down the windows, opened the sunroof and I was in heaven.  Outside air.  It had been a week since I felt freedom.  I continued to shed tears as I let the wind take me over.


We made a pit stop to Walgreens (drop off scripts) and Subway (Krissy's hope that I would eat.  All I really wanted was a fountain Sprite.  I still wasn't doing so well with solid foods...).  Funny enough, by the time we made it home, I was still in tears.  I cried when I saw Kuhn, and I cried when I sent Krissy on her way.  I decided it was time to tuck my emotional self into bed and sleep it off.  Twelve hours later I finally felt refreshed and much less emotional.  It felt AMAZING to sleep a full night (like I said, the longest I've slept in the hospital was 3.5 hours straight - there was ALWAYS someone who needed vitals, tests, blood, meds, etc.).  Sleep and I became reacquainted and have been besties ever since!


Saturday and Sunday were filled with visitors and food.  Krissy had friends in town she was hosting from both coasts, so I made sure she was off duty for the weekend.  Amy stepped up to the plate immediately and took care of my grocery shopping, cleaning, and Walgreens run (something I was going to attempt on my own on Saturday morning.  She insisted on taking me, and by the time we left Walgreens- about 30 minutes later - I was holding on her her for support while she laughed at me for even thinking that I was going to attempt this on my own!). 


Thank you to all of my friends (and the most adorable 2-year-old Adam) who came by to keep my spirits up.  My fridge is STOCKED (the best feeling ever) and I am a happy patient.  Against my friends' wishes, I returned to work on Monday.  Yes, it might have been too early.  My strength was not quite ready to deal with children.  But I was beyond ready for their spirits and laughter - my best medicine.  I really don't think I over did it - I sat a lot and they were very easy on me.  I caught myself just staring at them at various moments throughout the day.  They are so innocent and pure... true blessings in life.  I have no regrets in returning so early.  It was worth every giggle.  Granted, I came home a bit tired.  I grabbed a snack, my computer, and got cozy in bed to do some blogging.  But my eyes suddenly felt heavy.  Catnap time!  I was in and out of my nap for longer than expected, and by 9:00 Kuhn came in and turned out my light for me.  Oops, slept away the whole evening (maybe it was because my bed is SO comfortable - Kuhn cleaned my linens and had it ready for me when I came home from the hospital.  How do you say no to a cozy bed??).  There was nothing else to do but roll over and spend some quality time with my long lost friend, Sleep.  It was another glorious 12 hour sleep.  Funny, I find myself here, Tuesday morning, needing caffeine to keep me going, but I think I have plenty of reason to justify my chi tea lattes since this time last week I was suck in a hospital bed!


It's been a whirlwind the last week or so, but I'm adjusting and moving on.  I'm back in reality and (with the support of friends) being able to fully function again.  It truly is the support of my friends, visitors, gifts, cards of encouragement, flowers, food, and of course Krissy and Amy who have helped get this far.  Let's hope that last week's hiccup is not a repeat and things begin to smooth out.  I see the doc tomorrow morning and we have A LOT to discuss... like lets not let last week happen again!!

Here's to a healthy and productive rest of the month.  Time to play catch-up with life and sleep.  I think I can handle this :)

Day 6 on the Roller Coaster.... Still in the Hospital

Yes, I was admitted FIVE DAYS AGO and I'm still here.  The outside world must think I have some sort of horrible medical issue for them to be keeping me here this long.  But then when friends visit and see how healthy I really am, we brainstorm ideas of how to sneak me out because I look like the healthiest patient here!

Wednesday started as a bit of a crabby day... I blame it on the rainy weather.  I was still having regular fevers.  They are caused from the infection that has yet to be diagnosed.  I can feel the fevers start out before the thermometer even registers it.  The headache and chills begin, and then I am uncomfortably warm until the Tylenol kicks in.  I try to catch it sooner than later, because it grows fast and the intensity of the pain from headache is nothing I want to mess around with!

The two doctors who have been working with me since Monday finally decided to agree to disagree.  Since NO ONE can figure out what is wrong with me and causing these fevers, and they both have different ideas about what the issue is, they decided to bring in infectious disease doctors for Thursday.  From about 4-7pm on Wednesday they finally had a plan of a new med that I was going to take home with me (involving a picc line - a temporary iv - and 30 minutes of a fluid antibiotic twice a day for 2-3 weeks at home... UMM, no thank you) and made discharge orders for Thursday afternoon.  Well they changed their minds 2 more times with 2 more drugs that evening and I ended up going to bed with no drugs to treat the infection... just Tylenol for my fevers. 


Thursday I woke up discovering that discharge orders had been pushed back to Saturday.  SATURDAY?!?!  Seriously, let's just change my mailing address to Barnes Hospital.  But, I also understood their reasoning considering the night I just had.  It was the worst one yet.  I had a fever come on about 8pm Wed, took some Tylenol, and fell asleep just after nine.  But I woke up at 11 with the chills and it even higher.  Strange, it never broke.  The nurse gave me more meds and I was back to sleep.  But back up a 3am in significant amount of pain.  My fever had skyrocketed to its highest degree yet.  Uh oh, docs are not going to be happy with this news in the morning.  I woke up again at 6am to FINALLY sweating it out.  It took 10 hours for it to break.  I felt like we were moving backwards.  I'm never getting out of this place!


The rest of Thursday wasn't bad.... same 'ol, same 'ol.  Fevers come, fevers go.  I met my infectious disease docs and they asked me a million crazy questions (they were very interested in my vacation to San Diego 3 years ago... ummmmmm, WHY?).  They were in agreence with the other docs that I have some sort of viral pneumonia turned bronchitis.  They suggested a med for Thursday evening and while Maaria and I enjoyed an evening of girl talk and walks (feels good to stretch my legs!) I let the new drug work it's magic.  

I went to bed last night without another fever (this is not typical, my roller coaster was not on schedule anymore).  And I woke up this morning with only a low grade fever!  WOO HOO!!  Something is actually working!!  So hopefully we stay on this path and tomorrow is the golden day!!


SIDE NOTE:  While I was rereading this before I post it one of my docs walked in.... and I might have just squealed at with all my might at him.... oops!  At least he laughed!  He was very happy to hear I made it through the night without a high fever and associates that with the new meds.  He's going to try to move up my next dose to early afternoon (I'm not suppose to get it again until evening) and if I keep my fevers under control then he has no worries sending me home today!  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I currently have JaRule circa 2001 playing on Pandora and I am having my own personal dance party in my hospital room.  WOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'M GOING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Rollercoaster Week... In the Hospital

To start off with, I'm feeling MUCH better and there is light at the end of the tunnel!!

I woke up on Sunday feeling like I stayed up all night partying.  When in reality I hung out with Sarah and Toni at Toni's Dad's new house and had a slumber party (yes, I still have slumber parties at age 28).  It was a very relaxing evening on the patio by the pool :).  Sarah and I drove home together that morning and right away we both knew something wasn't right.  I was uber tired, coughing, sore throat, and only wanted to sleep the day away.  I got home, napped, and woke up ready to feel refreshed.  Instead, I felt worse and burst into tears.  My head hurt and I knew right away - it was a fever.  Normally, not a big deal.  But as of last week white counts bottomed out so I knew I had to call my on-call doc.  First I called Krissy.  Of course she had her day booked with three philanthropic events, so she sent over reinforcements - Amy.  Long story short, my fever made it up to 101 and Amy took me to the hospital. 


At that point of the day (common for Sundays), the oncology floors were full.  They wanted me to be treated asap, so I was sent to the ER.  At this point I was feeling worse.  The fever was growing (as well as my headache) but everyone was sooo nice it was hard to feel bad.  Krissy canceled the rest of her day and joined me and Amy for what we thought would only be a 24 hour visit.  The ER bumped me up to the top of the priority list and by the night my fever had broken.  It was the best feeling ever!  But unfortunately, there was still not a bed available on the oncology floors yet so it was slumber party time again - but this time it was in the ER with Krissy (she and I have become pros over the years at cuddling in my hospital bed together).  Oh, and my fever came back around 2am (and did not go away until 1am the following night - awesome).

I made it up to my room on the oncology floor Monday morning, and here I still sit.  I have some sort of infection... it has yet to be determined what it is though.  It is respiratory, and causing non-stop fevers.  They have run every test under the sun and as of now, everything is negative.  At this point, they are thinking it's viral.  I'm on a heavy, general antibiotic once a day.  Other than that there is nothing they can do for me besides keep me comfortable. 

In all honestly, Monday SUCKED.  It is the most miserable I have ever been since my transplant 7 years ago.  The chills, achy body, and headache were the worst.  I couldn't eat anything and could barely walk.  By the end of the day I was in tears from pain and Krissy rubbed my head until I finally fell asleep.  Worst.  Day.  Ever.

I woke up at 1am that night (Tues morning) in an extreme sweat - my fever was finally breaking.  THANK GOODNESS.  It felt amazing.  My nurse was so happy for me.  I was exhausted so she tucked me in and I went back to sleep (I'm not sure if you're familiar with the hospital life, but here, you NEVER sleep.  There is always someone in your room taking vitals, checking your IV, asking random questions, giving you meds, etc.  The longest I have slept yet is 3 hours straight.)

Today has been MUCH better.  A true 180 degrees.  I've had 3 fevers since the early hours of the morning, but they are not as intense and not lasting as long (or maybe I'm just starting to get use to them?!).  One of my nurses discovered my new bff in life - a small white pill that rids of my awful headaches.  THANK.  GOODNESS.  I have not been in pain since my miracle pill :)

They are going to keep me here for the next 48 hours just to monitor my success and make sure I go home completely healthy.  (Maaaaybe if I'm lucky I can talk them into tomorrow?!) My counts are rising and vital signs are getting closer to discharge status.  The staff is so amazing here it's really not that bad.  Slightly boring, and I TOTALLY miss my kids, but it could be worse.  I've been here many times in the past, so I've got the routine down.  When ever I want to eat I just call the kitchen and they send it right up.  And they have the heated blankets - my favorite (very handy during the chills).  Krissy and I went on a walk today which was very nice.  Although it was only around the North Campus of Barnes, it was still nice to stretch my legs (especially considering yesterday I could barely walk without her assistance).  

Just a couple more days of being spoiled (my nurse today called me her 'low-maintenance' patient - love it!) and I'll be at home and on the couch for the weekend.  Looking forward to it!

 

You Can't Put a Price on Friendship

.... But if you did it would be a GIANT number.  

I'm taking my daily tea break from my kiddos and decided it was time to recognize the fact that people didn't just come out to party with me, they wanted to share their generosity.  It's a very strange feeling to have friends give you money.  VERY strange.  Of course I'm grateful and appreciative beyond words, but this is something I would have never expected.  As a child, I attended several fundraisers for my mother.  But when it's for you, it's different.

My fingers are actually shaking as I type right now.  Eyes fighting back tears.  Lump in throat.  I am in shock.....

I cannot say this enough, Thank you.

110% Surprised

Labor Day weekend for me means Girls Trip to Chicago.  For the past several years, my high school girlfriends and I road trip it to Chicago to visit Lisa and Stephanie.  I have become a broken record as I reiterate how much I love my friends and spending quality time with them.  Sheila, Michelle and I hopped in the car after work on Friday and started our 6 our trip with Cheese-its, Peanut M&Ms, a rousing game of Would You Rather, and of course conversations of girl talk that will only remain between us :).  Yes, I was pumped for fun, food, partying, shopping, gossiping, laying out, and relaxation.  

We started our day on Saturday with brunch at Rockit.  DELICIOUS!  The bread basket had cute breakfast pastries, rolls, and doughnuts.  There was live music and an amazing bloody mary bar.  YUM.  We chowed down and I loved every minute of being with my girlfriends.  It was a great start to our day.  We had planned an afternoon of shopping, pizza for dinner, then out for the night - our usual agenda.  But before we wrapped up brunch, Lisa gathered everyone's attention and told me we had a change in plans...

And now come the water works.... I'm reflecting on the rest of the day I don't know if I can even begin to type out what occurred for the rest of Saturday without tearing up!  Here we go again with my sappy emotions...

Lisa hands her camera to Stephanie and turns to me, "We have a surprise for you.  Tonight we are having an event in your honor....." And that's pretty much all I remember coming out of her mouth.  I heard the words English Bar... fundraiser... friends & co-workers... evite... in your honor.... as I was tearing up.  Lisa was beaming as she continued on about the details of the evening.  I was in such shock.  I know about 5 people who live in Chicago.  And 3 of them were already sitting with me!  So who were these people that were attending this event... this event in MY honor?!  I was so incredibly touched.  And SO surprised!  I had NO idea!  Steph and Lisa continued to ask me all day if I any hints that gave it away; they were so nervous and almost convinced that I had an idea.  Well, NOPE!  We left brunch, me in shock, linked arm in arm with Lisa asking for more details about the evening as we walked down the streets of Chicago.  But as she was filling me in about my evening to come, I realized wait.... this isn't just an event to drink at a bar in my honor, it was a FUNDRAISER.  People wanted to share their generosity with me (well, Barnes Hospital that is, haha!).  I've always told my friends that cancer is the easy part - the insurance and medical bills are the headache.  Lisa and Steph took that to heart last spring and began planning.


Lisa and Steph, you have asked me over and over if I was really surprised - Yes, 110%.  I was just talking about surprises with a friend the day before and how I am SO good at catching on and always find out about the surprise (like my 16th birthday, but thanks anyway Amy & Katie, ha!).  This one - I was COMPLETELY in the dark!!  The only other time I have ever been surprised in life was also cancer related.  When I had my transplant in November 2004 I lived in the hospital for 4 weeks.  I came home the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving and it was VERY nerve-wrecking  not having a nurse check on my vitals every hour.  But my nerves were immediately calmed the next day when Amy and Katie came over and helped me dress (in REAL clothes, not pjs!) to head next door to the Fingland's (amazing family friends) for our annual pictionary game.  I walked in with them expecting to find Jason and Bryan playing foosball while Brad chowed down at the kitchen table.  Instead, I walked into a house of my neighborhood friends and their families throwing me a Welcome Home Party.  It felt so good to be home with the ones I love.  Best. Thanksgiving. Ever.

Back to Saturday... I spent the rest of the day high on life.  Hell, I'm still on a high!  Knowing that people have been spending time to plan and organize an event for ME is incredibly touching.  Our day of shopping and eating flew by and next thing I knew we were in a cab on the way to my event.  MY event?!  I was still in shock that this evening was for ME.  We arrived at English, settled in (CUTE bar might I add), met the cool bartender, and Lisa and Steph set up their table with the wrist bands.  People started gathering, I reunited with people I've met in the past as well as met co-workers and friends of my Chicago friends.  Still in shock that they were there, spending money, for me.  While I was lost in conversation with friends, I was interrupted with the biggest surprise of the night.  


I turned around to see my sister smiling with her sly, "GOT YA!" smirk.  (At brunch after the great news, I asked Lisa, "Why isn't my sister here?"  Not that I expect my sister to drop everything and drive 6 hours for this, but I know her very well - she would not miss this.  Funny enough, I called her in the afternoon just to check in and asked her about her day.  She continued to LIE and tell me she was laying on the couch because it was too hot to be outside... and right as she said that it thundered and rained outside of Lisa's apartment.  So she was for sure still in St. Louis - no biggie.  She was just in Chicago two weeks ago...)  Next to my sister was JRob laughing and taking pictures of me freaking out.... and then I saw Kuhn... and then I saw Amy.... and I could NOT STOP squealing!!  I was sooooo incredibly excited.  Best. Surprise. Ever.


My sister, Amy, Kuhn (roommate) and JRob (bestie) were the icing on the cake.  Wait, I take that back.  I'm still trying to accept the icing on the cake... this was a fundraiser.  People were at an event spending their money for me.  This is something difficult to accept - money from other people.  I don't mind letting my sister pick up our dinner check during sister date every now and then, but this is different.  I came home today with a box full of cash.  For me.  I'm honestly still in shock about that.


Since Lisa and Stephanie live in Chicago and wanted to keep the event in their city, obviously people from St. Louis could not easily attend.  And it was a holiday weekend - even most Chicago-ans have booked plans (like me!). But I found out on Sunday night, during a cuddle fest with the girls, many of my St. Louis friends and their families wanted to send money anyway.  I opened card after card after card and shed tears upon tears about the touching words people wrote to me.  And the checks.  And the cash.  I was honestly speechless when I tried to describe in words how touched I felt reading everyone's words of love.  And watching checks fall out of cards.  It's a strange feeling.  No, I'm not not broke asking for handouts at 40 & Kingshighway.  I am able to live a happy lifestyle on my salary.  But after my health insurance premiums, medical bills, student loans (from having to go to school TWICE due to chemo), cancer is really good at wiping me clean!  Bills come and go.  But my medical bills will only come.  Rarely do they go!  I do not find any desire in cleaning out my bank account every month to pay Barnes.  Yes, they deserve their money for keeping me alive, but they will only get so much from me every month because I have more to live for than just paying bills.  That bill will ALWAYS be there.  It's not a stress in my life (mainly because I won't allow it to get me down) but it is an annoyance; a burden that I am constantly reminded about when I check the mail.  Receiving donations to the 'Melissa has cancer fund' has provided me with more relief than I expected.  I do dislike having things hang over my head (like tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills!) but I've become very good at not worrying.  This generosity has given me some comfortable breathing room.  Breathing room I didn't realize I needed... until it showed up.  

For those who attended Saturday, sent cards, provided donations, participated in planning, and overall made me the happiest girl on Saturday, thank you.   I really don't feel like thank you is enough, but since I'm typing and cannot personally hug each and every one of you right now, thank you thank you thank you thank you.  I am beyond grateful.  And absolutely touched.  You let me forget how horrible this disease can be and how it can bring so many people together.


This battle is long from over.  But having my world rocked with such an amazing surprise is making it that much easier for me.  Thank you.


Lisa and Stephanie, there will never be words to describe how much I love you and grateful I am to have you in my life - cancer or no cancer.  Thank you for turning such a horrible part of my life into an amazing reflection of friendship.  Without having support from people like you in my life, I would not be as strong as I am today.  Thank you.