And the tumor roller coaster continues

It's been 4 days since my doctor's appointment, and I have yet to figure out how to put it into words.  I have kept myself busy, not taking time to reflect on the latest news.  But it's time to face the facts.  So maybe I'll start with those... the facts.

On Wednesday I received the results from my Monday scans.  They were my 3rd round of scans since I started chemo.  The first time we saw shrinkage - awesome news.  The second time, they were simply stable - no growth or shrinkage.  My doctor expected this to occur both times - it's a typical pattern for my drug.  This time, our hope and expectation was for the tumors to continue stability.  Unfortunately, the tumors have increased in size.  Even though we are disappointed about the growth, it was not a significant increase, so she is not very alarmed.  They have to grow a certain amount for me to no longer be eligible for the trial.  Fortunately they have not reached that undesired size.


I am at the 6 month marker of my trial.  At this point, doctors usually decrease the dosage amount (to make the side effects easier) and move scans from every 2 months to every 3 months.  But with this annoying growth they are sticking with the same dosage and will have scans again in 2 months... Merry Christmas to me.


My doctor continued to explain that this occurs to some patients on my drug.  It's a roller coaster - some months they grow a bit, other months they shrink a bit.  So we are not going to jump to any thoughts or conclusions until we rescan in December.  If they grow more, I have options of other trials to try (unfortunately, not as amazing as my one-a-day pill).  But if they shrink (pleeease shrink!) then we know my drug just enjoys roller coasters.  Funny, I've never been the roller coaster type. 


Icing on the cake.... before I even met with my doc and got the news, I met with the study coordinator about some new paperwork I needed to sign (I have already pretty much signed my life away to this drug company that's keeping me alive).  This time, I was informed that they now have research proving that this chemo drug - get this - causes cancer.  Seriously!?  So the drug that is keeping my cancer from growing, potentially will cause more cancer in my future?  Awesome.

I'm not upset with the news of my scans, but obviously not overjoyed either.  I've avoided talking about it...  Mainly because there is nothing to talk about.   I don't focus on the negative and definitely don't like to dwell on it.  I was really hoping for stability, and that I could start some sort of routine with this whole cancer thing.  I guess my cancer routine is just going to include no real routine at all.  I'm hugely disappointed.  My tumor size is jumping all over the place on this damn roller coaster.  I have NO idea what is to come with my next scans, but wondering and worrying about it will get me no where.  There's nothing I can do about it so I'm just going to do what I do best - enjoy every day as it comes and live life to the fullest.