I learned last week (and I should have expected this due to the fact that my white counts are high maintenance), my oncologist is interested in weekly blood tests again. This way she can tell exactly when they start to drop too low and when to start my nupogen shots. They only dropped slightly last week so hopefully it'll be another week until I have to start... I go back tomorrow to find out for sure, eek!
At the hospital last week I was wondering about what I should blog about until my attention was drawn to a woman in the waiting room. She was dressed cute (not in pj clothes like most who receive treatment) with bright colors, trying her best to look her best… because she obviously wasn't feeling it. When her name was called, she got up out of her chair to walk back to treatment, but suddenly she looked quite faint. It was obvious she was in pain and struggling. The nurse rushed out to hold her arm and help her walk. She motioned for another nurse to grab a wheel chair quickly. This woman was trying so hard to not make a scene, but it was very noticeable that she was really sick. The nurses are wonderful, not making a big deal about her struggles and helped the woman keep as much dignity as possible as they wheeled her back for chemo. To be polite, nobody in the waiting room watched the scene... but everyone knew what happened. We've all been there. For a cancer patient, it's embarrassing to show weakness. It brought back many memories for me of being wheeled in and out of the hospital because I was too weak to walk. I see myself in so many of the patients today, trying to push through the pain. I had too many similar instances when I moved back to St. Louis from college. I would be in for routine labs and meeting with my doc in between treatments, hoping no one could tell how much pain I was in. But before I could even get out of the lab, the techs caught on and would send me over to the treatment area to treat whatever the issue was for the day (platelet transfusion, blood transfusion, fluid hydration, etc.). My assumption is that the woman from last week did not receive her chemo treatment. Her body was noticeably too weak and she needed more time to heal before her body received more chemo.
As I left Siteman that day I reflected about the woman’s struggles and how far I have come since those days. I’m proud of myself for pushing through. But I am also most grateful that I do not have physical pain and suffering this time around like the other patients I see. Yes, I have side effect annoyances, but there is not much in life that one can compare to high-dose chemo. It’s hell. It’s the most intense physical battle… trying to stay strong and positive while your body is slowly shutting down… not easy. This time I’m not physically suffering (well, except for that random fractured rib last month, ha!). This time it’s definitely a mental battle. It’s not easy to adjust to the fact that I will have cancer for life, but I’m not suffering from pain – this is livable. I can do this. Observing the woman last week put it into perspective for me – what she’s going through isn’t tolerable. But what I am experiencing is… it’s time to suck it up and be the bigger person in this situation – it’s time to accept this life change. I will not let cancer win - physically or mentally!!
I love you! Lots and lots. That's all I got today. :)
ReplyDelete