Will Smith said it best - I'm lovin living, it's all good. I'm seriously on the edge of my seat, only 12 more weeks until I'm completely done with treatment! I am so looking forward to fully functioning fingers. They aches and numb pain has been rather rough this past week, but I'm pushing through. I woke up the other night with zero feeling in my hand. I couldn't move it on my own. I massaged my palm and stretched the fingers until I finally had control again. I'm also looking forward to my hair thickening again. It's getting pretty fine over here!
Probably what I am looking forward to the most is my medical bills coming to an end! Well, at least slow down! I'm use to the periodic doc visits, but those are usually only a few times a year, not a month! I am 100% financially handicapped. It suuuuuuuucks having my life controlled by an empty wallet. Now if I was a big spender and blew all my money then it would be my own fault. But who am I to complain when the reason I'm broke is because I'm still alive? Ironic, isn't it.
No money or all of the money in the world - it doesn't matter. I just need enough to get by because money does not buy happiness. Sure, it can make life easier and buy me things that make me happy, but that's not exactly what happiness means. At least not to me. Any time I was asked as a kid "What do you want most in life?" My response was always "happiness". I always thought happiness meant falling in love and starting a family. Sure, that'll probably make me happy. But today happiness means enjoying everything that I do and everyone who I am with. If it doesn't make me happy, peace out. There are too many things in life not to love! Lovin Livin!
Saturday, August 11
Thursday, August 2
Cycles 11 & 12
I ONLY HAVE 4 LEFT!! 444444444444444444!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sooooo looking forward to October 31st. Seriously, the happiest day EVER! I get to ring the bell!! I remember this time last year writing about wishing I knew where that light at the end of the tunnel was hiding out. Well it's looking pretty bright these days :). I'm not sure you realize how excited I am here... I am going to be done with cancer FOREVER!!! I'm getting teary eyed right now just thinking about it.
So here's the plan:
I have four treatments left (in case you didn't gather that already). The last treatment will be on the last day of October. I will also do scans on my last treatment. Not because we are worried about the tumors, but because it's protocol. Then 6 months after my last treatment I will do scans again. But this time yes, it's because we're all going to be on the edge of our seats wondering if this chemo really worked. My oncologist says she's keeping her fingers crossed. I shouldn't complain about this drug, it has saved my life. But it would be nice if there was some actual research on it! We're all pretty much blind here - no idea what to expect for my future. I say that it's not going to come back. I'm pushing for the power of positive thinking. Let's hope my brain can outsmart my tumors.
Cycle 11 (July 11th):
Katie was in town for the week during treatment so I invited her along to be my caregiver for the day. (And it would be nice to give Krissy a break.) Katie was delighted to join me for an evening at Siteman so Krissy filled her in on my two high maintenance needs: snacks and a good story. Well instead of a good story she one-uped it - she brought an entire notebook of stories. Our high school notebook to be exact. Katie followed me around as we ventured to labs, the doctor's office, and treatment. I'm not sure if I've ever laughed as much during treatment as I did that Wednesday. Although growing up 3 houses apart, Katie and I went to different middle and high schools. Before texting was around, we communicated through a notebook. We would take turns writing in it and passing it back and forth. Let me tell you - it was a laugh-so-hard-you're-crying kind of a read. The nurses all got in on it and were reading some of the notes with us. It made the needle and chemo pain almost disappear. Good find Katie!
Once again my doctor appointment revolved more around my dating life and summer plans than it did my current health. She's so funny (my oncologist that is) - she's all smiles and laughs when we talk about me, but when I bring up the neuropathy or any ailments it's straight-faced, serious time. She's pretty awesome :).
The pre-drugs are seriously kick-ass and I really don't feel that bad. Tired but not bad. I stayed in bed all day Thursday but was up and at 'em on Friday! Friday was just lunch with Steph and Aunt Ronna followed by some easy babysitting. But it was still an early bed time for me! Then Saturday was filled with a BLUSH event, Kelly's Surprise 30th, and then Sunday was Toni's bridal shower I was throwing. And this is the first time I've really sat since!! (The plane ride to and from Colorado doesn't count!). One thing about cycle 10 was that my neuropathy really got to me - the pain was at an all time worse. But then Cycle 11 nothing... I just don't get this drug! But I guess I don't have to get it if it's saving my life!
Cycle 12 (August 1st):
Krissy and I were both unprepared for this treatment. As I just wrote, I last minutely did laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking for my days to be spent recovering. Krissy had meetings scheduled for yesterday so luckily Amy has yet to return to school so she graciously joined me for the afternoon.
Typically I have my 4:00 labs and 5:00 doctor appointment set as standard, but this time it was not scheduled by my regular nurse and I had an early afternoon appointment. I didn't really mind because there are so many staff members around Siteman that I don't often get to see anymore now that I come after 4:00. My lab tech was sweet and went on about how it's so hard to believe I'm "sick". She says by looking at me and how bubbly I am you could never tell I have cancer. I must be really good if I can even trick the Siteman staff!!
During my appointment my doc is still very pleased with my status. Still feeling great! While talking about my cough I filled her in on my horrible breathing while in Colorado; I could feel my lungs' weakness. When I told her how I use to never be bothered by Colorado air in my early 20s she responded with a smirk, "You're also showing your age." I was completely taken back! "Dr. Bartlett, that is one of the most horrible things you have ever said to me! And you have told me some of the worst news of my life!!"
Amy gets nervous during treatment because I require a story to be told when I get stabbed with the needle and it swims around looking for a vein. It's a nice distraction. So Amy was prepared, she had been holding back on a story for me just for this moment - she had the story of all stories. (And she's probably reading this right now freaking out I'm about to tell her story! No worries Amy, my lips are sealed :). My chemo nurse stopped and got nervous at my jumpiness, but I calmed down and my chemo nurse just laughed as Amy and I discussed the woes of dating.
Recovery this time has once again been a piece of cake. I think if I tried I could actually go to work tomorrow! But I'm going to rest up just in case and save that decision for next time. I've been in bed for a good 24 hours now. If it wasn't for a toilet, fridge, microwave, and water supply I'd never have to leave :). Sheila and Maaria came by with Pasta House last night that has kept me a happy fat girl all day! It's funny, I've laid in bed alllll day but I'm feeling pretty tired and ready to roll over and get some more shut eye. Crazy, huh? Either I'm really getting use to feeling like crap or I am getting excited that I'm almost done feeling like crap; I'm getting pretty good at this whole treatment thing. Now only 4 more days of feeling like crap.... it's so close!!!
I am sooooo looking forward to October 31st. Seriously, the happiest day EVER! I get to ring the bell!! I remember this time last year writing about wishing I knew where that light at the end of the tunnel was hiding out. Well it's looking pretty bright these days :). I'm not sure you realize how excited I am here... I am going to be done with cancer FOREVER!!! I'm getting teary eyed right now just thinking about it.
So here's the plan:
I have four treatments left (in case you didn't gather that already). The last treatment will be on the last day of October. I will also do scans on my last treatment. Not because we are worried about the tumors, but because it's protocol. Then 6 months after my last treatment I will do scans again. But this time yes, it's because we're all going to be on the edge of our seats wondering if this chemo really worked. My oncologist says she's keeping her fingers crossed. I shouldn't complain about this drug, it has saved my life. But it would be nice if there was some actual research on it! We're all pretty much blind here - no idea what to expect for my future. I say that it's not going to come back. I'm pushing for the power of positive thinking. Let's hope my brain can outsmart my tumors.
Cycle 11 (July 11th):
Katie was in town for the week during treatment so I invited her along to be my caregiver for the day. (And it would be nice to give Krissy a break.) Katie was delighted to join me for an evening at Siteman so Krissy filled her in on my two high maintenance needs: snacks and a good story. Well instead of a good story she one-uped it - she brought an entire notebook of stories. Our high school notebook to be exact. Katie followed me around as we ventured to labs, the doctor's office, and treatment. I'm not sure if I've ever laughed as much during treatment as I did that Wednesday. Although growing up 3 houses apart, Katie and I went to different middle and high schools. Before texting was around, we communicated through a notebook. We would take turns writing in it and passing it back and forth. Let me tell you - it was a laugh-so-hard-you're-crying kind of a read. The nurses all got in on it and were reading some of the notes with us. It made the needle and chemo pain almost disappear. Good find Katie!
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| VERY entertained with my 15 year old reading material! |
Once again my doctor appointment revolved more around my dating life and summer plans than it did my current health. She's so funny (my oncologist that is) - she's all smiles and laughs when we talk about me, but when I bring up the neuropathy or any ailments it's straight-faced, serious time. She's pretty awesome :).
The pre-drugs are seriously kick-ass and I really don't feel that bad. Tired but not bad. I stayed in bed all day Thursday but was up and at 'em on Friday! Friday was just lunch with Steph and Aunt Ronna followed by some easy babysitting. But it was still an early bed time for me! Then Saturday was filled with a BLUSH event, Kelly's Surprise 30th, and then Sunday was Toni's bridal shower I was throwing. And this is the first time I've really sat since!! (The plane ride to and from Colorado doesn't count!). One thing about cycle 10 was that my neuropathy really got to me - the pain was at an all time worse. But then Cycle 11 nothing... I just don't get this drug! But I guess I don't have to get it if it's saving my life!
Cycle 12 (August 1st):
Krissy and I were both unprepared for this treatment. As I just wrote, I last minutely did laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking for my days to be spent recovering. Krissy had meetings scheduled for yesterday so luckily Amy has yet to return to school so she graciously joined me for the afternoon.
Typically I have my 4:00 labs and 5:00 doctor appointment set as standard, but this time it was not scheduled by my regular nurse and I had an early afternoon appointment. I didn't really mind because there are so many staff members around Siteman that I don't often get to see anymore now that I come after 4:00. My lab tech was sweet and went on about how it's so hard to believe I'm "sick". She says by looking at me and how bubbly I am you could never tell I have cancer. I must be really good if I can even trick the Siteman staff!!
During my appointment my doc is still very pleased with my status. Still feeling great! While talking about my cough I filled her in on my horrible breathing while in Colorado; I could feel my lungs' weakness. When I told her how I use to never be bothered by Colorado air in my early 20s she responded with a smirk, "You're also showing your age." I was completely taken back! "Dr. Bartlett, that is one of the most horrible things you have ever said to me! And you have told me some of the worst news of my life!!"
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| Sporting the new colored tape!! |
Amy gets nervous during treatment because I require a story to be told when I get stabbed with the needle and it swims around looking for a vein. It's a nice distraction. So Amy was prepared, she had been holding back on a story for me just for this moment - she had the story of all stories. (And she's probably reading this right now freaking out I'm about to tell her story! No worries Amy, my lips are sealed :). My chemo nurse stopped and got nervous at my jumpiness, but I calmed down and my chemo nurse just laughed as Amy and I discussed the woes of dating.
Recovery this time has once again been a piece of cake. I think if I tried I could actually go to work tomorrow! But I'm going to rest up just in case and save that decision for next time. I've been in bed for a good 24 hours now. If it wasn't for a toilet, fridge, microwave, and water supply I'd never have to leave :). Sheila and Maaria came by with Pasta House last night that has kept me a happy fat girl all day! It's funny, I've laid in bed alllll day but I'm feeling pretty tired and ready to roll over and get some more shut eye. Crazy, huh? Either I'm really getting use to feeling like crap or I am getting excited that I'm almost done feeling like crap; I'm getting pretty good at this whole treatment thing. Now only 4 more days of feeling like crap.... it's so close!!!
Colorado!
Back in May I was surprised by my childhood friends Amy, Katie, Krissy (sister), and Blair with a trip to celebrate my remission. Check out SURPRISE! we (heart) melrose to read all about it. The original plan was to hit up Austin, TX, a city none of us have visited. But after a month of planning I decided I'd love to see Katie's fam (her husband, Bryan, I have also been friends with for 22 years. And I'm slightly obsessed with their daughter, Lucy who has pics all over this blog :) and since Blair is living with them in Denver this summer it would be easiest for me, Krissy, and Amy to travel there. So Colorado it was.
Our trip was filled with laughing, dancing, reading, coloring, singing, and many new memories to put down in the book. Unfortunately they were stuck with a crabby Mel for the first couple days. The Colorado air and I did not get along - it felt like that elephant was back sitting on my chest. The thin air drained me and I was exhausted! But of course by day 5 I was acclimated with plenty of energy and was ready to do the trip all over again!
When we arrived in Denver, Katie had delicious food waiting for us along along with a masseuse! We headed out on the town with our good friend Marissa, then woke up early the next morning to really start our trip - Breckenridge. We went horseback riding, ice cream eating, white water rafting, hiking (well, the girls did - the flight of stairs was enough of a hike for me!), shopping, hot tubbing, and a lot of hanging out around the condo.
It if wasn't for these girls I wouldn't of had a real vacation this summer. They took care of picking up all of my costs so I could join them. This is one of the most selfless things that has ever been done for me, I could not be more thankful. Thank you girls, I love you :)
Our trip was filled with laughing, dancing, reading, coloring, singing, and many new memories to put down in the book. Unfortunately they were stuck with a crabby Mel for the first couple days. The Colorado air and I did not get along - it felt like that elephant was back sitting on my chest. The thin air drained me and I was exhausted! But of course by day 5 I was acclimated with plenty of energy and was ready to do the trip all over again!
When we arrived in Denver, Katie had delicious food waiting for us along along with a masseuse! We headed out on the town with our good friend Marissa, then woke up early the next morning to really start our trip - Breckenridge. We went horseback riding, ice cream eating, white water rafting, hiking (well, the girls did - the flight of stairs was enough of a hike for me!), shopping, hot tubbing, and a lot of hanging out around the condo.
It if wasn't for these girls I wouldn't of had a real vacation this summer. They took care of picking up all of my costs so I could join them. This is one of the most selfless things that has ever been done for me, I could not be more thankful. Thank you girls, I love you :)
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| Krissy and Amy during our layover in Omaha aka the smallest airport ever. |
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| Krissy, Marissa, Amy, Me, Katie, Blair @ dinner in Denver. |
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| Heading towards the hills! On our way to Brec. |
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| Horseback riding in Avon - beyond beautiful. |
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| Lake Dillon. We laid on blankets, picnicked, and napped while Amy read to us |
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| Bright and early drive to white water rafting. |
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| Enjoying our last day in Brec. Blair, Krissy, Amy, Me, and Katie |
It's About to get Personal part II
Well me thinking I can settle down in life right now is a joke... It doesn't matter how great the guy - I've cursed myself. I tried, but I need freedom. My oncologist and her scheduling department pretty much have full reins on my schedule. Making my request off & subbing calendar at work is beyond stressful. Skipping out on float trips, weekend trips, and nights out because my body or wallet rejects the idea makes me sad. It all boils down to the fact that I have lost freedom over some of the little (and big) things in life because of cancer. So in the areas I can keep my freedom, I let it shine!
Cancer doesn't say who I can and cannot date. Although it does scare some off (UM, their loss). I have the freedom to be young and have fun and make new friends all around town. Freedom... the million dollar word. So apparently dating = freedom? More or less I guess. Dating is the one area in life where I get to call the shots. I want to be fully in charge! Curt says that I keep a very active dating life because I love the FUN drama that comes with it. Hell, I have enough drama in my life with insurance, medical bills, chemo... I just want to spice my life up a bit! And yes I've found myself in a few pickles, but it's never real drama to me. Come sit in the waiting room with me before I get scan results back and we'll talk drama. Settling down with someone means I'm giving up my "fun drama" and letting someone else in to make a reality with me. Then the second I feel my freedom slip away I find it hard to breathe.
I am officially a walking contradiction. Why have I been wanting to settle down so bad and essentially lose that freedom of feeling free? Because turning 30 means settling down in life... right? Whelp, I'm just not ready for that... SO WHAT DO I DO?! Date for serious or date for fun? I freak myself out so much that I should be further in life at 30 when I look at my friends and then get depressed because cancer has pushed me so far back in life. I lost a lot of freedom in my 20s. I was out with the girls a few weeks ago and we were griping about 30 and one of my girlfriends said she is not ready for it because she's not where she wants to be. Now I must be looking at it differently than her... to start with, she is BEAUTIFUL. She has an adorable daughter, a loving husband, a great home, a giant wonderful family, and kick ass friends (haha:). But she doesn't like her job. Well, hell! The only thing I truly love in my life is my job! No home, no hubby, no family, no money.... but I do have the most amazing friends and sister. And at the end of the day I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world because of that.
Okay, so back to dating... It's not like to me get wrapped up in petty things like this. I like to enjoy living one day at a time and keep my positive spin on everything. So I'm officially over freaking out that I'm going to be 30 without a home, family, or significant other. Life has thrown me lemons and I've made a hell of a lot of lemonade over the past decade. I might not have material things to show what I have accomplished in life, but I have an attitude that can't be bought in stores. It was made with lemonade. I've accomplished more in the past 8 years than some people do in a lifetime. So for now, when I'm ready to seriously date, I'll know. One of these days one of these guys will actually get me to settle down... now let's just hope it's closer to 30 than it is 40!
Cancer doesn't say who I can and cannot date. Although it does scare some off (UM, their loss). I have the freedom to be young and have fun and make new friends all around town. Freedom... the million dollar word. So apparently dating = freedom? More or less I guess. Dating is the one area in life where I get to call the shots. I want to be fully in charge! Curt says that I keep a very active dating life because I love the FUN drama that comes with it. Hell, I have enough drama in my life with insurance, medical bills, chemo... I just want to spice my life up a bit! And yes I've found myself in a few pickles, but it's never real drama to me. Come sit in the waiting room with me before I get scan results back and we'll talk drama. Settling down with someone means I'm giving up my "fun drama" and letting someone else in to make a reality with me. Then the second I feel my freedom slip away I find it hard to breathe.
I am officially a walking contradiction. Why have I been wanting to settle down so bad and essentially lose that freedom of feeling free? Because turning 30 means settling down in life... right? Whelp, I'm just not ready for that... SO WHAT DO I DO?! Date for serious or date for fun? I freak myself out so much that I should be further in life at 30 when I look at my friends and then get depressed because cancer has pushed me so far back in life. I lost a lot of freedom in my 20s. I was out with the girls a few weeks ago and we were griping about 30 and one of my girlfriends said she is not ready for it because she's not where she wants to be. Now I must be looking at it differently than her... to start with, she is BEAUTIFUL. She has an adorable daughter, a loving husband, a great home, a giant wonderful family, and kick ass friends (haha:). But she doesn't like her job. Well, hell! The only thing I truly love in my life is my job! No home, no hubby, no family, no money.... but I do have the most amazing friends and sister. And at the end of the day I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world because of that.
Okay, so back to dating... It's not like to me get wrapped up in petty things like this. I like to enjoy living one day at a time and keep my positive spin on everything. So I'm officially over freaking out that I'm going to be 30 without a home, family, or significant other. Life has thrown me lemons and I've made a hell of a lot of lemonade over the past decade. I might not have material things to show what I have accomplished in life, but I have an attitude that can't be bought in stores. It was made with lemonade. I've accomplished more in the past 8 years than some people do in a lifetime. So for now, when I'm ready to seriously date, I'll know. One of these days one of these guys will actually get me to settle down... now let's just hope it's closer to 30 than it is 40!
I'm still here :)
I think the moment has come.... I am finally at terms with being a cancer patient. Now this doesn't mean I have life figured out, It's About to get Personal has a part 2 coming at you soon. But being a cancer patient has become routine in my life. So routine that I almost forgot last Tuesday I needed to stop everything that evening and prep for my 48 hour vacay in bed. So routine that my sister forgot about it as well and had meetings scheduled yesterday! (Good thing Amy isn't back in school yet!) It's so routine that I do not have any emotions about going to treatment, being annoyed with treatment, or think of it as a big deal. Going to the hospital every 3 weeks has become a part of my life. It's not a bad thing, it's just routine. And this routine has a light at the end of the tunnel: 17 months down, 3 months to go!!!
I've been away from the computer for the past month (I know, I'm a horrible blogger!) because it's been summer and I've been having FUN!! I just wrapped up a weekend to remember being a bridesmaid for one of my bffs. It was truly a weekend to remember and I feel so blessed not only to be a part of her unforgettable day, but to be able to attend as a healthy can't-tell-by-looking-at-me cancer patient. I have a lot to catch up on, so hopefully my numb fingers can keep up with me tonight! It's time for a blog blowout!!!
I've been away from the computer for the past month (I know, I'm a horrible blogger!) because it's been summer and I've been having FUN!! I just wrapped up a weekend to remember being a bridesmaid for one of my bffs. It was truly a weekend to remember and I feel so blessed not only to be a part of her unforgettable day, but to be able to attend as a healthy can't-tell-by-looking-at-me cancer patient. I have a lot to catch up on, so hopefully my numb fingers can keep up with me tonight! It's time for a blog blowout!!!
Tuesday, July 3
Pictures!
| So I know that most blogs out there usually have a few more pics than mine... okay, A LOT more pics! This blog started as just a way to update friends with the latest news and now here I am 16 months into treatment nearing 10,000 views by people around the world reading my most honest thoughts about living with cancer. Well, time to switch it up a bit - enjoy! |
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| The view from my pod. It's still sunny at 7:30 - I love summer! |
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| Prayer box @ Siteman |
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| There is a piano in the lobby of the CAM center at Barnes open to the public. Love it. |
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| Our waiting room entertainment. |
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| Laid back during treatment being entertained by my favorite men - Sheldon, Leonard, Howard, and Raj. |
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| Most likely giving Kristin Jane the "I'm the big sister be nice to me" look while she laughs at my hulk arms. (Hulk arms = heated blankets wrapped up around my arms helping the blood flow in my veins before they go searching for a vein.) |
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| Attempting to open a recess peanut butter cup... soo not easy to do! The best part is as soon as I finally get it undone Krissy has to feed it to me because I cannot bend my elbows! Ha! |
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| Riding home from Cycle 10 loving that the sun is still out, wind in my hair, AND that I feel mostly normal. Hooray! |
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| I love band-aids! |
Monday, July 2
It's About to get Personal
I spent the morning doing one of my favorite things - driving my car. Yesterday morning I took the country back roads home from an epic weekend in middle-of-no-where-Roberstville and reflected on where I really am in life. I've been spending extra quality time with my car lately knowing I need to make an adult decision here soon. My car is my only luxury in life. I've cut out shopping (my favorite hobby) in order to keep this car. But with medical bills only rising and my bank account always empty it's probably the best decision to trade her in for something with a lower car payment. And gets better gas mileage. And cheaper insurance. Thinking about all of this on my amazing drive made me emotional and then the reflection of my life really began. I've been pressuring myself to grow up and start settling down in life now that I hold the mindset that I will be done with this whole cancer world in October. Yes, I have decided it's not coming back. I know, it doesn't exactly work that way, but I'm also pretty good at getting what I want :) So as I focus on where I am in life I began to realize how much cancer controls my decisions. I have a good job, but I could work at one that pays me more. But how do I find a new position and say, "Oh by the way, I will need off 3 consecutive days every 3 weeks." I love where I live, but it's not mine. I need my own place in life... but that requires money that is instead currently going to Barnes. As a social butterfly, I can't imagine not running around town on a Tuesday night with JRob like we're the only two people in the world. But I'm almost 30 and should start acting my age. I start to get frustrated about life decisions and think about how much easier it would be if cancer was never a part of my life. It's crazy to think of how different of a person I would be if my family was never affected by cancer. I'm pretty sure everyone can relate to this in one way or another about decisions they've made in life. Thing is, I didn't make this life altering decision in life - it found me. And my family. I did nothing to cause it or deserve it.... and I become more and more frustrated and emotional with where I am today thinking about the hoops I've had to jump through. So I brainstorm... how can I regain the control in my life? For starters, I can work on my dating life.
For a little less than 2 years I have been a single girl loving every bit of the dating world. Truth be told, this is the first time in life I've ever dated. I have always been a relationship girl, never single, always in love. Shortly after I became single in 2010, my cancer relapsed. Girl on chemo = no time for a relationship! It hasn't been easy going through the tumor roller coaster as a single girl, but I did it (with the support of my million and one amazing friends). So all this time off from relationshipville has surprisingly been one of my most favorite times in life. But now I have somehow gained a phobia for relationships. Dating has been so much fun leaving me with little desire to settle down with someone. Getting to know someone past a couple dates means they find out about my big C secret. And we all know I'm not going to let that secret out! But how do I fill someone in on what runs every decision in my life without them running away? Just don't tell them! I've honestly been using cancer as my excuse for not getting serious with someone. And it's unfortunate. I've turned down some really great guys because I'm just too damn scared. Scared of what? I don't know. I've recently started dating someone who knew about my big secret before our first date. That has made things soooo much easier on me. And he's one of the few that didn't run away scared from my baggage. And it's the first that I've been comfortable with dating just one person since I relapsed. But my anxiety is skyrocketing right now. Is it really the cancer that won't let me settle down or just the fear of trusting someone with my heart again? So executive decision time - it's time to stop using the cancer card as a clutch. Only 4 more months and treatment (which to be honest, appointments and treatment are becoming very routine in my world) will all be behind me. Forever. I'm ready to get a head start on my future. #1: Let my guard down and let someone in. #2: Win the lottery. And then all problems shall be solved! Baby steps to reality, right? :)
For a little less than 2 years I have been a single girl loving every bit of the dating world. Truth be told, this is the first time in life I've ever dated. I have always been a relationship girl, never single, always in love. Shortly after I became single in 2010, my cancer relapsed. Girl on chemo = no time for a relationship! It hasn't been easy going through the tumor roller coaster as a single girl, but I did it (with the support of my million and one amazing friends). So all this time off from relationshipville has surprisingly been one of my most favorite times in life. But now I have somehow gained a phobia for relationships. Dating has been so much fun leaving me with little desire to settle down with someone. Getting to know someone past a couple dates means they find out about my big C secret. And we all know I'm not going to let that secret out! But how do I fill someone in on what runs every decision in my life without them running away? Just don't tell them! I've honestly been using cancer as my excuse for not getting serious with someone. And it's unfortunate. I've turned down some really great guys because I'm just too damn scared. Scared of what? I don't know. I've recently started dating someone who knew about my big secret before our first date. That has made things soooo much easier on me. And he's one of the few that didn't run away scared from my baggage. And it's the first that I've been comfortable with dating just one person since I relapsed. But my anxiety is skyrocketing right now. Is it really the cancer that won't let me settle down or just the fear of trusting someone with my heart again? So executive decision time - it's time to stop using the cancer card as a clutch. Only 4 more months and treatment (which to be honest, appointments and treatment are becoming very routine in my world) will all be behind me. Forever. I'm ready to get a head start on my future. #1: Let my guard down and let someone in. #2: Win the lottery. And then all problems shall be solved! Baby steps to reality, right? :)
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