Last week I completed treatment #13. It's so routine these days. The physical pain doesn't seem as bad. The nurses are becoming friends, not just caretakers. The recovery has been a bit longer this time, but maybe that's because I haven't given myself enough time to rest? I made the choice to go to work on Friday. I made sure to get plenty of rest on Thursday and limited my visitors so I could be well rested for work on Friday. It was our first full week of school and it sure was BUSY. I just didn't feel right leaving the kiddos and my co-teacher with a sub for that long so soon into the school year. So I did what I do best - I sucked it up and pushed through the exhaustion. Luckily is was so busy I didn't even have a moment to feel tired! After school I went to Sheila's where she, Michelle, Brittany and I hopped in the car for our annual Chicago trip (last year's trip is when they surprised me with a fundraiser). I was good and rested during the day, but was lured by a 90s cover band at night and danced the night away. I woke up exhausted the next day and we traveled back to St. Louis in time for me to attend a wedding reception. I left quite early to find my bed and there I slept for 12 hours. It felt amazing. I've only been up for a few hours but I am very excited to be returning to bed early tonight :).
Overall, the hangover has been fine. Despite recovering from exhaustion and a bit of nausea, I don't have any complaints. Well, maybe one complaint. Ok, one GIANT complaint. I hate my hands. I'm ready to just chop them off.
Last cycle is when I really started to notice the neuropathy to increase. I can't open bottles, I'm not strong enough to press the unlock button on my key pad, I use two hands to squeeze my eyelash curler, and I HATE trying to put on a bra. The strength and feeling in my hands are quickly leaving. I do a few hand tests with my oncologist during my visits to evaluate my hand and finger strength. As I was squeezing her hands with mine, I proceeded, "My hands are fine! It's really just my fingers. I still feel strong in my hands...." until I was cut of by her shaking her head and replying with, "That's not very strong at all." Funny, I sure did feel like I was giving my all. I watched her move my fingers without a problem as I flexed them with all my might. Then while she was testing my pincer grasp she completely broke through my pressed fingers. Everyone in the room grew silent as they stared at my hands just laying there limp. I broke the silence, "I'M SORRY!! I really tried. I really thought I could do it." My oncologist looked disappointed but still had that smile on her face for my effort. She decided to lower my dosage from 120mg to 80mg. And if my hands worsen, then we may have to stop treatments all together. I know, I know, I'm not saying it out loud so shh.... but I could be done before I'm 30?!?! My birthday is 4 weeks away, I would LOVE to leave cancer in my 20s. Be done and move on with my life.
