Week one of remission!

My first week of remission has been wonderful.  It's pretty fun being able to tell people my fabulous news and watch the reactions.  But as fun as this has been, cloud nine did not last as long as you would think.  I haven’t actually done any major I’m-in-remission-celebrating, possibly because even though there are no more tumors, there still is chemo.  I still feel like I have cancer.  BUT, with that said, I sure have been much happier and more easy going this past week!

How I’ve been physically…
The chemo hangover is long gone, the treatment bruises have mostly faded, and I am once again physically rejuvenated.  The only thing holding me back at the moment is the neurothopy in my hands and arms.  In the beginning I was told I would begin to experience some numbness.  Well, they do fall asleep more often than usual; especially while I’m sleeping.  And I get the occasional tingles.  But as for complete numbness, I’m fortunate to say I have not reached that hurdle.  What is actually occurring is absolutely, utterly annoying achiness.  It hurts.  My hands, my arms, sometimes even my shoulders.  Have you ever had a rather intense workout and then find yourself hurting when moving your achy body?  That’s how my hands are.  But I don’t have to move.  They ache just sitting there.  I don’t think anyone realizes how much they use their hands in a day!  I’ve attributed it to over using my fine motor skills.  Too much time at the computer, driving more than usual… they let me know when they are done!  As of now the docs have me overdosing on ibuprofen.  It hasn’t eliminated the pain but it sure does make it more bearable!  They said if this continues my next treatment will be a lower dosage.  If it’s already this intense (with the knowledge that side effects only get worse as time wears on), then come 10 months from now I might go crazy!  But then again, crazy isn’t all that bad compared to endless nights of throwing up or watching my hair fall out - side-effectville could be worse!  Thing is, I am AWFUL when it comes to pain.  I can suck it up for the most part and push through being sick, but when I’m in pain I am the biggest crabass.  Ask Kristin Jane, I can get pretty high maintenance. 

How I’ve been mentally…
It’s amazing to have a giant stressor be lifted off of my shoulders.  As emotional as I was, I began to feel guilty that others seemed more excited than me.  As relieved as I am, it’s still disappointing that the chemo is long from over.  Like I’ve said before, the tumors didn’t bother me one bit.  It’s the chemo I have issues with!  All of the excitement about entering remission was buzzing around me, but instead of being overly excited, I became overly anxious.  I didn’t know why.  After about five days of this building I found myself waking up absolutely depressed.  Seriously, who feels like this only FIVE DAYS after learning they are in full remission?!  Talk about drama queen.  I had dinner with JRob and suddenly found myself venting about all of life’s possibilities… career, money, relationships…  I felt like there was so much weighing me down in life! With no tumors, I now view life with so many more opportunities.  Instead of just dating, maybe I can actually start a relationship without feeling guilty?  Maybe I should start saving more money instead of giving it all away to Barnes?  I could possibly look forward for growth in my career instead of just hanging out and having fun?  Now I guess all of these were always possibilities, but with an unknown future I didn't give a second thought to any of these options.  JRob's honest response made me laugh; she nailed it on the head.  Now that I know I’m not going anywhere any time soon, and I’m not stressed about things like transplants or horrible life news, I get to start dealing with all life’s normal stresses again.  Haha why did life seem easier when I had tumors growing inside of me?!

I'm glad to have figured out why I'm feeling overwhelmed and lost.  I now know why I feel guilty when others are more excited when congratulating me on my amazing news.  But I need to figure out how to deal with my never-ending thoughts!  And get over this stupid slump and back to my positive place!  Thirty is on the horizon and I have only accomplished ONE thing on my list of life goals that I had hoped to achieve by now...  and even though it is something I am SO PROUD of myself for finally completing, most everyone my age graduated from college 7 years ago, not 2.  I feel so far behind, pausing life yet another year to cancer.  I spent the last 12 months living life and and having fun for sure - no regrets there!  But I look forward and see another 10 months of pain and frustration only followed by uncertainty - this is definitely not my normal, optimistic self.  I am just lost in my thoughts... When will I feel comfortable living on my own again?  When will I know it's time to settle down with someone?  How will I ever get myself out of this hell of medical debt?  Why did life seem easier with tumors?!  Haha, I guess this is what everyone else in the world feels.  Everyday, ordinary stress. 

I think this is harder to deal with life's little things because I am actually responsible for these decisions.  With the tumors I had no control - I just stayed positive and pushed through the frustration and pain.  This everyday life stress is in my court.  Time to stop dwelling and start doing.  I plan on staying here awhile, and I plan on making the best of it.  I am blessed with so much wonderfulness in life, I need to remember that.  There isn't enough time to stress about the ordinary things - instead, I need to enjoy it :)

Welcome to Remission!

It looks like enough time has passed and I am finally able to sit at my computer without bursting out in tears!  As excited as I am, there are still some pretty big details to cover.  But first, my favorite part of it all, sharing the story that involved my 4 favorite words: Your tumors are gone.

Remember when I had treatment 3 weeks ago and felt AWFUL and complained about the dreaded upcoming appointment to Sarah?  Well by the end of that night she had decided that she was going along with me and Krissy to my appointment.  So here we are 3 weeks later, chit chatting about everything under the sun during the hour before I met with my doc.  Siteman Center was pretty empty by 4:00, but we still found ourselves doing a lot of waiting... and with the time passing us by, the anxiety grew.  Thankfully I was in great company that helped the hour of waiting pass by.

My doctor's resident came in the room first.  She is so happy and cheery, I am going to be SO SAD when she is done with her residency in the summer.  She began by asking how I was feeling since my infection, how my cough was doing, blah blah blah I had no idea why she was treating this like any normal appointment?!  Why was she not getting to the news yet??  She continued with more side effect questions and reassurance that some of the things I've been seeing from this drug are common and as I continue with the chemo I will begin to see some changes.... and then she pauses.  She must have been reading my face because she then stops and says, "Oh, has anyone told you about the results?"  Me: "Nooooooooo....."  She replies in a less professional tone and with a little more excitement, "The scans showed negative results."  I don't know if you know doctor lingo well, and I for the most part am pretty good at it these days, but I had NO idea what she meant by negative results.  Is this good??  She seems happy??  Negative... so nothing happened?!  So I say, "What do you mean NEGATIVE..."  Krissy and Sarah were on the edge of their seats, eyes wide open, as confused as I am.  My doctor begins to laugh, "Oh, it's good!  Your tumors are gone!"  "WHAT DO YOU MEAN GONE?!?!?!" Actually, I take that back.  The first thing out of my mouth was "SHUT UP."  And the water works began.  My eyes are immediately flooded with tears.  I look at Krissy and Sarah, eyes equally flooded.  "THEY'RE GONE?!  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??  WHERE DID THEY GO??  WHAT HAPPENS NOW??  OH MY GOODNESS I NEED TO STOP CRYING!!"  I was waving my hands over my eyes to dry up the tears.  My doctor was now teary-eyed.  I was squealing and shouting out questions a mile a minute.  I think I was bouncing up and down on the table, too.  She became tongue-tied and just decided to show me the pictures of my scans.  We looked at the before and the after scans with my new chemo.  Sure enough, my tumors are gone.

The doctors expected that if this drug was going to work, it would show significant shrinkage in the first round of scans.  They were unsure of how my body would react after the first initial treatment, possibly similar to what happened with my chemo pill.  But full remission is NOT what they had expected.  It was a very happy day in that tiny room.

So after we viewed my tumor-free scans, she filled us in on the fine print.  Yes, my tumors are gone.  But unfortunately my body is not strong enough to keep the tumors away.  If I go off of the chemo, they will grow back.  So yup - that means I'm going to stay on chemo.  This drug is only 2 years new, so there is not much research, just a lot of questions.  I (and all other patients on the drug) are only allowed to stay on it for one year.  So since I started in January I will stay with the chemo until December.  I will still see my doctor and receive treatment every 3 weeks.  Unfortunately, nothing is really changing.  I would have no idea that there were tumors in my chest if it wasn't for the scans.  The tumors don't bother me.  It's the chemo.  BUT, with that said, I have a WHOLE ENTIRE YEAR to not worry about growing tumors and to live this year happily, stress free.  My year will still include physical pain, but the mental pain has decreased significantly - THANK GOODNESS!  After 16 rounds of treatment (I'm already down 4) we will "wait and see" (according to my doc) if the chemo has lasting effects and the tumors stay away.  Only time will tell.

I'm going to do scans again in 2 months.  If everything still looks clear then they will lower my chemo dosage!  This is wonderful news because a couple of the side effects are starting to really affect me.  First, my white counts are at an all time low.  My body has always had a hard time with my counts dropping.  They are to the point that if I get a fever then I will for sure be admitted to the hospital.  So staying healthy is my #1 priority right now!  Which is why I sadly missed out on today's Mardi Pardi festivities :(.  My resident was saying we could possibly lower the dosage now, but my oncologist decided against it, we don't want to "push our luck."  Humph.  Oh well.  The neuropathy is increasing, and honestly hurting me as I type right now, so hopefully my next scans look good and the dosage can lower and the side effects will be less intense.  Hopefully.

After the crying and question asking fest, my resident left to touch base with my oncologist and they were both to return.  Krissy, Sarah, and I just looked at each other in pure shock.  And of course there was more squealing.  And more dancing.  I started singing the shrinking tumor song Kuhn and JRob made up last summer when my oncologist peeked her head in and started laughing.  She was very happy for me and entered the room with arms wide open for a hug.  I thanked her and we talked about my excitement and immediate plans to go celebrate.

After the appointment I literally skipped to treatment.  Cloud 9.  Seriously, I was beaming cheek to cheek.  Krissy and Sarah were on a high as well.  We felt invincible.  We walked into that appointment blind to what would occur.  Like always, we were prepared for the worst, but hoped for the best.  Treatment itself was annoying as usual.  I had a really sweet chemo nurse this time, thank goodness!  Unfortunately, she struggled with my veins and it took 3 attempts to finally get a good iv.  Yup, hurt like a bitch.  I hate chemo.

Unfortunately the chemo hit me pretty hard this time and zero celebrating actually occurred that night.  Well, that's not entirely true.  Amy came over and she, Kuhn, Krissy, and I enjoyed cookies and cake.  A phrase we love around the condo is, "Let there be cake."  Whether it's a snow day or Mel's-tumors-are-gone day, we have cake.  But I was very fortunate that my chemo hangover lifted by the end of Friday.  Thursday was ROUGH, but it's just one day.  I have 20 more days till I have to do it again :)

So the good news (besides my tumors are gone), my blog and I aren't going anywhere.  Because with chemo will come more side effects, more infections, more pain, more stories.  The not good news, my blog and I aren't going anywhere.  Haha, I would love to say I'm done and peace out to the world of blogging, but it looks like my battle is still far from over.  12 more treatments to be exact.  10 more months of chemo.  10 more worry-free months.  It is a HUGE sigh of relief to have some freedom back in my life.  These next 10 months are going to be amazing, I can't wait!

I'm Overwhelmed

Day 1 Cancer free: Holy crap I love this day!!  My phone will NOT stop blowing up!  I love you all.  I am beyond overwhelmed by everyone's response.  Honestly, I didn't do anything.  Something has taken over my body, and I pay lots and lots of money to very talented doctors to fix it.  The only thing I do is enjoy the ride.  Or maybe I should say suck it up and push through the pain.  Either way... thank you.

I'm still working on getting all of the details about yesterday in order for a FABULOUS post about my debut into remission.  My chemo brain is really paying a toll on me as well as this chemo hangover so bare with me while I take a day to get my thoughts organized. 

And again, please please please know that your support means so much to me.  I could not imagine fighting in this battle without your support.  I'm having a very hard time keeping up with everyone who has reached out to me this week - my apologies for not getting right back to you.  I am so blessed in life.  And yes, I can say that even fighting a terminal illness.  And it's because of you that helps me feel this blessed.  Thank you.

I Just Kicked Cancer's Ass

Have you ever had the opportunity to share such amazing news that you can barely get it off of the tip of your tongue without sounding like a blubbering baby?  Well I hope you do because it is one of the most amazing feelings I have ever experienced.  Hell, I'm still experiencing it.  There is so much to say.  So many thoughts, so many details.  

Yes, my tumors are GONE.  I still can't type that word without the tears flowing.  I am beyond emotional right now.  I'm also still very groggy from my chemo hangover.  Since I'm suppose to be sleeping right now I'm going to keep this short.  How does one get 9.5 hours of sleep AND the most amazing news but still feel like crap the next morning?  One who also received chemo!  

I'm tired, I'm groggy, I'm exhausted.  My body feels like it weighs 5000lbs.  This chemo is good at taking the wind out of my sails.  But then I look at my Facebook.  And the 50+ texts on my phone.  And the voicemails are priceless you guys!  It's one thing to recieve such amazing news that it drops you to your knees in tears.  Then add the endless words from friends, family, and people I don't even know... there are no words to tell you how much I appreciate your support.  I'm often asked, "How do you stay in such great spirits?"  Well I need you all to know that I don't do it on my own.  It's your constant support that keeps me going.  The cards in the mail, your status updates dedicated to me, even the quick I'm thinking about you texts - you are all what keep me going.  We might not talk everyday, hell we might not have talked in years.  But it is so inspiring to receive words of hope.  I cannot thank you all enough. 

I feel like the shackles were removed from my feet last night.  Doors of opportunity are opening.  That giant weight of relief was lifted.  I just kicked cancer's ass.

Is it my birthday?!

I think I received more texts before noon today that I did on my last birthday! Thank you all for the amazing support. I will see the doc at 5:00 and I'll be sure to write an update. Thank you all!

Let the anxiety escalate!!

I am SO impressed with how calm I've been for the last 24 hours!  The anxiety is for sure building, but not in a negative way.  Tomorrow could possibly be one of the happiest moments in my 29 years.  Remember my Happiest Day Ever  last summer??  Yes, this could possibly even be more exciting than that!!  Now I'm not getting overly excited quite yet - tomorrow could possibly bring more disappointment.  But like always, I'll cry out the initial tears, fall into a slump for 48 hours, and then be back on my optimistic horse.  Just another day on the roller coaster. 

I am noticing, though, that I am rather emotional today.  And again, not in a negative way, but there for sure are a lot of emotions building up inside of me right now!  There will FOR SURE be tears in that doctor's office tomorrow, and hopefully they are filled with joy!

I am filled to the rim with butterflies!! 

THINK SHRINK!!!!

I Love Lucy

For the past 10 days Katie and her daughter, Lucy, have been sending me good-vibe emails counting down  until the results are in.  They are too adorable and I just had to share a few - enjoy!

"Bah-wee" is how Lucy pronounces Bailey :)

Cancer Scan Eve

I can't believe it's already here!  Scans are tomorrow, and then I meet with my doc on Wednesday for the results.  I've actually been okay for the past week, not too anxious about what is to come.  I've had enough practice under my belt for moments like this, I know how to keep my mind off of it - finding distractions!  I've solicited friends all weekend to keep me entertained and my mind far away from reality.  It's been quite nice!

Last night I joined a friend for dinner (someone who has been in the dark about this whole cancer thing) and I finally decided to let the cat out of the bag.  He was asking how I was feeling since he knew I was sick last weekend and it finally dawned on me, why do I always hide this?  I mean, some people look like deer in headlights and clam up with not knowing what to say or how to continue the conversation.  But I knew that wouldn't be his reaction.  So after a short synopsis of Mel's life with cancer, I was surprised by his response.  He goes on to say that it explains a lot.  It makes sense why I make the choices I do.  What I drive, where I work, even how I order off of a menu (seriously, WHY do some people always order the same thing?!).  So it seems that even people who have no idea that I struggle living with a terminal illness still see something.  I thought after all of this time I was doing a fine job of covering it up where in the end I am make other others just that much more curious.  INTERESTING!

Well, with it being the day before scans I'm on an obnoxious high protein no carb diet.  So it's off to the grocery store because chicken and green beans did not make the best of breakfasts.  Seriously, why do I not plan in advance better for this?!  Ha! 

Back to School

I did it!  I made it though my first day back!  Whatever this thing is that trying to take me down is seriously draining all of my energy, BUT I'm fever free so I'm not complaining!  If these kiddos weren't the most lovable and adorable children in the world I would have not made it through the day.  I found it very challenging to keep up with them but their smiles and giggles kept me going.  I see a nice 9+ hours of sleep in my future tonight :)

Fever Free!

Well, at least I am for the most part.  I still have a low-grade that likes to come and go today, but at this point I don't care.  If it doesn't involve crazy painful chills and sweats that make me change my shirt, then it's not a real fever in my book!

The Good Health Gods were looking over me yesterday while Krissy and I visited the hospital.  We hung out in the cancer clinic for the afternoon, me in a sick-daze and Krissy focused on her Mac, aka her "Satellite Office".  The clinic is different than Siteman - this clinic is still on the North Campus, but it shares a floor (4900) with cancer patients' rooms (whether they are receiving chemo or are there recovering from an infection).  I was told to pack an overnight bag "just in case" and then realizing how close I was to patients' rooms I started to become nervous!  Pretty much I was there so the nurse practitioners could hopefully figure out why these freak fevers were occurring.  I've started a cough and a bit of congestion as well.  After poking both arms and another chest x-ray, the results came back with nada.  Maybe viral?  I'm still finishing up my antibiotic from the sinus infection so that obviously isn't working.  They decided to beef up my antibiotics and send me on my way.  My white counts have dropped, but not enough to keep me (holding on strong with 500 above being neutropenic!) AND I didn't have a fever strike while I was there.  Towards the end of the visit I could feel another one coming on, and they checked my temp before I left, but it was still good so they sent me home!  Thank you Heath Gods because I suffered through the chills all the way home (I turned Krissy's car into a sauna) and Krissy tucked me into bed with my fever rising again.  THANK GOODNESS this occurred after I left because they very well might have admitted me if they saw this occur!  After an hour of whimpering and complaining from the awful aches, my fever broke and I was back to feeling myself.  SO STRANGE.  I feel totally fine in between fevers, it's just a matter of getting through them.  Apparently my body is unhappy about something it has caught and is trying it's hardest to fight it off.  The new meds are so far working - last night was my last fever! 

Today I've been a bit out of it, trying to regain energy and getting myself ready for the mindset of kids again tomorrow.  I decided to read the info that came along with my prescription and I learned why I feel so out of it!  There are FIVE AND A HALF pages printed off of a computer of directions and side effect complications related to this antibiotic.  The most prominent side effect - dizziness.  Yup, I feel like I'm in a cloud.  That should go great with kids tomorrow, right?!

It's late enough (well, 9:00) for me to finally go to sleep for the night.  I've tried to keep myself up all day so I can sleep well tonight.  I'm SO excited for this, Sleep.  Is.  Amazing.  Good night!

Superbowl Sickday

Now I'm not the biggest sports fan, but I do love a good social gathering even if it's revolving around a big game.  But I have discovered a new health curse - if there's a big end-of-season game I'm going to be sick.  The World Series - I slept through the last few games missing my home town team win in game seven.  Yesterday's Superbowl, I was tucked in like a burrito during the chills, then laid on top of the covers to sweat it out.  Since Saturday I've had a fever, but NO other symptoms!  Slightly annoying.  AND I had to miss out on Super Bowl food - major bummer!  Whelp, I'm off to the doc to figure out what is going on.  Wish me luck!

Anyone know when the Stanley Cup is going to be?!  Just planning in advance...

Fell into a Chemo Slump

Well, I guess that pain from treatment should have been a sign for how the next two days were going to be...  I thought that sleeping off my chemo hangover would be it and I'd bounce back like normal?!  Dammit, why can't this be easier sometimes?

I woke up Thursday in a daze, but still went into work for the afternoon.  Being with the kids is exactly what I needed.  I walked into school during lunch and was greeted with squeals of excitement.  I might not get paid the big bucks, but entering into a room and having every single voice be heard announcing  my arrival is better than any money out there (even if every voice in that room belonged to a body 3ft or under!).  Two of my older girls, who are now catching on that I leave a lot these days, greeted me with "Missa!  You came back!"  I explained to them last spring when I disappeared for a week with my biopsy surgery that even if I leave for a bit, I will always come back.  I've missed a lot of days since then from staying home & hospitalized with infections, so they have had A LOT of opportunities to repeat their favorite phrase, "You came back!"  Now all I have to do is make sure I never let them down on my promise.

Thursday evening I was pooped and found myself once again going straight to bed.  I was sooo looking forward to waking up refreshed and ready to go on Friday.  Whelp, that didn't happen!  I was still in the same daze - nothing hurt, nothing felt bad, I simply just didn't feel right.  I also noticed I was easily on the verge of tears.  I was starting to wonder if I was more mentally drained than physically?  No, by 5pm on Friday I knew for sure - I was 100% physically drained!  Then I found myself in a giant predicament...  Ok, it's really not that dramatic.  I don't do drama.  But one of my besties, Toni, was in town just for the weekend and we made plans for a girls night weeeeks ago.  Everyone was going.  But I just didn't know if I had the stamina to do it.  I was on the fence all day.  If it was any other night, I would be going straight to bed.  But I only see her a few times a year... time to suck it up and be social.  (See, isn't the drama in my life so intense?!  Ha!)

I ran home and had 30 minutes to pull myself together before Sarah came to pick me up.  And I arranged for us to go together because I needed to VENT!  I was exhausted and just needed to complain!  So I hopped in her car and that is exactly what I did - complain.  Sure my body was dragging from chemo, but my mind was also not fully recharged.  My next round of scans will be the first with this new chemo - huge news is to come!  I feel like I need some mental preparation before the results of amazing news or not very good news are back in 13 days (but who's counting, right?).  Venting was so incredibly helpful.  The night only got better from there.  Reuniting with Toni and Paul was absolutely wonderful.  And all the girls were there, taking all worries out of my mind and focusing all of my energy on enjoying the night.  And the night was surely enjoyed!

I was on a high for the rest of the weekend - I somehow instantly snapped out of my chemo slump on Friday night and felt so rejuvenated!  It's amazing what the power of positive thinking can do for a girl.  Oh, and being surrounded by good friends :)  Now all I have to do is fill the next 13 days with Friday nights like that one and I'll be good to go!  Ha!

I'm a bit bummed the chemo hangover lasted longer than I expected, but the mental slump might have been part of the reason to blame!  I'm in SO much better of a place, and I'm even surprising myself how at peace I still am - I'm pretty sure this incredible weather is assisting me with my high spirits!  Hooray for Spring in February!