One Year Later

As a cancer patient, you lose control of many things in life.  And by many things what I really mean is, the big things.  Your appearance, your day calendar, your independence.  (And for the lucky few even control over your bowels.)  Did you wash your jeans before you wore them again?  Did you remember to pick up a new toothbrush at Target?  Who cares, you have new, more critical things worrying your drained mind right now; big, life changing things.  Will I have enough energy to make it through a week of work?  How about just a day of work?  Will I be able to make this month's rent?  Will I still be here to attend that wedding next spring?  And you become jealous of your friends and their "worries".  They are stressed about finding time to get a mani in this week or if they should go to one or two ball games before the current series is up.  You just want to be normal again.  And get caught up in the life of only having to worry about the small things... like gaining weight from too much ice cream, not chemo.

It's been a year since I last blogged.  I've received emails over the past year (from people I've don't know) asking for updates and about how life as a new mom.  I apologize for not getting back to everyone.  And as I reflect on why I have not been able to get back to those emails I am starting to cry.  But I'm crying the most happy tears I've cried in a long time.  I haven't been on my blog or email much for the past year because I have been caught up in all of those little things in life.  And it has been the most amazing feeling in the entire world.

I'm a mom now.  And it's incredible.  Don't get me wrong, it's a hell of a lot of work!  And I'm pretty sleepy most days.  But somehow seeing that smile every morning erases those wee hour pacifier hunts and midnight blowout baths.  Charlotte just turned seven months last week.  She the biggest ball of happiness you will ever meet.  She looks nothing like me.  Maybe, sometimes, sorta like Scott?  But one thing is for sure; she has my mom's beautiful, blue eyes.

As for my health, all is looking great.  I had my annual PET and CT scans in December (and I seriously thought I wrote an update post about that?!  Again, my apologies) and all is still clear.  After giving birth only a few weeks prior the scans, the results were honestly the last thing on my mind.  Being attached to a tiny human did not give me much time to think about things other than feeding times, trying to remember the last time I showered, and who I could talk into holding a baby so I could squeeze in some shut eye (luckily that one wasn't hard at all).  So being preoccupied was wonderful, because there was no time to focus on those dreaded "what ifs".  I'm still seeing Dr. Bartlett every three months, although we suspect we are only seeing her so often still because she wants to see Charlotte, haha.  It's been fun showing off my baby to the nurses.  And getting into the story about how she truly is a miracle.  How much of a miracle is she really?  Well, I met with my fertility doctor (seriously, if you or someone you know is about to go through high doses of chemo or radiation, please look into him!!) for FUTURE plans (no, I'm not pregnant nor getting pregnant anytime in the near future!).  I did some testing and sure enough I only have one follicle in there.  I had to ask too, what's a follicle? It's a tiny sac that contains the pre-mature egg.  So that one follicle that is still in me is not a guarantee to even have an egg in it. In short, I am considered infertile.

I've posted our baby announcement that made for us by my sister.  I've also added some pics of our sweet chunker.  It's been an incredible year since my last post.  I feel guilty saying it out loud sometimes, but I feel safe here - my life is perfect.  I have everything I could ever want in life.  And more.  Scott is an incredible father and the best partner anyone could ever ask for.  He works hard so I can stay home with our baby and soak in every minute of her precious love.  I've sat at this blog for years crying my eyes out, wondering if I could ever have a healthy life, hoping for some sort of normalcy.  It feels pretty incredible to sit here today telling you that I have it all.  I have more happiness and joy than I could ever ask for.  But most importantly, I have my health.  It's finally my turn; I have it all.

Christmas, 1 month

Two months

Four months

Five months

Five months

Scott and Charlotte, six months

 

Me and Charlotte, six months