I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma when I was 21. I endured 8 months of treatment only to find out it did not work and I had a long road of treatment ahead of me. Check out my entire treatment history if you're interested, or I can just give it to you here quick.
Just a couple months before my 22nd birthday I was going through some intense hospitalized chemo treatments as "maintenance" before I was hit with the high dose chemo and my stem-cell transplant. I was moving my life out of college town and back into my dad's house, shopping for more pjs, and mentally preparing for living in and out of the hospital. I was going to transplant classes at the hospital, learning what to expect during my hospitalizations and post treatment. One thing that was lightly mentioned was infertility. I hadn't thought too much about it, but when I began my research I suddenly learned that this high dose chemo was going to make me sterile. At age 22. Not okay.
A friend's mother reached out to me and turned me to Dr. Silber. I met with Dr. Silber and his amazing team to learn that there were some fascinating advances in medicine that would still allow me to have children. I had my eggs harvested as well as my ovarian tissue (he removed one of my ovaries. It's remarkable, I did a tv interview about my story, learn all about it.)
Immediately after my transplant I could feel my body going through "the change." Yup, I hit menopause at age 22. After a few months I tested as post-menopausal. The chemo had cleaned me out - I was officially sterile. I was also in remission.
Eight years later, age 30, I'm in love and recovering from my most recent relapse with cancer. I'm 3 months out of treatment and in the beginning stage of feeling well again. I'm getting my strength back, staying up later, expanding my diet, and starting to once again feel normal. Then in February I was hit with a virus. Nothing horrible, but I was having problems keeping food down and was constantly tired. I was working out a lot, but didn't seem to be losing any weight. I saw my oncologist and she ran a few tests, but everything came back negative. She was a bit surprised I was still have chemo hangover side effects, but on paper I couldn't be healthier. A few days after that appointment I was having dinner with girlfriends who all happen to be pregnant. I can relate well to them because my chemo side effects were very similar to their pregnancy moans and groans. But they started questioning me a bit more about this virus that seemed to be lingering around... and by the end of dinner they were convinced that my symptoms were due to pregnancy, not chemo. I laughed in their faces... until one came back with a pregnancy test to shut me up. I took it to humor them. But then the joke was on me. Positive.
WHAT?! THERE IS NO FREAKING WAY I CAN BE PREGNANT!! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! I'M POST MENOPAUSAL! I'M STERILE! And then I became worried what other cancer I could have now that would result in a high HGC level ( high HGC is what makes a positive pregnancy test). I met with my doc, did some more tests, and sure enough.... I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy crap, I'm pregnant.
It was for sure a shock at first. After letting it settle, sharing everything with Scott, and reflecting on what a true miracle this really is, my shock quickly turned into pure joy. My oncologist, OGBYN, and fertilitist were all in equal shock. It's a miracle. I'm going to have a baby.
I am now 5 months pregnant, and we are expecting a baby girl on November 11th. Scott and I moved into a beautiful home and now live on Cloud 9. I can't quite believe it myself sometimes; I have never been this happy in life. And it all happened just months after chemo treatment. Never in a million years did I ever imagine this happening. The possibility of being pregnant never even crossed my mind. But now that she's here, it's all that we want. It's all we can talk about. We've nested and now we're waiting. Thanking each other, our families, and God for this true blessing in life.
I have everything I ever wanted in life. I survived cancer. Again. I am engaged to the love of my life. And we are 4 months away from meeting our little angel, Charlotte Ruth. And I'm going to be a mom. A mom to a true miracle.
Sunday, June 23
Workin It
March 9, 2013
It feels good to feel good! I joined the YMCA because I found this AWESOME program for cancer patients. I have a personal trainer for 3 months for FREE because I had cancer! I'm soooo excited to lose these 25 pounds I gained on chemo. Check it out, if you or if anyone you know has/had cancer you're eligible!
http://www.ymcastlouis.org/metropolitan-office/livestrong-ymca
It feels good to feel good! I joined the YMCA because I found this AWESOME program for cancer patients. I have a personal trainer for 3 months for FREE because I had cancer! I'm soooo excited to lose these 25 pounds I gained on chemo. Check it out, if you or if anyone you know has/had cancer you're eligible!
http://www.ymcastlouis.org/metropolitan-office/livestrong-ymca
It's about to get Personal Part III
February 9, 2013
The day after I wrote It's About to get Personal II everything changed. And it got real personal.
I met Scott over a year ago through friends and I saw him out often. We have the same friends, go to the same bars, and once summer hit he was a regular at our pool. He's constantly making me laugh and I've never felt so comfortable around someone. I wrote It's about to get Personal II on a Thursday; the next night I found myself out with Scott and halfway through the evening he kissed me. That was 6 months ago and we have been inseparable ever since.
A lot has happened to me physically and mentally in the past 6 months. I was go go go, party party party up until Labor Day. My energy and momentum started slipping. I was getting sicker and exhaustion was kicking in. The chemo really began to take a toll on me. But Scott didn't seem to notice, or if he did he didn't mind one bit. He even admitted it was nice to get out of the bar and spend the evening on the couch. Yup, coupledom hit us hard. It was so easy with him. He already knew my humongous secret as well as my way of dealing with it - pretending it's not there. At my birthday when I got really sick and tried to push through he knew better and was the one who took me home. After treatments he was waiting with arms open as I collapsed from exhaustion. When I wasn't feeling well I never once had to ask him to do something for me; he had already offered. The cancer doesn't push him away. He was also the one in the doctor's room with me and Krissy when we got the final doctor's report that my post-treatment scans were clear. Because it was important to him to be there for me. The energy in my personality (because there was none in my body!) and my high spirits made him a believer in me.
I'm still tired (although getting better at that!), I still wish I had a had the home and lifestyle I had expected by 30, but somehow all of that doesn't seem like as big of a deal. When I'm with him I forget about the worries and stresses cancer has left me with. I'm reminded of the greatness cancer has created within me. I'm wrapped up in the fun of life, living in the present and enjoying everyday as it comes. It's exactly what I was doing before, just at a slower pace and with someone I love by my side.
The only scary part about dating someone seriously is now if something were to come back, I'd be dragging him into it as well. He reminds me that's crazy talk and we're enjoying life one day at a time, not worrying about the future. He's a good reminder to keep around :).
The day after I wrote It's About to get Personal II everything changed. And it got real personal.
I met Scott over a year ago through friends and I saw him out often. We have the same friends, go to the same bars, and once summer hit he was a regular at our pool. He's constantly making me laugh and I've never felt so comfortable around someone. I wrote It's about to get Personal II on a Thursday; the next night I found myself out with Scott and halfway through the evening he kissed me. That was 6 months ago and we have been inseparable ever since.
A lot has happened to me physically and mentally in the past 6 months. I was go go go, party party party up until Labor Day. My energy and momentum started slipping. I was getting sicker and exhaustion was kicking in. The chemo really began to take a toll on me. But Scott didn't seem to notice, or if he did he didn't mind one bit. He even admitted it was nice to get out of the bar and spend the evening on the couch. Yup, coupledom hit us hard. It was so easy with him. He already knew my humongous secret as well as my way of dealing with it - pretending it's not there. At my birthday when I got really sick and tried to push through he knew better and was the one who took me home. After treatments he was waiting with arms open as I collapsed from exhaustion. When I wasn't feeling well I never once had to ask him to do something for me; he had already offered. The cancer doesn't push him away. He was also the one in the doctor's room with me and Krissy when we got the final doctor's report that my post-treatment scans were clear. Because it was important to him to be there for me. The energy in my personality (because there was none in my body!) and my high spirits made him a believer in me.
I'm still tired (although getting better at that!), I still wish I had a had the home and lifestyle I had expected by 30, but somehow all of that doesn't seem like as big of a deal. When I'm with him I forget about the worries and stresses cancer has left me with. I'm reminded of the greatness cancer has created within me. I'm wrapped up in the fun of life, living in the present and enjoying everyday as it comes. It's exactly what I was doing before, just at a slower pace and with someone I love by my side.
The only scary part about dating someone seriously is now if something were to come back, I'd be dragging him into it as well. He reminds me that's crazy talk and we're enjoying life one day at a time, not worrying about the future. He's a good reminder to keep around :).
These Days
January 29, 2013
It's been one month since I saw my doc. Three months since my last treatment. Eleven months since I hit remission. Yup, that means next month is my one year anniversary. Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a year since that sweet, sweet day.
I've been happy and (for the most part) healthy this new year. Despite some colds here and there, I've been noticing every week a bit more pep in my step. I'm noticing I can stay up later and out longer without becoming exhausted. I'm back in yoga. I'm focusing on my diet trying to keep it as healthy as possible... although that totally goes to the crapper if I eat out. I should start working on that. I am VERY excited to be regaining feeling in my hands and feet. They are being hit more often with Charlie horses than before which I find strange. It's funny how Charlie horses use to take my breath away as I yelled in discomfort to the sky all while flopping around like a fish out of water until they went away. These days I just roll my eyes and rub my foot until I can feel it again and move on. We're talking multiple a day here. It's the worst in my hand when I'm trying to write or cut with scissors and my hand freezes in that position. It's like a rock that has to rubbed back to life. But the MOST exciting part of all - I can once again successfully open string cheese!
Just like most tragedies in life, it's taken time to feel back to normal since treatment has ended. Treatment created a different me. I was very positive about life, but more emotional about the little things in life. It feels good to be getting back to normal, mentally and physically. I don't have to schedule my life around treatment anymore. Or rely on my sister and friends to help me out. I'm able to lay around on the couch because I WANT to, not because I'm drained from treatment and have to. I'm starting to get a grasp on my finances and do not feel stressed about paying bills as often. It's strange not having my day-to-day routine include cancer, but it's also incredibly wonderful.
It's been one month since I saw my doc. Three months since my last treatment. Eleven months since I hit remission. Yup, that means next month is my one year anniversary. Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a year since that sweet, sweet day.
I've been happy and (for the most part) healthy this new year. Despite some colds here and there, I've been noticing every week a bit more pep in my step. I'm noticing I can stay up later and out longer without becoming exhausted. I'm back in yoga. I'm focusing on my diet trying to keep it as healthy as possible... although that totally goes to the crapper if I eat out. I should start working on that. I am VERY excited to be regaining feeling in my hands and feet. They are being hit more often with Charlie horses than before which I find strange. It's funny how Charlie horses use to take my breath away as I yelled in discomfort to the sky all while flopping around like a fish out of water until they went away. These days I just roll my eyes and rub my foot until I can feel it again and move on. We're talking multiple a day here. It's the worst in my hand when I'm trying to write or cut with scissors and my hand freezes in that position. It's like a rock that has to rubbed back to life. But the MOST exciting part of all - I can once again successfully open string cheese!
Just like most tragedies in life, it's taken time to feel back to normal since treatment has ended. Treatment created a different me. I was very positive about life, but more emotional about the little things in life. It feels good to be getting back to normal, mentally and physically. I don't have to schedule my life around treatment anymore. Or rely on my sister and friends to help me out. I'm able to lay around on the couch because I WANT to, not because I'm drained from treatment and have to. I'm starting to get a grasp on my finances and do not feel stressed about paying bills as often. It's strange not having my day-to-day routine include cancer, but it's also incredibly wonderful.
Updates and Updates
It's been an incredible 5 months since my last post. I've had more going on in the past 5 months than I have in the past 5 years. I'm so excited to share it all with you, but before I do that I'm about to blow up the blog with several posts that I began over the past few months and never completed. I'll add the dates for a reference of time. Get ready for some health updates and well as some major life updates. But to give you a quick summary... I never knew I could be this happy in life.
Friday, February 15
Happy Anniversary to Me!
I can't believe it's been a whole entire year since the most amazing day of my life. I'm so excited to say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!!!!!!
Thursday, January 17
I did it! I beat cancer!
I wrote this post on 12/13/12, the day after my post-treatment scans. For some reason I saved my draft instead of publishing it so here it is, one month late. But that's okay, because being cancer free means I have alllllllll the time in the world :).
I have great news to share; I am still cancer free :). Ahhhhh, what a relief! This means I done. For real this time. I don't go back to see my doc for THREE MONTHS. Holy crap it's been almost 2 years since I haven't had to visit Siteman every 1-4 weeks. This is incredible. But along with that it is a bit sad - you have to understand that seeing someone that often who I share very personal details of my life with really does become a part of my life. It's bitter sweet to not see my oncologist and her team. I've been there longer than most of them. They were all so happy for me yesterday when I was scheduling my next appointment for 3 months. And no scans. And no treatment. Just an appointment. Wow... I've finally made it.
This journey has made me very emotional these days. I sent a mass text with the good news to a few friends who had been texting me yesterday. And let me tell you good news travels fast! Every time a new text came in with words of happiness and joy I teared up. It means so much to have so many people care for me. Seriously, sitting here right now writing this is making me tear up. There have been so many ups and downs I don't even know what these tears mean anymore! They just come!
So I have to be honest, because that's what I do, I'm not 100% happy yet. WHO KNOWS what my deal is. Like I've said before, life after cancer is tough for many. I have some reading and sharing to do to figure out what my deal is. But I have a few ideas.
(1) Going to Siteman is like having the red carpet rolled out for me every few weeks. Everyone is so nice and amazing - who wants to leave that?! I always loved the compliments that I looked too healthy and young to have cancer. Who doesn't like flattery?!
(2) I need to grow up. I seriously need to get my financial act together and figure out life. Everyone comments on how marvelous it is to put this all behind me and move forward in life. But I feel like it's pushing me backwards! This living paycheck to paycheck on a teacher's salary just so I can keep up with medical bills is down right depressing. I'm working with a financial adviser so I can actually feel like I'm moving forward in life. I'm ready to get my own place again. To return to my comfortable lifestyle. I see a second job in my future.
(3) Will it come back? I don't know. My doc doesn't know. Statistics say it's likely. Okay then, when? Will it be the Hodgkins? Will I develop something new from all of the horrible toxins I have put in my body? Will I start freaking out when it's time for my next scans? Will there be another treatment for me if I do relapse? Is the sky blue? Uggggg, the agony of the 'what ifs'.
(4) I might be done with treatment and scans, but I'm still living with the side effects from chemo. My stomach issues have only worsen. The chemo and the acid in my stomach still hate each other. I'm always having to eat to keep it under control = keep gaining weight. My doc prescribed some stronger meds so lets hope that helps!
(5) I have become a broken record in explaining why I'm so tired these days. First of all, I do not like to be tired. I get bummed out when I head home after a gathering on a Saturday and am in bed by 9pm. Second, it's not "sudden" like people have been questioning. It's been gradual, but I was good at pushing through for awhile there. This need for extra sleep was expected to occur - it' amazing it didn't start hitting me hard until I hit the 12th treatment. I'm frustrated because I have friends who are not exactly understanding the fact that I'M EXHAUSTED. So when I say I'm too tired to do happy hour after work or want to leave a Saturday night gathering by 8:30 do NOT ask me "Why? Aren't you done with treatment?" Yes, I am done with treatment, but the effects are lasting. Yes, I was out partying only a few months ago but those days are over - for now. I need rest. So leave me be - for now. I promise, I will return.
I'm still mixed with a lot of emotions. And a lot of physical annoyances. But I have to tell you, I'm breathing easier today. Having these scans behind me has made today that much better. I thought I was handling the suspense up to yesterday just fine until my nurse called me back in to recheck my vitals - apparently my pulse was through the roof. Nervousness? I am SO good at telling myself it's all going to be okay that I don't even realize how stressed I really am. Of course I cried all the way home. And I fell asleep by 7:00. That's right, I slept for 11 hours. Why? I have no idea. Looks like my body was more stressed out about the suspense than I thought.
I remember writing over a year ago about how scared and frustrated I was feeling. The journey of being a cancer patient is annoyingly tiring. All I wanted was to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days it seemed brighter, but others it was looking pretty dim. Today, I'm stepping out of that tunnel. I'm out of the dark and in the light of a new world. A cancer-free world. I did it! I beat cancer!
I have great news to share; I am still cancer free :). Ahhhhh, what a relief! This means I done. For real this time. I don't go back to see my doc for THREE MONTHS. Holy crap it's been almost 2 years since I haven't had to visit Siteman every 1-4 weeks. This is incredible. But along with that it is a bit sad - you have to understand that seeing someone that often who I share very personal details of my life with really does become a part of my life. It's bitter sweet to not see my oncologist and her team. I've been there longer than most of them. They were all so happy for me yesterday when I was scheduling my next appointment for 3 months. And no scans. And no treatment. Just an appointment. Wow... I've finally made it.
This journey has made me very emotional these days. I sent a mass text with the good news to a few friends who had been texting me yesterday. And let me tell you good news travels fast! Every time a new text came in with words of happiness and joy I teared up. It means so much to have so many people care for me. Seriously, sitting here right now writing this is making me tear up. There have been so many ups and downs I don't even know what these tears mean anymore! They just come!
So I have to be honest, because that's what I do, I'm not 100% happy yet. WHO KNOWS what my deal is. Like I've said before, life after cancer is tough for many. I have some reading and sharing to do to figure out what my deal is. But I have a few ideas.
(1) Going to Siteman is like having the red carpet rolled out for me every few weeks. Everyone is so nice and amazing - who wants to leave that?! I always loved the compliments that I looked too healthy and young to have cancer. Who doesn't like flattery?!
(2) I need to grow up. I seriously need to get my financial act together and figure out life. Everyone comments on how marvelous it is to put this all behind me and move forward in life. But I feel like it's pushing me backwards! This living paycheck to paycheck on a teacher's salary just so I can keep up with medical bills is down right depressing. I'm working with a financial adviser so I can actually feel like I'm moving forward in life. I'm ready to get my own place again. To return to my comfortable lifestyle. I see a second job in my future.
(3) Will it come back? I don't know. My doc doesn't know. Statistics say it's likely. Okay then, when? Will it be the Hodgkins? Will I develop something new from all of the horrible toxins I have put in my body? Will I start freaking out when it's time for my next scans? Will there be another treatment for me if I do relapse? Is the sky blue? Uggggg, the agony of the 'what ifs'.
(4) I might be done with treatment and scans, but I'm still living with the side effects from chemo. My stomach issues have only worsen. The chemo and the acid in my stomach still hate each other. I'm always having to eat to keep it under control = keep gaining weight. My doc prescribed some stronger meds so lets hope that helps!
(5) I have become a broken record in explaining why I'm so tired these days. First of all, I do not like to be tired. I get bummed out when I head home after a gathering on a Saturday and am in bed by 9pm. Second, it's not "sudden" like people have been questioning. It's been gradual, but I was good at pushing through for awhile there. This need for extra sleep was expected to occur - it' amazing it didn't start hitting me hard until I hit the 12th treatment. I'm frustrated because I have friends who are not exactly understanding the fact that I'M EXHAUSTED. So when I say I'm too tired to do happy hour after work or want to leave a Saturday night gathering by 8:30 do NOT ask me "Why? Aren't you done with treatment?" Yes, I am done with treatment, but the effects are lasting. Yes, I was out partying only a few months ago but those days are over - for now. I need rest. So leave me be - for now. I promise, I will return.
I'm still mixed with a lot of emotions. And a lot of physical annoyances. But I have to tell you, I'm breathing easier today. Having these scans behind me has made today that much better. I thought I was handling the suspense up to yesterday just fine until my nurse called me back in to recheck my vitals - apparently my pulse was through the roof. Nervousness? I am SO good at telling myself it's all going to be okay that I don't even realize how stressed I really am. Of course I cried all the way home. And I fell asleep by 7:00. That's right, I slept for 11 hours. Why? I have no idea. Looks like my body was more stressed out about the suspense than I thought.
I remember writing over a year ago about how scared and frustrated I was feeling. The journey of being a cancer patient is annoyingly tiring. All I wanted was to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days it seemed brighter, but others it was looking pretty dim. Today, I'm stepping out of that tunnel. I'm out of the dark and in the light of a new world. A cancer-free world. I did it! I beat cancer!
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