In case you were wondering...

I'm still tumor free :)

Some things just don't get easier

I remember being a kid at the doctor's office with my mom and needing to have my blood drawn for yet another ailment.  When the doctor stepped out I confessed to my mom that I was nervous for being poked with the needle.  I asked her about what it's like because she did this often - she should be use to it.  She almost laughed when she told me that they are uncomfortable and it's something that you never get use to.

I have scans in just a few days and although I feel confident that they will continue to show negative Hodgkin results, it's still a very difficult situation to become comfortable with.  I've been through routine scans a couple dozen times... shouldn't the anxiety before the results get easier?  I thought it wouldn't be so bad this time, but I caught myself in lies twice last night - scans do not get easier.

JRob asked last night, "Aren't scans next week?" Krissy pipes in and confirms and before any conversation can continue I interrupt with, "Yup.  And we aren't talking about it."  And I quickly changed the subject.  Hmmmm, can anyone say avoidance?!?

Then later on in the night I was talking with a friend of a friend... and cute friend of a friend might I add... who asked me on a date.  Our weekends are both jammed packed this weekend and next so he asked about Wednesday.  Sorry, I'm busy.  He tries for Thursday.  And I did something I haven't done in months; I lied.  I told him I was babysitting Wednesday - Friday overnight.  It was out before I even realized it - where did that come from?!  Apparently I'm not ready to confess that I have the possible life-changing scans on Tuesday followed by treatment on Wednesday and hell Thursday-Friday.  Well I guess that goes to show I'm back at square one!  I've had so much fun the past couple of months feeling well and not being sick I'm back to pretending it's not there.  Damn those scans.  My mom was right, no matter how many times you go through it, when it hurts this bad you never get use to it.

In case you forgot...

... I'm still on chemo.  I'm only reminding you because I easily forget :).  What I'm trying to say is I have been feeling great for the past 2 weeks enjoying my favorite things in life.  Last weekend was non-stop and this weekend has even more fun jam-packed into it!  I've been very strict with diet and my body is thanking me for that.  Five days until this all goes into the crapper, but until then - LIFE IS GOOD :)

Oh, and by the way...

Scans. 

Haha, forgot about that one.  You know, no big deal.  It's not like I'm having dreams at night being interviewed in a tiny room wearing the awful hospital gown with a panel of men surround me with clip boards and my giant chart trying to figure out why my tumors are not growing back but instead other cancers are growing.  Heh.

Two weeks from today we find out if the tumors are still gone.  I'm just not thinking about it - which is why I simply forgot to mention it in 8 down, 8 to go.  But that darn dream reminded me, though!  Oh, and I had an encounter with a bear in that dream too, so I'm not too worried with what my subconscious is dreaming up. 

I mentioned that the visit with my doc went great.  Good bill of health and laughs all around.  As my doctor and nurse coordinator were still laughing at my attempts for a lower dosage and walking out the door (LITERALLY WALKING OUT THE DOOR), Krissy finds the need to pipe in, "Were we going to do scans next time?"  Dammit Kristin Jane, we were SO CLOSE!  Haha, she is right though, it's the halfway point, time to check out my lymph nodes and make sure they are still responding to the chemo.

I have zero reason to believe that the tumors have grown back.  It's just natural I guess to become a bit anxious before scans these days.  I am not showing any signs or symptoms of the Hodgkin's.  But then again... I wasn't in March of 2011 when I relapsed either.  Arg.  Two weeks will be here before I know it; there's no reason to fret.  Two weeks of amazing weather, fun plans with friends, the end of the school year, leaving me with zero time to worry.  Two weeks!

8 down, 8 to go!

It's all down hill from here... which is becoming a lie I am VERY good at using, even on myself!  From experience, as treatments carry on the recovery becomes more and more difficult.  But with this easy chemo it shouldn't be so bad, right?  Ha, I am becoming too good at lying to myself! 

My doctor's visit went well last Wednesday.  My doctor is very pleased to see my health doing so well.  Last year it was just one infection after another making it very difficult on all of us to separate cancer symptoms with infections.  Now-a-days my check-ups are easy breezy!  After the 101 questions about the chemo side effects, it was decided that my dosage will not be decreased... yet!  It will take some worsening neuropathy to get my doctor to okay any dosage decrease.  Which of course I do not want the neuropathy to increase, but a decrease in chemo sounds so appealing!  My fingertips are now numb.  My hand cramps when writing.  My pincher grasp is as strong as a toddler's.  My wrists ache when carrying the slightest bit of weight.  BUT, that's not enough!  I'm still able to write.  My day is not entirely interrupted by numb fingertips.  Even though I am unable to open the plastic wrapper on string cheese, I'm still able to peel the actual cheese.  She said as soon as I begin to struggle with my cheese THEN she'll give the okay, HA!  I'm beginning to feel the neuropathy in my feet as well.  I was asked how intense the numbness was and how it affects me... but really, what fine motor activities do feet endure?!  My toes feel kinda numb, but I'm not sure to what degree because I don't use my toes for anything but walking!  I was laughed at for being a smart-ass for that response... oops. 

Treatment went well, just lengthy.  The nausea has increased as treatments carry on, so I now receive an anti-nausea drug through my iv prior to chemo.  So that took an additional 45ish minutes.  My chemo nurse was the sweetest and wasn't ashamed one bit to admit she could not find a good vein before she started poking into me.  Most patients use ports and had I realized I was getting myself into 11 months of pain, I would have fought harder for it at the beginning of this whole ordeal!  But with the unknown last December if this drug was even going to work on top of the fact that my blood counts were really low from already being on chemo for 9 months, it just wasn't a safe option at the moment.  But now my poor veins are starting to crap out :(.  Although I've been blessed with good veins for the most part, I've always been told that they are "petite".  Haha, what ever that means in nurse lingo!  So with all this chemo lately my petite veins are starting to show their age.  Luckily the nurse that was called in found my vein in one shot!  Although they aren't the easiest to get, I've learned that it's not a good idea to say that to the nurses.  I think it stresses them out mentally more than necessary and then they psych themselves out causing me more pain then necessary.  So when I'm asked about the heartiness of my veins, it takes a white lie to get them through it :). 

It's now 5 days post treatment... and I'm still feeling the effects - UG!  Leaving treatment on Wednesday felt so different than all of the other times.  I wasn't wishy-washy.  I didn't need to lean on Krissy to keep the dizziness to a minimum.  But at the same time I didn't feel any better - just DIFFERENT.  The pre-drugs (the anti-nausea meds before the chemo) had me in a state of calmness.  I didn't feel a worry in the world.  But then again, I wasn't feeling a whole lot of anything!  I was drrrrruged up.  I fell asleep shortly after returning home and lived in my bed until noon on Friday.  I finally had to be a human being and make an appearance at school.  I argued when they tried to send me home, but did go straight to bed when the work day was over.  I made it out of the house only once this weekend and that was for a school event on Saturday night.  Thank goodness for caffeine!  I rallied and made the best of the night, but stayed in bed most of Sunday.  Monday you would think treatment was in the past and I'm a new woman again... but nope.  I came home, made dinner, cleaned up, and was asleep by 6.  I'm really hoping the rest of the week improves because I don't have time to be sleeping all of the time!

As helpful as the anti-nausea meds were, they were not long lasting.  By Saturday evening I was fully nauseous again.  And it hasn't left :(.  I get the drunk hiccups constantly, slightly fearful that I will throw-up one of those times instead of just hiccup.  My heartburn has significantly increased, so I'm starting some meds for that tomorrow hopefully aiding in the nausea as well.  I'm on a very limited diet consisting of all foods raw, steamed, or plain.  Bland, bland, unappealing food is what has been settling best - totally depressing, but not the end of the world.

I can't believe that I'm already halfway done... and I can't believe that I'm ONLY halfway done!  The side effects are becoming more intense of course making this more difficult.  Can you believe that it was treatment #2 when I went out to dinner afterwards with a friend?  Holy crap, that would be nearly impossible today.  But I'm a fighter... going to keep on trucking through the exhaustion and nausea.  It has been, and always could be, worse.  Halfway there :)

HALFWAY DONE!!!

Suuuuper excited to announce I am HALFWAY done with chemo!!  Yay!!  Today marks treatment #8, with only 8 more to go!  Honestly, I'm really not that excited.  I am SO over treatment.  But finding fun benchmarks along the way help keep the spirits up.  Whatever works, right?!

So some really AWESOME news I received last time makes my treatment schedule sooo much more manageable this summer.  I have chemo every 3 weeks.  So looking at my calendar, every 3 weeks ran into a wedding I am in, my 30th birthday, and the first day of school (in the fall).  UMMM, that's not going to work for me!  So my doc said it would not be a problem to push one treatment back a week.  This pushes the whole treatment cycle back a week making life muuuch easier!  My last official treatment is October 31st.  And you better expect there will be the celebration of all celebrations come November!!  I had secretly hoped that I could cut chemo short one cycle and be complete before my 30th birthday (how cool would it if I was done with all chemo before 30?!  You know, keep the whole cancer thing in my 20s!).  But I don't see my doc giving into that one :).

Although I am a glass-half-full kind of girl, I am finding NOTHING desirable about my treatments.  SO, now that I'm downhill with treatments, I can consider that glass half empty since my treatments are half over, right?!  Slowly but surely that light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.  It's so hard to believe that it's going to come true!  I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!

SURPRISE!! we (heart) melrose

I blame it on the chemo - I am no longer clever.  I use to ALWAYS catch on to secrets.  I could easily guess my presents as a kid.  I could always tell when someone has something up their sleeve.  But now I am blind as a bat to anything and everything that has been pleasantly sprung on me.

My sister asked me earlier this week to have din with her on Thursday because she found a recipe she was wanting to try out.  I already committed to my Pilates class last night.  She said she might bring by leftovers then later that night.  Sound sneaky to you?  I didn't think so either.  So I'm driving home from the gym last night thrilled that the sun is still up and going over all of the productive things I wanted to do before bed.  Krissy texted - she was gonna stop by.  Amy called on  my way home too, but I missed it with my windows down and music blaring.  I was home not even 10 minutes when Krissy arrived... with Amy.  And Blair.  Hmmmmmm.  WELL, Krissy picked up a skirt of mine after work yesterday from our seamstress that Amy is going to borrow for her birthday this weekend.  I assumed they had chatted and my place was the meeting spot for her to get the skirt.  And Blair?  I just figured she had been chilling with Krissy and her new recipe.  So off to my room Amy and I went to check out the skirt while Krissy and Blair made their dinner plates (slightly annoyed that they were all going to have dinner when I had already eaten and wanted to get some stuff done!).

Now a little back story on "the hood".....  Krissy and I grew up next door to the Finglands.  Blair (Krissy's age), Bryan (my age), and Brad (two years older).  Then a couple houses in the other direction lived Katie (mine and Bryan's age).  Amy lived at the top of the street (also my age).  And there have been many-o-neighbors who have come and gone over the past couple decades in our neighborhood.  Towards the end of high school the Seuc's (honorary neighborhood friends) joined the hood.  Marissa is the same age as Krissy and Blair.  Jason is Brad's age.  And Tyler is the youngest graduating college this month!  Now if Bryan were telling the story he would just say we are all family friends.  But it's more than just that - we are a very complex family of best friends.  Growing up, Krissy and Blair were inseparable (and crazy annoying, too!).  And although Katie and Amy went to private school while Bryan and I attended public, Katie, Amy, and I were also inseparable.  Katie has been my longest friend in life, going on 21 years.  To me, Katie and Amy are not friends, they are family.  We might not see each other often, but no matter where we are, they are home.   

So back to last night.... Amy headed back to the living room while I stopped by the kitchen mentioning to the roommates that I had plans for the evening; I wasn't expecting my entourage to hang out on the couch.  I sat next to Blair who was snorting (her form of laughing) at the computer to find Katie (who lives in Denver with now husband and hood member, Bryan) on Skype.  Then I realized they all just didn't happen to show up at the same time at my place... something was going on!!

Krissy calmed down Blair's snorts and gathered us all to the big couch with Katie (the computer) on my lap.  First, I was presented with a t-shirt (pretty freaking cool!) designed by Katie (btw, she's an art teacher.  Amy, math teacher.  Me, preschool teacher.  Funny how we all grew up to be in the same profession, just with our own twist!).  Then there was a video.  About 11 years ago my father drove the 5 of us girls to our family vacation spot, Holden Beach, NC.  The video started with ooooold school songs from a cd we made for that trip.  The video (created by my sister) was of pictures highlighting trips we ventured on together as well as moments from growing up together.  I was laughing and crying at the memories as the pictures faded in and out.  But then pictures of Austin, Texas begain to appear and I became very confused as to why... we have never been there.  So after being laughed at and a few eyes rolled, Krissy restarted the video and demanded that I stop just looking at the pics and read the captions!  Oopsie.  After another view, I have learned that the Carman Kids (yup, we named ourselves long ago like the dorks we really are) are going to Austin to celebrate me being tumor-free.  HOLLA!!

Check out the video Krissy created.  Slightly hysterical, rather embarrassing, and absolutely amazing.  I love you guys!!!!

Can't stop falling asleep!

It's true, I am sleeeeeeeeepy!  As I've mentioned, the hangover is tough in a sense that my body is EXHAUSTED and all I want to do is sleep.  If you're pregnant, it's rather similar... or so I've been told.  There never seems to be enough sleep.  The digestive issues, the heartburn, cravings, nausea... and we both get a life out of it in the end :).  

I am 2 weeks removed from treatment (with one week to go until treatment again) and still tired!  Not cool!  Of course it's not as bad as the day after treatment, but still more than I should be (or at least use to) :(.  The first week I was extra snippy with my kiddos at work and really had to focus on being patient.  I love drinking fruit teas during the day, and I visit Park Ave Coffee almost daily for my tea fix, but I've been needing to have it mixed with a black tea for the caffeine!  Last weekend we had a big event at BLUSH on Friday night and I found my self going home to bed instead of out and about at 10pm!  What?!  Mel not going out on the weekend... now you really know I'm serious!  But I did make it out on Saturday night, although I took a morning and evening nap to get me through it :).  Now that it's towards the end of week 2, my energy level is starting to feel back to normal, thank goodness!  


My hands and feet are starting to take part in the sleepiness, too.  They aren't actually tired, though, but starting to fall asleep... permanently.  The neuropathy is starting to kick in.  After months of achiness in my hands and feet the discomfort is turning into numbness.  It's not a shocker, it's been expected the whole time.  And it's also expected to leave when I complete treatment (October 31st, yes there's a countdown!).  As of now the tips of my fingers are numb.  I cannot open string cheese.  I'm dropping plates as I take them out of the pantry.  I'm really having to focus on normal everyday things!  My feet and hands are falling asleep much more easily and I just look like a crazy person trying to wake them up... while walking around the grocery store, ha!  I am very thankful we are a technological society because my hand cramps just from writing the simplest of note and I throw the pen across the room from frustration.  Typing - MUCH easier!  I might not feel the keys as I press them, but at least I know where to find them!


I might be tired and have appendages falling asleep on me, but I am SO grateful that this is the only "pain" I'm suffering through!  I still find it so hard to believe sometimes that I'm on a chemo this EASY.  It's a good thing I like to sleep :).