I wrote this post on 12/13/12, the day after my post-treatment scans. For some reason I saved my draft instead of publishing it so here it is, one month late. But that's okay, because being cancer free means I have alllllllll the time in the world :).
I have great news to share; I am still cancer free :). Ahhhhh, what a relief! This means I done. For real this time. I don't go back to see my doc for THREE MONTHS. Holy crap it's been almost 2 years since I haven't had to visit Siteman every 1-4 weeks. This is incredible. But along with that it is a bit sad - you have to understand that seeing someone that often who I share very personal details of my life with really does become a part of my life. It's bitter sweet to not see my oncologist and her team. I've been there longer than most of them. They were all so happy for me yesterday when I was scheduling my next appointment for 3 months. And no scans. And no treatment. Just an appointment. Wow... I've finally made it.
This journey has made me very emotional these days. I sent a mass text with the good news to a few friends who had been texting me yesterday. And let me tell you good news travels fast! Every time a new text came in with words of happiness and joy I teared up. It means so much to have so many people care for me. Seriously, sitting here right now writing this is making me tear up. There have been so many ups and downs I don't even know what these tears mean anymore! They just come!
So I have to be honest, because that's what I do, I'm not 100% happy yet. WHO KNOWS what my deal is. Like I've said before, life after cancer is tough for many. I have some reading and sharing to do to figure out what my deal is. But I have a few ideas.
(1) Going to Siteman is like having the red carpet rolled out for me every few weeks. Everyone is so nice and amazing - who wants to leave that?! I always loved the compliments that I looked too healthy and young to have cancer. Who doesn't like flattery?!
(2) I need to grow up. I seriously need to get my financial act together and figure out life. Everyone comments on how marvelous it is to put this all behind me and move forward in life. But I feel like it's pushing me backwards! This living paycheck to paycheck on a teacher's salary just so I can keep up with medical bills is down right depressing. I'm working with a financial adviser so I can actually feel like I'm moving forward in life. I'm ready to get my own place again. To return to my comfortable lifestyle. I see a second job in my future.
(3) Will it come back? I don't know. My doc doesn't know. Statistics say it's likely. Okay then, when? Will it be the Hodgkins? Will I develop something new from all of the horrible toxins I have put in my body? Will I start freaking out when it's time for my next scans? Will there be another treatment for me if I do relapse? Is the sky blue? Uggggg, the agony of the 'what ifs'.
(4) I might be done with treatment and scans, but I'm still living with the side effects from chemo. My stomach issues have only worsen. The chemo and the acid in my stomach still hate each other. I'm always having to eat to keep it under control = keep gaining weight. My doc prescribed some stronger meds so lets hope that helps!
(5) I have become a broken record in explaining why I'm so tired these days. First of all, I do not like to be tired. I get bummed out when I head home after a gathering on a Saturday and am in bed by 9pm. Second, it's not "sudden" like people have been questioning. It's been gradual, but I was good at pushing through for awhile there. This need for extra sleep was expected to occur - it' amazing it didn't start hitting me hard until I hit the 12th treatment. I'm frustrated because I have friends who are not exactly understanding the fact that I'M EXHAUSTED. So when I say I'm too tired to do happy hour after work or want to leave a Saturday night gathering by 8:30 do NOT ask me "Why? Aren't you done with treatment?" Yes, I am done with treatment, but the effects are lasting. Yes, I was out partying only a few months ago but those days are over - for now. I need rest. So leave me be - for now. I promise, I will return.
I'm still mixed with a lot of emotions. And a lot of physical annoyances. But I have to tell you, I'm breathing easier today. Having these scans behind me has made today that much better. I thought I was handling the suspense up to yesterday just fine until my nurse called me back in to recheck my vitals - apparently my pulse was through the roof. Nervousness? I am SO good at telling myself it's all going to be okay that I don't even realize how stressed I really am. Of course I cried all the way home. And I fell asleep by 7:00. That's right, I slept for 11 hours. Why? I have no idea. Looks like my body was more stressed out about the suspense than I thought.
I remember writing over a year ago about how scared and frustrated I was feeling. The journey of being a cancer patient is annoyingly tiring. All I wanted was to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days it seemed brighter, but others it was looking pretty dim. Today, I'm stepping out of that tunnel. I'm out of the dark and in the light of a new world. A cancer-free world. I did it! I beat cancer!
