It's About to get Personal part II

Well me thinking I can settle down in life right now is a joke... It doesn't matter how great the guy - I've cursed myself.  I tried, but I need freedom.  My oncologist and her scheduling department pretty much have full reins on my schedule.  Making my request off & subbing calendar at work is beyond stressful.  Skipping out on float trips, weekend trips, and nights out because my body or wallet rejects the idea makes me sad.  It all boils down to the fact that I have lost freedom over some of the little (and big) things in life because of cancer.  So in the areas I can keep my freedom, I let it shine!

Cancer doesn't say who I can and cannot date.  Although it does scare some off (UM, their loss).  I have the freedom to be young and have fun and make new friends all around town.  Freedom... the million dollar word.  So apparently dating = freedom?  More or less I guess.  Dating is the one area in life where I get to call the shots.  I want to be fully in charge!  Curt says that I keep a very active dating life because I love the FUN drama that comes with it.  Hell, I have enough drama in my life with insurance, medical bills, chemo... I just want to spice my life up a bit!  And yes I've found myself in a few pickles, but it's never real drama to me.  Come sit in the waiting room with me before I get scan results back and we'll talk drama.  Settling down with someone means I'm giving up my "fun drama" and letting someone else in to make a reality with me.  Then the second I feel my freedom slip away I find it hard to breathe. 

I am officially a walking contradiction.  Why have I been wanting to settle down so bad and essentially lose that freedom of feeling free?  Because turning 30 means settling down in life... right?  Whelp, I'm just not ready for that... SO WHAT DO I DO?!  Date for serious or date for fun?  I freak myself out so much that I should be further in life at 30 when I look at my friends and then get depressed because cancer has pushed me so far back in life.  I lost a lot of freedom in my 20s.  I was out with the girls a few weeks ago and we were griping about 30 and one of my girlfriends said she is not ready for it because she's not where she wants to be.  Now I must be looking at it differently than her... to start with, she is BEAUTIFUL.  She has an adorable daughter, a loving husband, a great home, a giant wonderful family, and kick ass friends (haha:).  But she doesn't like her job.  Well, hell!  The only thing I truly love in my life is my job!  No home, no hubby, no family, no money.... but I do have the most amazing friends and sister.  And at the end of the day I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world because of that. 

Okay, so back to dating... It's not like to me get wrapped up in petty things like this.  I like to enjoy living one day at a time and keep my positive spin on everything.  So I'm officially over freaking out that I'm going to be 30 without a home, family, or significant other.  Life has thrown me lemons and I've made a hell of a lot of lemonade over the past decade.  I might not have material things to show what I have accomplished in life, but I have an attitude that can't be bought in stores.  It was made with lemonade.  I've accomplished more in the past 8 years than some people do in a lifetime.  So for now, when I'm ready to seriously date, I'll know.  One of these days one of these guys will actually get me to settle down... now let's just hope it's closer to 30 than it is 40!