So I don't know why, but I've been avoiding publishing a post this week. I've written two since treatment. Quite possibly it's because my thoughts are ALL OVER the place. Scans and results will be back in two weeks - I'm anxious! With the weather yesterday and today, how can one not be happy?! I'm going to go back and focus on my post that I wrote over the weekend... somehow in one paragraph I can't stop talking about how happy I am from the weekend, and then a few paragraphs down I'm focusing on how thin my patience are and I am quick to snap at others. I seriously need a chill pill! Well, for now how about this.... I'm feeling great (all 3 prescriptions from the doc are dramatically clearing up my sinus infection) and only doing what makes me happy (which includes a lot of social time and lay around and watch Gossip Girl reruns - don't judge me!).
I'm soo happy to be feeling well physically. Two more weeks and hopefully I can let my brain take a break from this anxiety! OR, maybe I will somehow learn how to relax in the next 14 days prior to the results. Ha, if there's one thing you know about me there is not a whole lot of calmness - lots of energy! Maybe that's why I make such a good preschool teacher :)
Tuesday, January 31
Thursday, January 26
I hate treatment.
Ok, it's really not that bad. The woman two seats down from me was receiving chemo through a spinal tap. SHE probably really hates chemo. But I still want to complain. Pulling the cancer card...
I arrived at treatment feeling completely fine as I always do and was spoiled with games, coloring, and food by Kristin Jane. Oh, and she even taught me how to tweet - that was my excitement for the day. My tech was super sweet and sociable and kept me warm with heated blankets. My chemo nurse on the other hand just rubbed us the wrong way. You have to be in the right mood for this one. I had her last year for something else, and she is rather entertaining, but has a loud and in charge personality that I just was not in the mood for. While she was digging in my arm with the iv trying her hardest to get blood return, Krissy was distracting me from the pain with a comical story about her missing eye cream. I was entertained by the story but of course the nurse has to give her a hard time, "You're complaining about eye cream while she's on chemo?!" Yes, the nurse was just joking... I think. I told the nurse that I prefer Krissy's stories so this doesn't seem like as big of a deal. And when I said "this" I lifted my arm to emphasize her struggles to find my vein. UG, she was annoying.
Chemo last time wasn't bad at all. I didn't feel a thing and had good energy when I left. Not the same story this time. It freaking hurt! And either my nurse thinks I'm a drama queen or just didn't care, but the chemo hurt as it went into my arm. My tech wrapped it up in warm blankets which helped with the swelling and discomfort. Before chemo even started I told my chemo nurse that this pain occurred the first time and she looked at me like I was crazy - that shouldn't be happening. I actually had a bit of faith in her that she knew what she was doing and would make sure I was comfortable. Well, no sympathy from her.
Krissy tried entertaining me with tweets and glitter crayons, but I soon became a crabass. For the most part I can suck it up when I don't feel well. But when I am in pain I complain. I get really crabby really fast. I left Krissy to the coloring while I sulked in my chair and rested my eyes - I lost all spunk. Thank goodness it's only 30 minutes - I had Krissy giving me a countdown of the minutes.
Chemo ended and I did not want to get up. I wanted to sleep right then and there. Instead I was interrogated by my chemo nurse about my latest neuropathy who made me feel like a second grader who forgot my homework at home. I left feeling dizzy, tired, and defeated by her. Driving home and making dinner were the last two things I wanted to do. I got in my car insanely overwhelmed by my throbbing arm, the nurses annoyance, my hunger, and the fact that I didn't want to drive and I found myself crying by the time I left the garage. I had officially hit drama queen mode. The pain was getting to me and for the first time in a long time I just wanted someone to be at home waiting to take care of me! But I sucked it up and was absolutely fine to drive. I went straight to my bed and cuddled up for an extra long slumber.
The rest of my Siteman visit prior to treatment went just fine. My oncologist was in a great mood and we chatted it up like usual. She and my nurse coordinator now have me doped up on drugs to help rid of this sinus infection I've had for the lat 2 weeks. We also scheduled scans for 3 weeks from now. So let the anxiety of my future begin! This chemo could very well be working and I will regain control over my life... Or this could be another failed-attempt chemo and we'll move on to plan C... that much closer to a dreaded time-buying transplant. Hurry up 3 weeks.
The good news: I've lost 3lbs. since my last appointment.
I arrived at treatment feeling completely fine as I always do and was spoiled with games, coloring, and food by Kristin Jane. Oh, and she even taught me how to tweet - that was my excitement for the day. My tech was super sweet and sociable and kept me warm with heated blankets. My chemo nurse on the other hand just rubbed us the wrong way. You have to be in the right mood for this one. I had her last year for something else, and she is rather entertaining, but has a loud and in charge personality that I just was not in the mood for. While she was digging in my arm with the iv trying her hardest to get blood return, Krissy was distracting me from the pain with a comical story about her missing eye cream. I was entertained by the story but of course the nurse has to give her a hard time, "You're complaining about eye cream while she's on chemo?!" Yes, the nurse was just joking... I think. I told the nurse that I prefer Krissy's stories so this doesn't seem like as big of a deal. And when I said "this" I lifted my arm to emphasize her struggles to find my vein. UG, she was annoying.
Chemo last time wasn't bad at all. I didn't feel a thing and had good energy when I left. Not the same story this time. It freaking hurt! And either my nurse thinks I'm a drama queen or just didn't care, but the chemo hurt as it went into my arm. My tech wrapped it up in warm blankets which helped with the swelling and discomfort. Before chemo even started I told my chemo nurse that this pain occurred the first time and she looked at me like I was crazy - that shouldn't be happening. I actually had a bit of faith in her that she knew what she was doing and would make sure I was comfortable. Well, no sympathy from her.
Krissy tried entertaining me with tweets and glitter crayons, but I soon became a crabass. For the most part I can suck it up when I don't feel well. But when I am in pain I complain. I get really crabby really fast. I left Krissy to the coloring while I sulked in my chair and rested my eyes - I lost all spunk. Thank goodness it's only 30 minutes - I had Krissy giving me a countdown of the minutes.
Chemo ended and I did not want to get up. I wanted to sleep right then and there. Instead I was interrogated by my chemo nurse about my latest neuropathy who made me feel like a second grader who forgot my homework at home. I left feeling dizzy, tired, and defeated by her. Driving home and making dinner were the last two things I wanted to do. I got in my car insanely overwhelmed by my throbbing arm, the nurses annoyance, my hunger, and the fact that I didn't want to drive and I found myself crying by the time I left the garage. I had officially hit drama queen mode. The pain was getting to me and for the first time in a long time I just wanted someone to be at home waiting to take care of me! But I sucked it up and was absolutely fine to drive. I went straight to my bed and cuddled up for an extra long slumber.
The rest of my Siteman visit prior to treatment went just fine. My oncologist was in a great mood and we chatted it up like usual. She and my nurse coordinator now have me doped up on drugs to help rid of this sinus infection I've had for the lat 2 weeks. We also scheduled scans for 3 weeks from now. So let the anxiety of my future begin! This chemo could very well be working and I will regain control over my life... Or this could be another failed-attempt chemo and we'll move on to plan C... that much closer to a dreaded time-buying transplant. Hurry up 3 weeks.
The good news: I've lost 3lbs. since my last appointment.
Sunday, January 22
Let there be ENERGY!
I'm really enjoying this new chemo! There are things here and there that make me nauseous, but for the most part I'm keeping my food down, coughing less, getting sick less, and feeling well! I really don't feel like I'm on chemo these days! It's so strange to think that as aggressive as my tumors have become, the chemo that might get rid of them causes very few side effects?! Love it!
The tingling in my hands and feet still creeps me out a bit. But it's short lived when it does occur. The only thing I really dislike about it is knowing it is caused from the chemo. Oh, and my hair thinning. I really don't feel a difference in my hair, but my bathroom sink is sure noticing the difference every time I do my hair! The chemo brain is annoying as well - still hate losing my thoughts in the middle of a convo! I was just told last night that I seemed to quickly lose my train of thought in conversation and forget about what I am presently talking about... and then quickly skip to a new topic! Oopsie. Well, part of me has always been like that, but the other part of me wanted to just shout, "It's called chemo brain!!" But I refrained :)
The best part about this drug is the amount of energy I feel! Since school started again after the holidays, I feel like a different person. I'm so much more attentive and alert at school. The lethargy isn't as bad. I remember when I started the pill last spring all I wanted to do was sleep! These days I can feel a difference when I am go go go during the day or when I take time to sit and rest for a few hours - taking time to rest does help. But other than that I love feeling that I don't HAVE to sit and rest all of the time! I'm out and about, loving this feeling of energy. I've been fighting off a sinus infection for a couple of weeks, and although it's been sticking around, I haven't let it take me over! Last Wednesday was pretty rough, I woke up with a fever and suddenly needed another 10 hours of sleep. So work didn't happen that day and sleeping became my first priority. But good thing I listened because I was back feeling fine at school on Thursday! I'm not strong enough to completely get rid of this, and sometimes the headaches are ROUGH, but the energy is still here so that's all that matters.
Treatment is again this Wednesday, as well as the scheduling of my next scans, EK! But there's no need to be nervous when I have this much energy keeping my spirits up! Yay for feeling great!
The tingling in my hands and feet still creeps me out a bit. But it's short lived when it does occur. The only thing I really dislike about it is knowing it is caused from the chemo. Oh, and my hair thinning. I really don't feel a difference in my hair, but my bathroom sink is sure noticing the difference every time I do my hair! The chemo brain is annoying as well - still hate losing my thoughts in the middle of a convo! I was just told last night that I seemed to quickly lose my train of thought in conversation and forget about what I am presently talking about... and then quickly skip to a new topic! Oopsie. Well, part of me has always been like that, but the other part of me wanted to just shout, "It's called chemo brain!!" But I refrained :)
The best part about this drug is the amount of energy I feel! Since school started again after the holidays, I feel like a different person. I'm so much more attentive and alert at school. The lethargy isn't as bad. I remember when I started the pill last spring all I wanted to do was sleep! These days I can feel a difference when I am go go go during the day or when I take time to sit and rest for a few hours - taking time to rest does help. But other than that I love feeling that I don't HAVE to sit and rest all of the time! I'm out and about, loving this feeling of energy. I've been fighting off a sinus infection for a couple of weeks, and although it's been sticking around, I haven't let it take me over! Last Wednesday was pretty rough, I woke up with a fever and suddenly needed another 10 hours of sleep. So work didn't happen that day and sleeping became my first priority. But good thing I listened because I was back feeling fine at school on Thursday! I'm not strong enough to completely get rid of this, and sometimes the headaches are ROUGH, but the energy is still here so that's all that matters.
Treatment is again this Wednesday, as well as the scheduling of my next scans, EK! But there's no need to be nervous when I have this much energy keeping my spirits up! Yay for feeling great!
Monday, January 16
Blogging
So every now and then I find it very therapeutic to reread posts I've written. My memory is severely lacking these days, and I find it refreshing and laugh out loud at many moments that have already slipped my mind! I originally started the blog to share my relapsing news and keep everyone up to date. Since I started it last March, I have found it to be more than just a status informant, but a place to vent about living with the disease as well. Tonight I reread Increase in Chemotherapy = Increase in Retail Therapy!. If you haven't checked it out yet, you need to! I honestly impressed myself with everything I wrote! I forgot how heavy the news was weighing on me for those first few days. But I'm now 5 1/2 weeks into the new treatment and feel so much more comfortable with the news. I decided the post was good enough to repost when I thought for a split second, who wrote this?! Just thought you should check it out if you haven't already :).
Saturday, January 14
Side Effect Central
I'm feeling great these days. And as I'm told often, apparently I'm looking great these days as well! Haha, I'm pretty sure I'm told that because people are expecting me to look sick, not healthy :). But I don't mind the compliments! So I might be feeling fine, but now that I'm halfway through the second round of treatment, the side effects are starting to catch up! Thank goodness I'm not in pain or any crazy suffering, these side effects are just plain annoying!
- I came home last night from an evening date with my bestie Sarah only to find my bathroom a mess... a sink full of hair. Now if you have ever lived with my sister, finding hair EVERYWHERE is the norm. I have no idea how that girl isn't bald with the amount of hair sheds daily. And have you seen how long her hair is?! I have been very fortunate not to fall down the same genetic path of constantly shedding hair... until now. It almost took my breath away when I returned home last night. I was blind to it when I was getting ready in the evening. I've noticed it when I'm soaping up with shampoo lately. It's not expected to fall out, but thinning is a possibility. It's not falling out like a normal chemo patient (THANK GOODNESS) but is for sure thinning. Uuuuuuuugg! Going to seek out my favorite stylist, Dawn, this week at Lather to beef up my hair with some volume.
- Chemo eyes. Signs of a chemo patient: dark skin (chemo is great for tanning the body), rail thin (unless you're me and gain weight), baldness (Iwillnotlosemyhair, Iwillnotlosemyhair, Iwillnotlosemyhair), and dark circles around the eyes. Luckily I've avoided these major side effects! But over the past week, I have found myself using concealer to cover up the new dark circles under my eyes. Where did they come from?!?! I kind of want to just blame it on getting older, but then again, when I'm finally said and done with chemo the circles will go away!
- Chemo patients are also blessed with alligator skin. Dry, flaky, almost painful, skin. Chemo dries the skin of any and all nutrients. My cuticles are still trying to recover from treatment 6 years ago! My skin is not as horrific as it was years ago, but I've found myself basically bathing in lotion after every shower. Now this I'm going to try to blame on the single digit wind chills from last week, because winter will be over before I'm all said and done with this battle!
- Neuropathy. This side effect is very common with the chemo I'm on. It's known to be found in patients' feet and hands. I first experienced it weeks ago in my foot. I was walking barefoot around the condo when I felt something fall on my foot - light like it was fuzz or something. I bent down, still focused on something else, brushed off whatever it was tickling the top of my foot only to feel nothing there. I looked down and saw a bare foot - but with the feeling of something on it. STRANGE. It didn't last long and it wasn't painful one bit; just STRANGE! Since then I have become more adapted to the feeling. I often wake up in the morning to one of my hands numb from falling asleep. The other day I was sitting on the ground (where I am usually found at school with the kiddos) and when I stood, both of my feet were asleep. It was bad enough that when I stood I fell right back down into the chair next to me. It wasn't painful, but insanely uncomfortable. The really annoying part was I couldn't sit for the next half an hour - every time I did the tingling got worse. Now everyone has had their hands or feet fall asleep so you know what I'm talking about. It's just flat. out. annoying.
- Chemo brain. I stumble over my words. I can't remember easy names or places. I write words backwards. I can't think of the simplest of words in conversation. Yes this happens to everyone now and then. But it happens to me in just about every convo. Not many notice, but it's starting to drive me nuts!! Thank goodness my kiddos are too young to notice that I have recently started calling them all the wrong names!
Tuesday, January 10
So proud of myself!
For the fist time in TEN MONTHS I finally did something I've been talking about and longing for... yoga! I hopped on the yoga train after my first experience with treatment in 2005. It was a major factor in how I regained my strength after the transplant.
I've been talking about it for months, but whenever I've had the energy after a day of work (which was always rare) it just never worked out. But for the first time since school started in the fall, I am cold and cough free - it's so lovely! Coincidence that I'm not a coughing machine now that I've been on my new chemo for 4 weeks?? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm :)
I have to say it felt amazing to be back. Of course there are studios I prefer, but with medical bills and the choice to drive such an amazing car, this girl is on a buuuudget so I stick to the classes at my gym.
My body feels a bit heavy today, I can tell I worked it hard last night, but I can't wait to get back there again later this week! Hooray for more energy and feeling soo good physically that I'm able to add exercise to my daily routine. I'm liking this new chemo!
I've been talking about it for months, but whenever I've had the energy after a day of work (which was always rare) it just never worked out. But for the first time since school started in the fall, I am cold and cough free - it's so lovely! Coincidence that I'm not a coughing machine now that I've been on my new chemo for 4 weeks?? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm :)
I have to say it felt amazing to be back. Of course there are studios I prefer, but with medical bills and the choice to drive such an amazing car, this girl is on a buuuudget so I stick to the classes at my gym.
My body feels a bit heavy today, I can tell I worked it hard last night, but I can't wait to get back there again later this week! Hooray for more energy and feeling soo good physically that I'm able to add exercise to my daily routine. I'm liking this new chemo!
Sunday, January 8
I finally figured it out.
It wasn't an ah-ha moment, but while driving this morning (I am so obsessed with my car - it is an amazing therapy in my life) I was thinking about it... and I'm okay. I have cancer, and it's okay. I've been mentioning this over and over again, hoping the chaos of living as a cancer patient will eventually settle with me. The unknown of my future and how to deal with it in the present has been
one of the biggest issues with relapsing... well, that and keeping up
on stupid medical bills. But it's finally settled in a good place with
me. It's no longer a cloud blurring my thoughts.
I'm on the horizon of my 30th birthday. There is still so much I want in life, and of course this cloud of cancer has been hiding me from my goals. Growing in my career, moving out again on my own, settling down with someone... things that should be easily obtainable but I just don't feel comfortable trying to accomplish while the status of my health is in the air. I've put my immediate goals in life on hold while I wait for the docs to fix this cancerous mess. And I that is exactly why I felt stuck and so challenged in accepting cancer as a part of my life... how am I suppose to move on while the cancer isn't? Well, I still do feel slightly stuck. But I've come to terms and have learned to be okay with it. Having so much unknown about the future is scary for sure. This cold that I'm starting, will it put me in the hospital again? Is this chemo actually working or a waste of time and money? If I hit remission, will it all just happen again a year later? There are too many what-ifs with an unknown future. And that is exactly what I was hung up on.
It has been most helpful getting to this point talking about it with friends. I know it's not easy for a lot of people to talk about, it's a strange conversation - no one really knows what to say. Heck, I don't know what to say sometimes. I think it's taken all of my friends time as well to let this settle. But it has finally become part of my everyday life. It's not something I announce when I enter a room, but it's also something I no longer hide with lies in a conversation. If it comes up I am finally comfortable and strong enough to say it'll be okay... without lying to myself either. I can't believe it's taken me almost a year to reach this point, but damn it feels good.
This morning I was hanging out with Sheila and among all important topics to be discussed before breakfast we reviewed my idea of the perfect man. And as a natural bestie, She is always looking to set me up with someone. As she goes on and on about this super nice guy who is completing his med school residency, she then pauses with, "But here's the THING... He has no idea how to dress. He needs your help in that department." I reply with, "Well, first, that is something I can easily fix. And second, when you tell your friend all about me, how are you going to bring up, 'Oh, but here's the THING... she's on chemo. With an indefinite prognosis." Sheila, Alex and I look at each other and just start laughing. Alex (her hubby) continues to include that he lives out of state. Phew, got out of another one of Sheila's suitors!
I love that I have reached a state with my friends that even though this actually is a serious matter in life, we don't have to treat it seriously. Now don't get me wrong, if I need to it be a serious topic in convo, my friends could quickly turn on the serious switch. But I am very satisfied that even though I have cancer, there are more important things to talk about - like I have yet to find a new blazer, where will Brit and I will have our weekly happy hour this week, and how will I top my moon-pie surprise for Krissy's birthday next weekend! I like having to worry about the little things in life that aren't really worries at all - it makes life seem much simpler :)
I'm on the horizon of my 30th birthday. There is still so much I want in life, and of course this cloud of cancer has been hiding me from my goals. Growing in my career, moving out again on my own, settling down with someone... things that should be easily obtainable but I just don't feel comfortable trying to accomplish while the status of my health is in the air. I've put my immediate goals in life on hold while I wait for the docs to fix this cancerous mess. And I that is exactly why I felt stuck and so challenged in accepting cancer as a part of my life... how am I suppose to move on while the cancer isn't? Well, I still do feel slightly stuck. But I've come to terms and have learned to be okay with it. Having so much unknown about the future is scary for sure. This cold that I'm starting, will it put me in the hospital again? Is this chemo actually working or a waste of time and money? If I hit remission, will it all just happen again a year later? There are too many what-ifs with an unknown future. And that is exactly what I was hung up on.
It has been most helpful getting to this point talking about it with friends. I know it's not easy for a lot of people to talk about, it's a strange conversation - no one really knows what to say. Heck, I don't know what to say sometimes. I think it's taken all of my friends time as well to let this settle. But it has finally become part of my everyday life. It's not something I announce when I enter a room, but it's also something I no longer hide with lies in a conversation. If it comes up I am finally comfortable and strong enough to say it'll be okay... without lying to myself either. I can't believe it's taken me almost a year to reach this point, but damn it feels good.
This morning I was hanging out with Sheila and among all important topics to be discussed before breakfast we reviewed my idea of the perfect man. And as a natural bestie, She is always looking to set me up with someone. As she goes on and on about this super nice guy who is completing his med school residency, she then pauses with, "But here's the THING... He has no idea how to dress. He needs your help in that department." I reply with, "Well, first, that is something I can easily fix. And second, when you tell your friend all about me, how are you going to bring up, 'Oh, but here's the THING... she's on chemo. With an indefinite prognosis." Sheila, Alex and I look at each other and just start laughing. Alex (her hubby) continues to include that he lives out of state. Phew, got out of another one of Sheila's suitors!
I love that I have reached a state with my friends that even though this actually is a serious matter in life, we don't have to treat it seriously. Now don't get me wrong, if I need to it be a serious topic in convo, my friends could quickly turn on the serious switch. But I am very satisfied that even though I have cancer, there are more important things to talk about - like I have yet to find a new blazer, where will Brit and I will have our weekly happy hour this week, and how will I top my moon-pie surprise for Krissy's birthday next weekend! I like having to worry about the little things in life that aren't really worries at all - it makes life seem much simpler :)
Thursday, January 5
Second treatment success!
Even though I'm suffering from an annoying chemo hangover at the moment, I really don't have any complaints from round two!
If I add up the actual time I was spending with labs, vitals, meeting with the doc, and treatment, it adds up to one hour total. I arrived at 2:00 and left at 6:00. So, what did I do with the THREE HOURS of wait time in between all of those activities? Annoy the crap out of Kristin Jane :)
I arrived at Siteman totally overwhelmed - I left school at the MOST inopportune time. It was our first day back at school and I loved every minute of it, even though it was insanely chaotic! Getting little guys back into routine after 2+ weeks off isn't the easiest, but I don't enjoy my job because it's easy, I enjoy it because it is the most satisfying way I can spend my day. I left my co-teacher and assistant teacher feeling helpless while a laundry list of craziness was occurring around them. I felt awful to leave them and the children. I was overwhelmed with sadness and guilt. And where I was heading to was not going to boost my mentality.
Upon my arrival, Krissy and I hung out waiting for my labs, both complaining about being behind at work. We were realizing that neither of us wanted to be there. In the book I'm reading, My Sister's Keeper, there's a quote that describes me and Krissy in Siteman perfectly. "There is an unexpected comfort to being at the oncology wing of the hospital, a sense that I am a member of the club... and there's safety in numbers." (I've been avoiding reading this book for years, but decided it was time. I'll let you know how I like it). As much as we both don't want to be there, Siteman has a homey and confortable feel to it. We're not alone. No one actually wants to be there. So like the rest of the patients and families there that day, we sucked it up and made the best of it.
Luckily labs were pretty quick. And I love the techs there (besides confusing me with a movie star, they are always happy and the nicest so it's hard to hate them for poking me with needles!). But then the waiting really began. I shouldn't complain when we have forever waits like yesterday. Somebody else is having it harder back there and needs more time with the doc that I do. But for Krissy's sake, she should really work on staying on time! We found ourselves crying because we were laughing so hard during our escapade of making up silly games to entertain ourselves... although I'm pretty sure Krissy was laughing at me more than she was with me. We were quite comical.
All went well with the doc when a room had finally become available. She is so optimistic, she made my appointment feel more like a conversation about my job and holiday break with a little bit of cancer talk thrown in. She was curious and asked what happens with my kiddos when I leave early. I explained I am fortunate to have an assistant who was able to stay today. Throughout more of her questioning, we found a way to make visiting Siteman less of a burden on my day. I always take her last appointment of the day (2:40), but she and her nurse coordinator continued to discuss that they are there late anyway on Wednesdays so they will make and exception and squeeze me at 5:00! OMG serisously?! To anyone else out there, this might sound like nothing big, but to me and Krissy, we were ecstatic! Treatment is already open late on Wednesdays, so this works into our schedules perfectly especially since we are there every three weeks. All that time leaving work early adds up!
After visiting with the doc it was time for treatment. But before treatment, MORE WAITING. This is when the silliness truly hit us. I try hiding Krissy's books from her so she has to entertain me instead of read, but that ended in a tickle match and more crying from laughter. Then later I found myself coloring on her instead of my coloring book - but she totally deserved it, she just knows how to push my buttons! We were entirely annoyed with more waiting (well, maybe more me than her) but sure enough found ways to entertain ourselves while we waited!
Treatment this time wasn't bad at all. Krissy and I got cozy in our chairs and enjoyed some good ol' Chex mix while chatting with the girl next to us. It was nice to talk with someone who was younger and as positive as I am. You don't see that very often (at least the age part). Krissy and I hung out with her talking about the similarities and differences between our cancers like it was ex-boyfriends we were discussing - the good, the bad, the dramatic, and the unknown. I'm pretty sure her optimism came from the fact that she hit remission after 2 months of treatment. Either way, she still got a congratulatory cheers from me with my Sprite.
The rest of the actual treatment went fine. It wasn't until I stood up to leave when I felt it. You know when you're sitting and have had a drink or two and don't feel the rush of the alcohol until you stand up? That is exactly the sneak attack I had with my chemo. Wobbly knees, fuzzy head, and a bit of dizziness. Nothing like a long walk through Barnes CAM center didn't take care of. I still don't like having chemo administered in my arm, the port would be MUCH nicer. But I really don't want a port for the 20 days in between each treatment! For now, the conversation of a port will not be held until we know whether or not this drug is working. I will rescan in 6 weeks for the verdict. Until then, get poked with uncomfortable needles and hope for the best!
As for today, the hangover was pretty rough. I thought it was only rough last time because I was also dealing with the news that my cancer was growing. But no, chemo sucks. The nausea and inability to find energy was the hard part. And really upset stomach, UG! Thank you, Ronna, for having food ready to go for me today - it totally kept my strength up! I decided from here on out I'm going to take half days on the Thursdays after chemo. Sleeping off the hangover is going to be a necessity in order for me to get through the next day without being grumpy! Last night I made dinner plans so I could stuff my face in case I wasn't able to eat today (and also to relax and mentally enjoy my time before the hangover hit). But this morning was rough - I felt like I had been out all night partying instead of being hooked up to an iv for an hour. So decision made - Thursday Half-days here I come!
If I add up the actual time I was spending with labs, vitals, meeting with the doc, and treatment, it adds up to one hour total. I arrived at 2:00 and left at 6:00. So, what did I do with the THREE HOURS of wait time in between all of those activities? Annoy the crap out of Kristin Jane :)
I arrived at Siteman totally overwhelmed - I left school at the MOST inopportune time. It was our first day back at school and I loved every minute of it, even though it was insanely chaotic! Getting little guys back into routine after 2+ weeks off isn't the easiest, but I don't enjoy my job because it's easy, I enjoy it because it is the most satisfying way I can spend my day. I left my co-teacher and assistant teacher feeling helpless while a laundry list of craziness was occurring around them. I felt awful to leave them and the children. I was overwhelmed with sadness and guilt. And where I was heading to was not going to boost my mentality.
Upon my arrival, Krissy and I hung out waiting for my labs, both complaining about being behind at work. We were realizing that neither of us wanted to be there. In the book I'm reading, My Sister's Keeper, there's a quote that describes me and Krissy in Siteman perfectly. "There is an unexpected comfort to being at the oncology wing of the hospital, a sense that I am a member of the club... and there's safety in numbers." (I've been avoiding reading this book for years, but decided it was time. I'll let you know how I like it). As much as we both don't want to be there, Siteman has a homey and confortable feel to it. We're not alone. No one actually wants to be there. So like the rest of the patients and families there that day, we sucked it up and made the best of it.
Luckily labs were pretty quick. And I love the techs there (besides confusing me with a movie star, they are always happy and the nicest so it's hard to hate them for poking me with needles!). But then the waiting really began. I shouldn't complain when we have forever waits like yesterday. Somebody else is having it harder back there and needs more time with the doc that I do. But for Krissy's sake, she should really work on staying on time! We found ourselves crying because we were laughing so hard during our escapade of making up silly games to entertain ourselves... although I'm pretty sure Krissy was laughing at me more than she was with me. We were quite comical.
All went well with the doc when a room had finally become available. She is so optimistic, she made my appointment feel more like a conversation about my job and holiday break with a little bit of cancer talk thrown in. She was curious and asked what happens with my kiddos when I leave early. I explained I am fortunate to have an assistant who was able to stay today. Throughout more of her questioning, we found a way to make visiting Siteman less of a burden on my day. I always take her last appointment of the day (2:40), but she and her nurse coordinator continued to discuss that they are there late anyway on Wednesdays so they will make and exception and squeeze me at 5:00! OMG serisously?! To anyone else out there, this might sound like nothing big, but to me and Krissy, we were ecstatic! Treatment is already open late on Wednesdays, so this works into our schedules perfectly especially since we are there every three weeks. All that time leaving work early adds up!
After visiting with the doc it was time for treatment. But before treatment, MORE WAITING. This is when the silliness truly hit us. I try hiding Krissy's books from her so she has to entertain me instead of read, but that ended in a tickle match and more crying from laughter. Then later I found myself coloring on her instead of my coloring book - but she totally deserved it, she just knows how to push my buttons! We were entirely annoyed with more waiting (well, maybe more me than her) but sure enough found ways to entertain ourselves while we waited!
Treatment this time wasn't bad at all. Krissy and I got cozy in our chairs and enjoyed some good ol' Chex mix while chatting with the girl next to us. It was nice to talk with someone who was younger and as positive as I am. You don't see that very often (at least the age part). Krissy and I hung out with her talking about the similarities and differences between our cancers like it was ex-boyfriends we were discussing - the good, the bad, the dramatic, and the unknown. I'm pretty sure her optimism came from the fact that she hit remission after 2 months of treatment. Either way, she still got a congratulatory cheers from me with my Sprite.
The rest of the actual treatment went fine. It wasn't until I stood up to leave when I felt it. You know when you're sitting and have had a drink or two and don't feel the rush of the alcohol until you stand up? That is exactly the sneak attack I had with my chemo. Wobbly knees, fuzzy head, and a bit of dizziness. Nothing like a long walk through Barnes CAM center didn't take care of. I still don't like having chemo administered in my arm, the port would be MUCH nicer. But I really don't want a port for the 20 days in between each treatment! For now, the conversation of a port will not be held until we know whether or not this drug is working. I will rescan in 6 weeks for the verdict. Until then, get poked with uncomfortable needles and hope for the best!
As for today, the hangover was pretty rough. I thought it was only rough last time because I was also dealing with the news that my cancer was growing. But no, chemo sucks. The nausea and inability to find energy was the hard part. And really upset stomach, UG! Thank you, Ronna, for having food ready to go for me today - it totally kept my strength up! I decided from here on out I'm going to take half days on the Thursdays after chemo. Sleeping off the hangover is going to be a necessity in order for me to get through the next day without being grumpy! Last night I made dinner plans so I could stuff my face in case I wasn't able to eat today (and also to relax and mentally enjoy my time before the hangover hit). But this morning was rough - I felt like I had been out all night partying instead of being hooked up to an iv for an hour. So decision made - Thursday Half-days here I come!
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