Monday, December 10
12/12/12
December 12, 2012 is being described as a very special and lucky day. It's the last time we will see a triple sequence such as this in our lifetime. So I guess that marks it as pretty cool, huh? I'm going with the thought that 12/12/12 is going to bring everyone good luck, including myself. This Wednesday, 12/12/12, is my first round of post-chemo scans. I was a bit nervous about it when I finished treatment, but I think I've had enough time to sit on it for the stress to go away. Well, most of it anyway. I've probably played every possible scenario of what can occur in the doctor's room on Wednesday. Crossing fingers, toes, eyes, arms, and knees. And sending a few prayers up as well. You're all welcome to join me :)
Thursday, November 15
DONE!!
Yup, I'm DONE!!! It's been 20 months since that horrible phone call. I cannot believe I've been living this uncomfortable lifestyle for so long. It is an incredible sigh of relief now that it is all said and done. It's time to move on in life!!!!
Wednesday felt like my birthday, I was blown away with love and support. The emails, text messages, phone calls and of course facebook reminded me all day long how lucky I am to have so many people rooting for me. Coming home to flowers before treatment was icing on the cake :)
I was in tears all the way to school on Wednesday, so emotional and excited that the day was finally here. Finally here!! I was bouncing in the car as Krissy and I drove to Siteman. My doctor and I hugged several times, both eagerly excited to say, "See you in 6 weeks!" It has been almost 2 years since we've been able to say goodbye for longer than 4 weeks. From my doctor's office I danced all the way to treatment while singing Anita Ward's "Ring My Bell". While we waited in the treatment waiting room Amy joined us and also had "Ring My Bell" stuck in her head. Mind you Krissy and I headed to Siteman earlier in the afternoon for an early appointment meaning we were stuck with patient "traffic" and waiting for labs, doctor, and treatment; something we are not use to after being spoiled as the last appointment of the day for the past year! So at this point Krissy was about to hurt me for continually singing about ringing the bell. She shared her excitement with DELICIOUS chocolate from ka-ka-o.
Treatment was anything but exciting, especially considering it was Halloween. Since it was a holiday most of the regular nurses were off with their kiddos. Treatment was also swamped. My favorite MA was so busy she barely had a moment to stop by and chat. My substitute nurse thought I was pulling one on her when I told her it was my last treatment. I told her a year and a half was enough for me! It was disappointing at the end when I was done - the nurses are suppose to throw a confetti shower for you and come watch you ring the bell. These substitute nurses had no idea and my farewell was rather mundane. But Amy will beg to differ that the biggest disappointment of all was that the hot chocolate machine was broken, ha! While leaving, my MA chased us down with hugs and tears and the congratulatory t-shirt and certificate. It was very bitter sweet leaving treatment.
Krissy skyped Katie and we had a bell ringing party. The enchanting bell. It was everything I dreamed it would be. We headed home and feasted on Rich & Charlies, the best comfort food ever. In my true style I was asleep by 8:00 and there I stayed in bed for the weekend. For the last time. Ever.
Wednesday felt like my birthday, I was blown away with love and support. The emails, text messages, phone calls and of course facebook reminded me all day long how lucky I am to have so many people rooting for me. Coming home to flowers before treatment was icing on the cake :)
I was in tears all the way to school on Wednesday, so emotional and excited that the day was finally here. Finally here!! I was bouncing in the car as Krissy and I drove to Siteman. My doctor and I hugged several times, both eagerly excited to say, "See you in 6 weeks!" It has been almost 2 years since we've been able to say goodbye for longer than 4 weeks. From my doctor's office I danced all the way to treatment while singing Anita Ward's "Ring My Bell". While we waited in the treatment waiting room Amy joined us and also had "Ring My Bell" stuck in her head. Mind you Krissy and I headed to Siteman earlier in the afternoon for an early appointment meaning we were stuck with patient "traffic" and waiting for labs, doctor, and treatment; something we are not use to after being spoiled as the last appointment of the day for the past year! So at this point Krissy was about to hurt me for continually singing about ringing the bell. She shared her excitement with DELICIOUS chocolate from ka-ka-o.
Treatment was anything but exciting, especially considering it was Halloween. Since it was a holiday most of the regular nurses were off with their kiddos. Treatment was also swamped. My favorite MA was so busy she barely had a moment to stop by and chat. My substitute nurse thought I was pulling one on her when I told her it was my last treatment. I told her a year and a half was enough for me! It was disappointing at the end when I was done - the nurses are suppose to throw a confetti shower for you and come watch you ring the bell. These substitute nurses had no idea and my farewell was rather mundane. But Amy will beg to differ that the biggest disappointment of all was that the hot chocolate machine was broken, ha! While leaving, my MA chased us down with hugs and tears and the congratulatory t-shirt and certificate. It was very bitter sweet leaving treatment.
Krissy skyped Katie and we had a bell ringing party. The enchanting bell. It was everything I dreamed it would be. We headed home and feasted on Rich & Charlies, the best comfort food ever. In my true style I was asleep by 8:00 and there I stayed in bed for the weekend. For the last time. Ever.
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| Krissy at the foot of my bed ordering our favorite for dinner - Rich & Charlies. |
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| Ok, so I look rather exhausted these days but it's my LAST treatment!! |
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| Time to ring the bell! |
Sunday, November 4
No Longer a Fighter
There are instances in life I find myself taking in a moment feeling invincible. Unstoppable. No matter what you throw my way, I have the strength and mindset to defeat. There was a moment a few weeks ago on a very windy day I was taking a walk around the neighborhood with a few of my kiddos. A gust of wind blew down the street strong enough to make the kids squeal with glee while we were showered with yellow leaves from the trees above. An older man was sitting on a stoop nearby laughing with us while everything else in the world seemed to stop. Everything felt right in the world. No sadness, no pain, only pure bliss. It's amazing watching these young children respond to the most simplest of moments that most of us take for granted; or don't even notice.
There's a song on the radio that gives me the same feeling. The song is not about cancer patients, but any cancer patient sure can relate to the lyrics. Gym Class Heroes featuring Ryan Teddy: The Fighter.
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter
There's a song on the radio that gives me the same feeling. The song is not about cancer patients, but any cancer patient sure can relate to the lyrics. Gym Class Heroes featuring Ryan Teddy: The Fighter.
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter
This song would remind me I'm a fighter. The scars and the pain only made me want to push harder. It made me want to show the world that I am strong and I can do this. It's hell, but I can do it. I heard the song this morning and for the first time the feeling of empowerment did not overwhelm me. I wasn't rushed with emotions and determination. It caught me off guard and I just stood in my tracks as I listened to the lyrics. Then I smilied.
I'm no longer fighting. I won.
Tuesday, October 30
TOMORROW!!!
It's here. It's finally here. Holy hell I cannot believe it's actually here! It has been a long journey... one year, eight months, 2 weeks, and 2 days to be exact. But it's real. That giant lump in my throat continues to remind me that it's real. I'm finally going to be done with chemo!!!! Tomorrow I will ring the bell at Siteman officially marking the end of my treatment. My doctors have no guarantee what is to be expected in my future, but I plan on ringing that bell tomorrow to announce that I am done with chemo FOREVER!
Friday, October 26
It’s coming to an end.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been having cancer
dreams. Not exactly sure why, I really
do feel indifferent about my soon-to-be life after cancer. Although it is a big deal to some, there are
support groups just for those who need help coping with the fact that cancer is
over. Yes, it sounds very strange,
something you’ll never understand until (A) you have cancer and (B) you
win. Let’s hope A never happens to
you. But if it does, I sure do hope you
get to B.
Last week I had a dream that my cancer came back. I was in a different hospital with beds lined
up in a row in what could have also been an airport terminal. My friends were there, but too far away and
they didn’t have time to visit. My
sister was there, but kept leaving me. I
made friends in beds nearby, but after time they all stopped talking to me. The doctors who were doing my testing couldn’t
look me in the eye because it was such bad news and they didn’t want to have to
tell me. Then the guy a few beds down
from me had his legs amputated and his bandages were bleeding through. The woman next to him yelled at me for
complaining when I looked totally fine and that guy was bleeding. The dream ended with me crying all alone in
my hospital bed. HOW HORRIBLE!!
In another dream from earlier this week I was going through testing again
but I didn’t need it because I already knew it was back. All the patients around me were standing with
their poles wearing long colorful gowns, sad for me. But I was cheery and continued to reassure them
that it was all going to be okay.
In last night's dream my friends were all in a party house attached to a cancer wing. I was sneaking back and forth between the party area and the cancer wing. The party house was designed with wood texture, filled with tons of people, trendy furniture, and a rooftop party that never ended. The people in the house continued to remind me I needed to take it easy and rest. The cancer wing was a very pale cream, blue, and yellow overloaded with cancer patients. They were all much older than me and looked much sicker. I was the youngest one there. They nurses were complaining that they were understaffed and needed more help. Every minute another patient died from a stroke so I was going from room to room helping the nurses. I had cancer, too, but since I was alone and looked healthy they were going to wait to treat me.
I’m not sure what’s up with my subconscious?! There have been too many all similar to
these lately. I do know for sure that I’m
looking forward to being done with ANNOYING side effects and regaining my
energy. I’ll figure out what my brain is
trying to tell me once I’m really said and done with treatment and my
post-treatment tests. I do my first set
of scans 6 weeks after my last treatment.
It sure will be the best Christmas present a girl can ask for!
Thursday, October 25
It was one of those mornings!
I’m actually a rare breed who looks forward to Monday’s. I love seeing the kiddos refreshed and ready
for school. Their happy energy gives me
an extra pep in my step. But thing is,
they already wore me out on Sunday, so Monday was suddenly a different story! I
spent Sunday morning at school with my families sprucing up our school yard,
something we do a couple times a year; it was nothing new to me. But coming home for lunch and feeling 100%
exhausted was! I am not made for
physical labor these days. I spent the
rest of the day on the couch. I made a
trip to Target in the evening and then found my bed. It
wasn’t just the exhaustion as much as it was my numb fingers that were
bothering me. My hands are staring to
struggle again. I have achy fingers with
the once again non-string cheese opening fingers. Yard work definitely strained my hands more
than I had expected!
So there I am Monday morning, wiped out, dragging, trying to
get myself together for an unusually early morning at school. I pride myself on being up and out the door
in 15 minutes before school. That was
not so much the case on Monday. As I was
getting dressed (with clothes picked out the night before) I notice my fingers
are still numb. Eh, no biggie, I’m
getting use to this fact with life these days.
But then I found myself in a predicament; I couldn’t zip my pants. Yes, they are a big snug from the weight I’ve
put on, but come on, they aren’t that
tight! My fingers weren’t strong enough
to pull the zipper up. I’ve created new calluses on the side of
my index knuckle as well as the skin in between my thumb and index finger from
discovering new ways to open things. But
neither of those worked. I found a hook
and pulled my zipper up that way. But
then CRAP, I could not get my pants buttoned.
I tried every position possible but that damn button was not going in the
hole. My fingers no longer have the
skills to push a button through a hole. So
solution? Find new pants. ARG, this is so making me late. I found pants with a button that didn’t stand
a chance to my weak and measly fingers and finally made it to school.
School was actually great, packed with a Grandparent
Breakfast, playing in the rain, and happy-go-lucky children. But come nap time I hit a wall and wanted so
badly to curl up with them. Many times I
do in order to get some much needed shut-eye during nap time, but I was afraid if I took
a nap it would make me feel even more groggy.
So I pushed through like I do best and found myself in bed at 5:00 after
school. My fingers and I were beat! It was definitely a frustrating day, but of
course no real complaints. Lesson
learned: invest in more leggings!
Friday, October 19
Addicted to Grey's Anatomy
Over the summer I found myself sitting down to lunch on the couch watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy on Lifetime. I was quickly addicted! I'm halfway into season 6 and I can't turn it off! Bailey has me laughing all the time, Izzie and Denny have me in tears, and Meredith needs to get over the fact that life gave her lemons and make some freaking lemonade, not drown in it!
Season five had me reflecting a lot as I watched Izzie battle cancer. She was surprised to realize how hard it was to not just make the appointments and go through initial testing, but to tell the people who she loved that she had cancer. I remember that was very challenging for me as well. It's almost like you feel the need to tell everyone in your life or else you are living a lie. But who runs around shouting, "I have cancer"?! You never know how people are going to react. Will they burst out in tears? Tell me about their friend's cousin's grandpa who had pancreatic cancer? Or say the most horrible thing cancer patients dread, "Everything is going to be okay." Well I know it's going to be okay, but right now it feels like the whole entire world just collapsed so feel some grief with me please!
During treatment Izzie was up out of her bed trying to keep her mind off of the cancer world while the world around her continually told her to get back in bed and rest. She didn't realize they were right until it was too late and her body rejected her choices. Hmmm, I'd say I'm currently experiencing that one!
At the end of treatment Izzie received good news that she was through the hard part; and it hit her like a brick wall. It's so strange, that feeling when treatment is over and it's time to move on with life. I focused a lot on it last spring in a post when I reentered remission. I think that since I've been sitting on this remission cloud for the past 8 months I couldn't be more ready to move on. I act normal, seem normal, and look normal that I think everyone around me has checked out of the Mel-has-cancer world, too. The first half of this drug I had so many cards and frozen meals coming at me I was overwhelmed with love. Now a days I'm usually asked, "How many more?" like it's no big deal since I've been on the drug for so long. Eh, I guess it's kinda not. Although deep into the hangover last week I would have argued that, ha!
It's nice having a show where I can check out of the real world and get wrapped up in the crazy drama of Seattle Grace Hospital. MUCH better than Barnes Hospital :)
Season five had me reflecting a lot as I watched Izzie battle cancer. She was surprised to realize how hard it was to not just make the appointments and go through initial testing, but to tell the people who she loved that she had cancer. I remember that was very challenging for me as well. It's almost like you feel the need to tell everyone in your life or else you are living a lie. But who runs around shouting, "I have cancer"?! You never know how people are going to react. Will they burst out in tears? Tell me about their friend's cousin's grandpa who had pancreatic cancer? Or say the most horrible thing cancer patients dread, "Everything is going to be okay." Well I know it's going to be okay, but right now it feels like the whole entire world just collapsed so feel some grief with me please!
During treatment Izzie was up out of her bed trying to keep her mind off of the cancer world while the world around her continually told her to get back in bed and rest. She didn't realize they were right until it was too late and her body rejected her choices. Hmmm, I'd say I'm currently experiencing that one!
At the end of treatment Izzie received good news that she was through the hard part; and it hit her like a brick wall. It's so strange, that feeling when treatment is over and it's time to move on with life. I focused a lot on it last spring in a post when I reentered remission. I think that since I've been sitting on this remission cloud for the past 8 months I couldn't be more ready to move on. I act normal, seem normal, and look normal that I think everyone around me has checked out of the Mel-has-cancer world, too. The first half of this drug I had so many cards and frozen meals coming at me I was overwhelmed with love. Now a days I'm usually asked, "How many more?" like it's no big deal since I've been on the drug for so long. Eh, I guess it's kinda not. Although deep into the hangover last week I would have argued that, ha!
It's nice having a show where I can check out of the real world and get wrapped up in the crazy drama of Seattle Grace Hospital. MUCH better than Barnes Hospital :)
Thursday, October 18
Too tired to be thirty!
Two weeks ago today I turned 30, how did this happen?! It's amazing how fast time flies when you're having fun.
I wish I can say I enjoyed the last day of my 20s doing wild and crazy 20-something things, but instead I was in bed before 7 watching Petty Woman and playing a game with myself called, Guess that Jelly Belly Flavor. At least I keep it entertaining.
On my 30th I enjoyed a nice dinner with Amy and Krissy and followed up the celebration that weekend with my besties partying like it was 1982. Sad to say, I had more fun getting ready and seeing everyone's outfits instead of the actual party. I made it about an hour before I started to get sick. I knew earlier that day that I wasn't feeling the greatest but I knew I could push through because it was MY party. Well, at least I thought I could. My partying days have dwindled over the past couple months, but don't worry, I'm not blaming it on my old age - it's the damn chemo! So after getting sick for the 4th time I was beyond emotional and sought out Amy and Krissy to get back home. I was embarrassed and disappointed to be leaving my own party by 11:00. But for the time I did spend there I had an absolute blast :).
Since then I've had A LOT of down time and have been making it a point to be in bed by 8:00 if at all possible. My body has been on chemo for A YEAR AND A HALF. That's double a pregnancy term. It's just one semester short of all of middle school. It's the same amount of time it takes a child to learn how to walk AND talk. It's a LONG time! I was telling my doctor last week that I feel fine, I'm just tired! And not necessarily sleepy tired, but just-want-to-rest tired. She stated that it's quick to say, "Oh, you should not feel too affected from this drug." because the medical side effects written on paper are not that bad in comparison to other chemos (hair loss, lowered counts, feeling like death, etc.). But she agreed, it's been a long time and as soon as treatment ends I should start bouncing back to my normal self. THANK GOODNESS because I miss my pep!
I'm really just ready to not feel tired!! The kiddos this year are extra needy and energetic making me extra crabby, ha! Between the kiddos and medical bill collectors I've lost a lot of patience. I've also lost a lot of motivation. This physical drain I'm feeling was getting to me mentally. So I'm trying to make baby steps to keep my pep going. I have to do lists of fun things to craft and keep me going. But then finding the motivation to do any of it throws everything off and I find myself in this slump again and not leaving the comfort of bed. Oops. I'm jumping back on the pinterest wagon and finding fun recipes as well projects for the kiddos as my motivation to stay out of bed. I'm looking forward to my rather full weekend ahead of me filled with fun and relaxation. Then next week I'm getting my ass back into yoga to help this mental slump!
So there has to be good in this lethargic-ness somewhere because I always try to find the good in it eventually.... well the good is NEVER TAKE YOUR HEALTH FOR GRANTED. It took 4 days in bed last cycle to really feel like myself again which was physically needed but mentally draining. Well, I have more good - only ONE MORE TREATMENT and this tired nonsense will be a thing in the past.
Woooo hoooo, come on treatment #16, it's time. It's time to be DONE!
I wish I can say I enjoyed the last day of my 20s doing wild and crazy 20-something things, but instead I was in bed before 7 watching Petty Woman and playing a game with myself called, Guess that Jelly Belly Flavor. At least I keep it entertaining.
On my 30th I enjoyed a nice dinner with Amy and Krissy and followed up the celebration that weekend with my besties partying like it was 1982. Sad to say, I had more fun getting ready and seeing everyone's outfits instead of the actual party. I made it about an hour before I started to get sick. I knew earlier that day that I wasn't feeling the greatest but I knew I could push through because it was MY party. Well, at least I thought I could. My partying days have dwindled over the past couple months, but don't worry, I'm not blaming it on my old age - it's the damn chemo! So after getting sick for the 4th time I was beyond emotional and sought out Amy and Krissy to get back home. I was embarrassed and disappointed to be leaving my own party by 11:00. But for the time I did spend there I had an absolute blast :).
Since then I've had A LOT of down time and have been making it a point to be in bed by 8:00 if at all possible. My body has been on chemo for A YEAR AND A HALF. That's double a pregnancy term. It's just one semester short of all of middle school. It's the same amount of time it takes a child to learn how to walk AND talk. It's a LONG time! I was telling my doctor last week that I feel fine, I'm just tired! And not necessarily sleepy tired, but just-want-to-rest tired. She stated that it's quick to say, "Oh, you should not feel too affected from this drug." because the medical side effects written on paper are not that bad in comparison to other chemos (hair loss, lowered counts, feeling like death, etc.). But she agreed, it's been a long time and as soon as treatment ends I should start bouncing back to my normal self. THANK GOODNESS because I miss my pep!
I'm really just ready to not feel tired!! The kiddos this year are extra needy and energetic making me extra crabby, ha! Between the kiddos and medical bill collectors I've lost a lot of patience. I've also lost a lot of motivation. This physical drain I'm feeling was getting to me mentally. So I'm trying to make baby steps to keep my pep going. I have to do lists of fun things to craft and keep me going. But then finding the motivation to do any of it throws everything off and I find myself in this slump again and not leaving the comfort of bed. Oops. I'm jumping back on the pinterest wagon and finding fun recipes as well projects for the kiddos as my motivation to stay out of bed. I'm looking forward to my rather full weekend ahead of me filled with fun and relaxation. Then next week I'm getting my ass back into yoga to help this mental slump!
So there has to be good in this lethargic-ness somewhere because I always try to find the good in it eventually.... well the good is NEVER TAKE YOUR HEALTH FOR GRANTED. It took 4 days in bed last cycle to really feel like myself again which was physically needed but mentally draining. Well, I have more good - only ONE MORE TREATMENT and this tired nonsense will be a thing in the past.
Woooo hoooo, come on treatment #16, it's time. It's time to be DONE!
Monday, October 15
ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!!!!!
This time last year my doctor was discussing the possibility that I might have to stay on chemo indefinitely as maintenance for my tumors. THANK GOODNESS my tumors stopped responding to that treatment and my new, life-saving BV was FDA approved. Because now my doctor is hugging me as excited as I am that we are finally at the end of this incredibly long road.
Treatment 15 went smooth because after all I've been doing this for TEN MONTHS now and I've got it down :). The nurses are learning that my veins are petite and are now getting them on the first try (although this last treatment she seemed very nervous that the vein she got was going to blow. She spoiled me keeping my arm wrapped up with heated blankets to help the pain). From start to finish I was a rockstar, so excited to make sure everyone knew that the last time was the last time!
Labs where a quick in-and-out as well as waiting for my doc. I really do love being at the end of the day and flying through the waiting process. My doctor once again first wanted to hear all about my 30th bash before we got down to business. So after pictures were passed around the room (which ended up happening a couple times because of course my fellow had to stop by and hear the party details) we chatted like school children so excited that I am almost done with treatment. My fingers and toes are still numb, but not in pain so she is still very pleased with that. We scheduled next time's appointment earlier in the afternoon so she can scoot out in time to take her kiddos trick-or-treating.
Treatment goes by so fast these days, it's quite nice. I'm there for about an hour total and there is always a nurse stopping by for a convo. There is a lot of laughter around us during treatment, sometimes it's hard to keep it calm for the patients around us. Although the patient next to me last time was a retired fire chief who was more than loving sharing his old stories with us. When first arrived at treatment there was a woman receiving a push of Adriamycin (made me want to throw up on the spot remembering my days of that horrible drug) and she was quietly talking with her nurse. I noticed the nurse was crying from what the patient was telling her. The patient was soon done and on her way out the door to ring the bell - she just received the great news that her tumors were shrinking. She left in tears of joy, inspiring the rest of us to keep holding on to our hope. That nurse later told me and Krissy how thankful she was that I was one of the last patients of the day because it's always good to end the day with good spirits and laughter.
After treatment Krissy and I stopped by Quiznos with some gift cards and pretty much ordered one of everything off of the menu. I sat on a stool continually adding items to our order as Krissy was ordering sandwich after sandwich to our new bff, the Quiznos sandwich maker. I looked tired, I wasn't making the most coherent of sentences, and standing without swaying or wobbling was rather challenging. So Krissy kept me on my stool as she and our new bff took care of our order that could have fed a basketball team. If you didn't know any better you would have thought that I was drunk with an enormous appetite! Nope, just some chemo with some very nice pre-drugs :).
The hangover lasted the full 2 days so I spent an extra 3rd in bed - it was very nice! I did not leave my home for 4 days - craziness! I did a lot of catching up on my Grey's Anatomy, I made it through 2 more seasons. Now I am just eager to get through the next 2 weeks and be done FOREVER!!! It's so close now, I. Can't. Wait!
Treatment 15 went smooth because after all I've been doing this for TEN MONTHS now and I've got it down :). The nurses are learning that my veins are petite and are now getting them on the first try (although this last treatment she seemed very nervous that the vein she got was going to blow. She spoiled me keeping my arm wrapped up with heated blankets to help the pain). From start to finish I was a rockstar, so excited to make sure everyone knew that the last time was the last time!
Labs where a quick in-and-out as well as waiting for my doc. I really do love being at the end of the day and flying through the waiting process. My doctor once again first wanted to hear all about my 30th bash before we got down to business. So after pictures were passed around the room (which ended up happening a couple times because of course my fellow had to stop by and hear the party details) we chatted like school children so excited that I am almost done with treatment. My fingers and toes are still numb, but not in pain so she is still very pleased with that. We scheduled next time's appointment earlier in the afternoon so she can scoot out in time to take her kiddos trick-or-treating.
Treatment goes by so fast these days, it's quite nice. I'm there for about an hour total and there is always a nurse stopping by for a convo. There is a lot of laughter around us during treatment, sometimes it's hard to keep it calm for the patients around us. Although the patient next to me last time was a retired fire chief who was more than loving sharing his old stories with us. When first arrived at treatment there was a woman receiving a push of Adriamycin (made me want to throw up on the spot remembering my days of that horrible drug) and she was quietly talking with her nurse. I noticed the nurse was crying from what the patient was telling her. The patient was soon done and on her way out the door to ring the bell - she just received the great news that her tumors were shrinking. She left in tears of joy, inspiring the rest of us to keep holding on to our hope. That nurse later told me and Krissy how thankful she was that I was one of the last patients of the day because it's always good to end the day with good spirits and laughter.
After treatment Krissy and I stopped by Quiznos with some gift cards and pretty much ordered one of everything off of the menu. I sat on a stool continually adding items to our order as Krissy was ordering sandwich after sandwich to our new bff, the Quiznos sandwich maker. I looked tired, I wasn't making the most coherent of sentences, and standing without swaying or wobbling was rather challenging. So Krissy kept me on my stool as she and our new bff took care of our order that could have fed a basketball team. If you didn't know any better you would have thought that I was drunk with an enormous appetite! Nope, just some chemo with some very nice pre-drugs :).
The hangover lasted the full 2 days so I spent an extra 3rd in bed - it was very nice! I did not leave my home for 4 days - craziness! I did a lot of catching up on my Grey's Anatomy, I made it through 2 more seasons. Now I am just eager to get through the next 2 weeks and be done FOREVER!!! It's so close now, I. Can't. Wait!
Wednesday, October 10
Who's the bravest of them all?
On my birthday last week my sister posted, "Happy 30th to my beautiful, bubbly, brave sister!!!" (btw, she is an anti-exclamation mark user. She made a point of exaggerating her exclamation in honor of me, ha!) With that she posted this adorable picture of us, probably taken 25 years ago.
It got me thinking... The beautiful and bubbly I'll take, but the brave? What does one really have to do to be considered brave? Am I really brave? When the roommates are out of town and I am spooked at night I'll lock myself in my bedroom. When I have one of those falling dreams I wake up out of breath, scared trying to clam myself down that in fact that I wasn't actually falling, but dreaming. At the end of the month I get scared that I might bounce a check before I get paid again. I'm really like everyone else...
According to Merriam-Webster brave is defined as having or showing courage. To me, courage means being strong and having the might to get through a situation. I didn't look up what Merriam and Webster had to say about courage, but I'm pretty sure I have that one down these days. Going through cancer is tiring. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. It is exhausting. It wears me down so much I want to cry, but I find that might somewhere deep down inside that says "you can do this." And then I hold on tight to that little flame of courage and push through what ever obstacle stands in my way, weather it be dealing with the Barnes billing department or the Siteman nurses digging in my arm for a vein.
Everyone has something to be brave about in their lives; pushing through your first marathon, getting that promotion at work, making it to your desk without the boss noticing you're late. My type of brave is just not experienced as often (thank goodness, right!).
So okay Kristin, I am brave. Thank you for the reminder that even though I'm losing patience and strength at the end of this horribly long road, I will get through this. And thank you for also being brave, because without a brave caregiver I could never be a brave patient. Looks like we both leaned that from mom.
 | ||
| Me, Krissy |
According to Merriam-Webster brave is defined as having or showing courage. To me, courage means being strong and having the might to get through a situation. I didn't look up what Merriam and Webster had to say about courage, but I'm pretty sure I have that one down these days. Going through cancer is tiring. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. It is exhausting. It wears me down so much I want to cry, but I find that might somewhere deep down inside that says "you can do this." And then I hold on tight to that little flame of courage and push through what ever obstacle stands in my way, weather it be dealing with the Barnes billing department or the Siteman nurses digging in my arm for a vein.
Everyone has something to be brave about in their lives; pushing through your first marathon, getting that promotion at work, making it to your desk without the boss noticing you're late. My type of brave is just not experienced as often (thank goodness, right!).
So okay Kristin, I am brave. Thank you for the reminder that even though I'm losing patience and strength at the end of this horribly long road, I will get through this. And thank you for also being brave, because without a brave caregiver I could never be a brave patient. Looks like we both leaned that from mom.
Tuesday, October 2
10,000 Strong
I started this blog in April of 2011, just weeks after I relapsed. I had become a broken record repeating the same info to all of my friends on the phone. Now don't get me wrong, I am grateful and humbled by the attention and love from my friends. I truly feel special and loved. But it was hard keeping up with everyone! Enter Holding onto Hope. I had intended for it to recap my latest doctor visits and let the girls know I was feeling okay. Today it serves as so much more than that. Besides fulfilling my need to let it all out, I am honored to be called an inspiration to others who walk beside me during this journey. I've let down my guard and became honest with my journey. Really, there is nothing to hide. Now yes, I have spared you many gross details. But the emotional and mental journey that is included with the physical pain is sometimes more intense than the chemo itself.
At some point this summer my blog reached 10,000 views from all around the world. I can't believe it. I understand that some blogs reach that in a week if not days. But I'm a 20-something (for a couple more days), HL relapsed, St. Louisan who is just sharing the latest and greatest about my journey. Those of you who have reached out to me via email sharing your own stories and looking to connect have touched my heart. I find it hard to believe that I have such a strong following. Thank you for listening to my story and letting me vent a bit. I appreciate all of your kind words and the never ending support. It is the support that keeps me positive and strong. I am a true believer that my positive attitude has been a huge reason for why I am in remission and still alive today. So for that I thank you; thank you for helping me win this battle.
At some point this summer my blog reached 10,000 views from all around the world. I can't believe it. I understand that some blogs reach that in a week if not days. But I'm a 20-something (for a couple more days), HL relapsed, St. Louisan who is just sharing the latest and greatest about my journey. Those of you who have reached out to me via email sharing your own stories and looking to connect have touched my heart. I find it hard to believe that I have such a strong following. Thank you for listening to my story and letting me vent a bit. I appreciate all of your kind words and the never ending support. It is the support that keeps me positive and strong. I am a true believer that my positive attitude has been a huge reason for why I am in remission and still alive today. So for that I thank you; thank you for helping me win this battle.
Monday, October 1
Meltober!
This is it! This is MY month! In just a few days I hit the dirty thirty mark - omg! Then I end the month with my new favorite day - Oct. 31. No, not because it's Halloween, but because it is my LAST TREATMENT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it's all finally here.
It's been a month since my last post, my apologies. I slightly over did it there with treatment 13 and not resting enough, I ended up getting really sick on Labor day not moving from bed, then missing Tuesday at work from my body hating me. Lesson learned! During treatment 14 I made sure to spend A LOT of time in bed! Since my last post I've been to Seattle for a remission/ early birthday present from my good friend Curt. I was the maid of honor in my bff Toni's wedding. I spent a weekend in bed recovering from #14 and now just spent the last weekend making a quick trip to Savannah helping a friend get settled into a new home. Whew, no wonder I'm so tired! But I'm happy :)
Treatment 13 was a smaller dose making the neuropathy SOO much better. They lowered it for this reason; my hands had become absolutely uncomfortable to use. It got to the point that I wasn't sleeping due to the pain, I was even having to concentrate when holding onto the steering wheel - if I didn't focus on squeezing it I suddenly wouldn't be! Treatment 14 was also a smaller dose and it looks like we're going to carry on this smaller dose stuff till the end. My hands are so much more tolerable. I can do things like zip my pants, press buttons in my car, tie shoe laces, and pick up change off the counter without my fingers cramping up frozen in pain. So wonderful! I can even open string cheese again! My fingers are still numb, but not in pain. My toes on the other hand are still pretty numb. But that's okay, I don't need them for cooking or typing.
I will say I am without a doubt exhausted. I am always tired. Despite the craziness my weekends have been the past month I've been playing it rather low key. In Seattle I spent probably 65% of the trip in bed. It was a luxurious bed with a phenomenal view of the city so I did not feel guilty one bit. My peppiness is lacking some and my will to care about much has dwindled as well. I'm not mentally depressed, but my body is physically depressed. I have no drive to do anything after school but rest. I guess it makes sense, I've only been on chemo for a year and a half now!
What is seriously depressed in my wallet. A year and a half of treatment has made me more broke than I ever imagined I could be. I'm dealing with more financial issues than I did the first time around in my early 20s. But I'm not eligible for the assistance I was then making this solely 100% my responsibility. Truth be told, I haven't been all that responsible. The bills got to the point I would cry every week when I sat down trying to manage it all so I gave up. Well what I learned from that naive move is that even if I ignore them, they keep growing! Huh, who would have thought. I'm officially buried under Mt. Barnes. I'm meeting with my great friend Curt, attorney/accountant to help me dig my way out. There are 2 things that I dearly love in my life: my car and my job. Unfortunately, it's looking like I cannot keep both. Maybe just one? Hopefully. Now that I'm entering into the world of 30 it's time to be a bit more responsible financially.
Rereading that last sentence makes Mt. Barnes just another bump in the road. I get to enter my 30s in just days. There are hundreds of thousands that didn't make it to their 30th birthday. I'm tired and I have debt up to my eyeballs. But I'm alive and here to experience it - the best 30th birthday present this girl can ask for.
It's been a month since my last post, my apologies. I slightly over did it there with treatment 13 and not resting enough, I ended up getting really sick on Labor day not moving from bed, then missing Tuesday at work from my body hating me. Lesson learned! During treatment 14 I made sure to spend A LOT of time in bed! Since my last post I've been to Seattle for a remission/ early birthday present from my good friend Curt. I was the maid of honor in my bff Toni's wedding. I spent a weekend in bed recovering from #14 and now just spent the last weekend making a quick trip to Savannah helping a friend get settled into a new home. Whew, no wonder I'm so tired! But I'm happy :)
Treatment 13 was a smaller dose making the neuropathy SOO much better. They lowered it for this reason; my hands had become absolutely uncomfortable to use. It got to the point that I wasn't sleeping due to the pain, I was even having to concentrate when holding onto the steering wheel - if I didn't focus on squeezing it I suddenly wouldn't be! Treatment 14 was also a smaller dose and it looks like we're going to carry on this smaller dose stuff till the end. My hands are so much more tolerable. I can do things like zip my pants, press buttons in my car, tie shoe laces, and pick up change off the counter without my fingers cramping up frozen in pain. So wonderful! I can even open string cheese again! My fingers are still numb, but not in pain. My toes on the other hand are still pretty numb. But that's okay, I don't need them for cooking or typing.
I will say I am without a doubt exhausted. I am always tired. Despite the craziness my weekends have been the past month I've been playing it rather low key. In Seattle I spent probably 65% of the trip in bed. It was a luxurious bed with a phenomenal view of the city so I did not feel guilty one bit. My peppiness is lacking some and my will to care about much has dwindled as well. I'm not mentally depressed, but my body is physically depressed. I have no drive to do anything after school but rest. I guess it makes sense, I've only been on chemo for a year and a half now!
What is seriously depressed in my wallet. A year and a half of treatment has made me more broke than I ever imagined I could be. I'm dealing with more financial issues than I did the first time around in my early 20s. But I'm not eligible for the assistance I was then making this solely 100% my responsibility. Truth be told, I haven't been all that responsible. The bills got to the point I would cry every week when I sat down trying to manage it all so I gave up. Well what I learned from that naive move is that even if I ignore them, they keep growing! Huh, who would have thought. I'm officially buried under Mt. Barnes. I'm meeting with my great friend Curt, attorney/accountant to help me dig my way out. There are 2 things that I dearly love in my life: my car and my job. Unfortunately, it's looking like I cannot keep both. Maybe just one? Hopefully. Now that I'm entering into the world of 30 it's time to be a bit more responsible financially.
Rereading that last sentence makes Mt. Barnes just another bump in the road. I get to enter my 30s in just days. There are hundreds of thousands that didn't make it to their 30th birthday. I'm tired and I have debt up to my eyeballs. But I'm alive and here to experience it - the best 30th birthday present this girl can ask for.
Monday, September 3
Thirteen down, ??? to go!
Last week I completed treatment #13. It's so routine these days. The physical pain doesn't seem as bad. The nurses are becoming friends, not just caretakers. The recovery has been a bit longer this time, but maybe that's because I haven't given myself enough time to rest? I made the choice to go to work on Friday. I made sure to get plenty of rest on Thursday and limited my visitors so I could be well rested for work on Friday. It was our first full week of school and it sure was BUSY. I just didn't feel right leaving the kiddos and my co-teacher with a sub for that long so soon into the school year. So I did what I do best - I sucked it up and pushed through the exhaustion. Luckily is was so busy I didn't even have a moment to feel tired! After school I went to Sheila's where she, Michelle, Brittany and I hopped in the car for our annual Chicago trip (last year's trip is when they surprised me with a fundraiser). I was good and rested during the day, but was lured by a 90s cover band at night and danced the night away. I woke up exhausted the next day and we traveled back to St. Louis in time for me to attend a wedding reception. I left quite early to find my bed and there I slept for 12 hours. It felt amazing. I've only been up for a few hours but I am very excited to be returning to bed early tonight :).
Overall, the hangover has been fine. Despite recovering from exhaustion and a bit of nausea, I don't have any complaints. Well, maybe one complaint. Ok, one GIANT complaint. I hate my hands. I'm ready to just chop them off.
Last cycle is when I really started to notice the neuropathy to increase. I can't open bottles, I'm not strong enough to press the unlock button on my key pad, I use two hands to squeeze my eyelash curler, and I HATE trying to put on a bra. The strength and feeling in my hands are quickly leaving. I do a few hand tests with my oncologist during my visits to evaluate my hand and finger strength. As I was squeezing her hands with mine, I proceeded, "My hands are fine! It's really just my fingers. I still feel strong in my hands...." until I was cut of by her shaking her head and replying with, "That's not very strong at all." Funny, I sure did feel like I was giving my all. I watched her move my fingers without a problem as I flexed them with all my might. Then while she was testing my pincer grasp she completely broke through my pressed fingers. Everyone in the room grew silent as they stared at my hands just laying there limp. I broke the silence, "I'M SORRY!! I really tried. I really thought I could do it." My oncologist looked disappointed but still had that smile on her face for my effort. She decided to lower my dosage from 120mg to 80mg. And if my hands worsen, then we may have to stop treatments all together. I know, I know, I'm not saying it out loud so shh.... but I could be done before I'm 30?!?! My birthday is 4 weeks away, I would LOVE to leave cancer in my 20s. Be done and move on with my life.
Overall, the hangover has been fine. Despite recovering from exhaustion and a bit of nausea, I don't have any complaints. Well, maybe one complaint. Ok, one GIANT complaint. I hate my hands. I'm ready to just chop them off.
Last cycle is when I really started to notice the neuropathy to increase. I can't open bottles, I'm not strong enough to press the unlock button on my key pad, I use two hands to squeeze my eyelash curler, and I HATE trying to put on a bra. The strength and feeling in my hands are quickly leaving. I do a few hand tests with my oncologist during my visits to evaluate my hand and finger strength. As I was squeezing her hands with mine, I proceeded, "My hands are fine! It's really just my fingers. I still feel strong in my hands...." until I was cut of by her shaking her head and replying with, "That's not very strong at all." Funny, I sure did feel like I was giving my all. I watched her move my fingers without a problem as I flexed them with all my might. Then while she was testing my pincer grasp she completely broke through my pressed fingers. Everyone in the room grew silent as they stared at my hands just laying there limp. I broke the silence, "I'M SORRY!! I really tried. I really thought I could do it." My oncologist looked disappointed but still had that smile on her face for my effort. She decided to lower my dosage from 120mg to 80mg. And if my hands worsen, then we may have to stop treatments all together. I know, I know, I'm not saying it out loud so shh.... but I could be done before I'm 30?!?! My birthday is 4 weeks away, I would LOVE to leave cancer in my 20s. Be done and move on with my life.
Thursday, August 23
And the truth comes out
Last night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep while my brain was running a mile a minute thinking about this guy I'm dating. He's incredibly fun, as peppy as I am, driven, outgoing, warm-hearted, and always making me laugh. When I'm not with him I plan my week so I can see him again. So how come when I'm with him I have that thought in the back of my head, "How much longer until I move on?" I keep hoping that my issue with settling down is because of the guys, not me. But then how do I explain it to myself when I meet someone so great, feel so comfortable, and enjoy myself so much that I begin wonder how much longer it will last?
While laying in bed thinking about this great guy and picking my brain why I make this so complicated I began to cry. I began to cry because I knew what I was finally going to admit to myself. It's been hiding inside of me for awhile now, but I've been too brave to admit it. It hurt so much to finally admit it to myself. And I'm honestly embarrassed to admit it to all of you.
If I settle down with someone I'm going to have to let him into my cancer life. And sure this guy knows about it, we've been friends for awhile now, but it's so much more of a big deal when I make it someone else's deal, too. What I have been so afraid to admit is the truth. And for me to become comfortable enough with someone I need to be honest with him. Only before I can be honest with anyone else, I need to be honest with myself.
I am very quick to say that the cancer is not coming back. If I will it away, it shall not return. If I focus on positive thinking I will not have cancer. I half joke when I say that so do I really believe it? To an extent I guess. I am very healthy for the diagnosis I have received. And a huge part of that is due to my positive thinking throughout treatment. But when I relapsed last year, was it because of negative thinking? Absolutely not. I was at my healthiest I had been in years... or so I felt. I cannot control everything in my body. But what I can control is how I deal with it. And I'm pretty proud of myself for how strong I have been dealing with this relapse for the past year and a half. But I'm afraid the power of positive thinking can only take me so far.
Maybe I've been watching too many Grey's Anatomy reruns, maybe it's the lack of sleep from school starting, or maybe it's because I've met a great guy and possibly he just isn't the one. But the thought of bringing him (or anyone) into my life with an unknown future seems like the most selfish thing I could ever do to someone. Hell, my cancer might never come back. But there's a chance that it will. And that chance is bigger than the chance I had a year and a half ago.. and it still came back. And along with the chance of my cancer, I have many higher percentages to other cancers. On paper, my future does not look cancer free. Krissy and Amy have both been in the room to hear it themselves. It's not bad news, my doctor is very hopeful. But when you hear how unsure her tone of voice is when she says, "I'm crossing my fingers." it's a pang of realism. My future is entirely unknown.
I'm not thinking negatively, but instead sticking with realistically. I get my optimism from my mom; the same place I got my realism. When she told my sister and I that she was moving home from the hospital for good she was happy and she was cheerful. She also told us the reason she was home for good was because she was going to have home nurses from Hospice. We then learned she only had 8 months left to live. It was one of those moments in life I can describe every detail that surrounded that conversation. She wasn't negative, she smiled and she was real. Her news was awful, but she still seemed positive. And hopeful.
I'm trying really hard to justify my thoughts of the future as real, not negative. I want to take what I saw from my mom and apply it to how I can better deal with my own life. I live in the present, live for what makes me happy. But you know what will make me happy? Falling in love. Settling down with someone and creating a life together. Problem is, that involves more than just the present...
It's kind of like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders now that I'm finally admitting my concern for my future. I feel a bit like a coward, I should be stronger and say, "Nonsense! It's never coming back!". But I'm also not in denial. I had to always be prepped for the worst as a kid because the worst was often occurring in my household. Trips to the ER, spending holidays at the neighbors while my parents spent it at the hospital, getting off the bus to find an ambulance outside my house... more than any child should ever bare. So in my preparation now, do I avoid falling in love so I do not ruin someone else's life with cancer? Or take the chance with the possibility that we can grow old together without anymore cancer hiccups? The bigger question is, can I even figure out how to fall in love without feeling guilty. Back to baby steps. I've finally admitted the hardest thing to myself. As I've learned, time heals all. So I'll just sit on this for awhile, enjoy the present, and let time calm my nerves about the future. There's not enough time in the world for worry and stress - time heals all.
While laying in bed thinking about this great guy and picking my brain why I make this so complicated I began to cry. I began to cry because I knew what I was finally going to admit to myself. It's been hiding inside of me for awhile now, but I've been too brave to admit it. It hurt so much to finally admit it to myself. And I'm honestly embarrassed to admit it to all of you.
If I settle down with someone I'm going to have to let him into my cancer life. And sure this guy knows about it, we've been friends for awhile now, but it's so much more of a big deal when I make it someone else's deal, too. What I have been so afraid to admit is the truth. And for me to become comfortable enough with someone I need to be honest with him. Only before I can be honest with anyone else, I need to be honest with myself.
I am very quick to say that the cancer is not coming back. If I will it away, it shall not return. If I focus on positive thinking I will not have cancer. I half joke when I say that so do I really believe it? To an extent I guess. I am very healthy for the diagnosis I have received. And a huge part of that is due to my positive thinking throughout treatment. But when I relapsed last year, was it because of negative thinking? Absolutely not. I was at my healthiest I had been in years... or so I felt. I cannot control everything in my body. But what I can control is how I deal with it. And I'm pretty proud of myself for how strong I have been dealing with this relapse for the past year and a half. But I'm afraid the power of positive thinking can only take me so far.
Maybe I've been watching too many Grey's Anatomy reruns, maybe it's the lack of sleep from school starting, or maybe it's because I've met a great guy and possibly he just isn't the one. But the thought of bringing him (or anyone) into my life with an unknown future seems like the most selfish thing I could ever do to someone. Hell, my cancer might never come back. But there's a chance that it will. And that chance is bigger than the chance I had a year and a half ago.. and it still came back. And along with the chance of my cancer, I have many higher percentages to other cancers. On paper, my future does not look cancer free. Krissy and Amy have both been in the room to hear it themselves. It's not bad news, my doctor is very hopeful. But when you hear how unsure her tone of voice is when she says, "I'm crossing my fingers." it's a pang of realism. My future is entirely unknown.
I'm not thinking negatively, but instead sticking with realistically. I get my optimism from my mom; the same place I got my realism. When she told my sister and I that she was moving home from the hospital for good she was happy and she was cheerful. She also told us the reason she was home for good was because she was going to have home nurses from Hospice. We then learned she only had 8 months left to live. It was one of those moments in life I can describe every detail that surrounded that conversation. She wasn't negative, she smiled and she was real. Her news was awful, but she still seemed positive. And hopeful.
I'm trying really hard to justify my thoughts of the future as real, not negative. I want to take what I saw from my mom and apply it to how I can better deal with my own life. I live in the present, live for what makes me happy. But you know what will make me happy? Falling in love. Settling down with someone and creating a life together. Problem is, that involves more than just the present...
It's kind of like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders now that I'm finally admitting my concern for my future. I feel a bit like a coward, I should be stronger and say, "Nonsense! It's never coming back!". But I'm also not in denial. I had to always be prepped for the worst as a kid because the worst was often occurring in my household. Trips to the ER, spending holidays at the neighbors while my parents spent it at the hospital, getting off the bus to find an ambulance outside my house... more than any child should ever bare. So in my preparation now, do I avoid falling in love so I do not ruin someone else's life with cancer? Or take the chance with the possibility that we can grow old together without anymore cancer hiccups? The bigger question is, can I even figure out how to fall in love without feeling guilty. Back to baby steps. I've finally admitted the hardest thing to myself. As I've learned, time heals all. So I'll just sit on this for awhile, enjoy the present, and let time calm my nerves about the future. There's not enough time in the world for worry and stress - time heals all.
Saturday, August 11
Livin Lovin, Lovin Livin, It's All Good
Will Smith said it best - I'm lovin living, it's all good. I'm seriously on the edge of my seat, only 12 more weeks until I'm completely done with treatment! I am so looking forward to fully functioning fingers. They aches and numb pain has been rather rough this past week, but I'm pushing through. I woke up the other night with zero feeling in my hand. I couldn't move it on my own. I massaged my palm and stretched the fingers until I finally had control again. I'm also looking forward to my hair thickening again. It's getting pretty fine over here!
Probably what I am looking forward to the most is my medical bills coming to an end! Well, at least slow down! I'm use to the periodic doc visits, but those are usually only a few times a year, not a month! I am 100% financially handicapped. It suuuuuuuucks having my life controlled by an empty wallet. Now if I was a big spender and blew all my money then it would be my own fault. But who am I to complain when the reason I'm broke is because I'm still alive? Ironic, isn't it.
No money or all of the money in the world - it doesn't matter. I just need enough to get by because money does not buy happiness. Sure, it can make life easier and buy me things that make me happy, but that's not exactly what happiness means. At least not to me. Any time I was asked as a kid "What do you want most in life?" My response was always "happiness". I always thought happiness meant falling in love and starting a family. Sure, that'll probably make me happy. But today happiness means enjoying everything that I do and everyone who I am with. If it doesn't make me happy, peace out. There are too many things in life not to love! Lovin Livin!
Probably what I am looking forward to the most is my medical bills coming to an end! Well, at least slow down! I'm use to the periodic doc visits, but those are usually only a few times a year, not a month! I am 100% financially handicapped. It suuuuuuuucks having my life controlled by an empty wallet. Now if I was a big spender and blew all my money then it would be my own fault. But who am I to complain when the reason I'm broke is because I'm still alive? Ironic, isn't it.
No money or all of the money in the world - it doesn't matter. I just need enough to get by because money does not buy happiness. Sure, it can make life easier and buy me things that make me happy, but that's not exactly what happiness means. At least not to me. Any time I was asked as a kid "What do you want most in life?" My response was always "happiness". I always thought happiness meant falling in love and starting a family. Sure, that'll probably make me happy. But today happiness means enjoying everything that I do and everyone who I am with. If it doesn't make me happy, peace out. There are too many things in life not to love! Lovin Livin!
Thursday, August 2
Cycles 11 & 12
I ONLY HAVE 4 LEFT!! 444444444444444444!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sooooo looking forward to October 31st. Seriously, the happiest day EVER! I get to ring the bell!! I remember this time last year writing about wishing I knew where that light at the end of the tunnel was hiding out. Well it's looking pretty bright these days :). I'm not sure you realize how excited I am here... I am going to be done with cancer FOREVER!!! I'm getting teary eyed right now just thinking about it.
So here's the plan:
I have four treatments left (in case you didn't gather that already). The last treatment will be on the last day of October. I will also do scans on my last treatment. Not because we are worried about the tumors, but because it's protocol. Then 6 months after my last treatment I will do scans again. But this time yes, it's because we're all going to be on the edge of our seats wondering if this chemo really worked. My oncologist says she's keeping her fingers crossed. I shouldn't complain about this drug, it has saved my life. But it would be nice if there was some actual research on it! We're all pretty much blind here - no idea what to expect for my future. I say that it's not going to come back. I'm pushing for the power of positive thinking. Let's hope my brain can outsmart my tumors.
Cycle 11 (July 11th):
Katie was in town for the week during treatment so I invited her along to be my caregiver for the day. (And it would be nice to give Krissy a break.) Katie was delighted to join me for an evening at Siteman so Krissy filled her in on my two high maintenance needs: snacks and a good story. Well instead of a good story she one-uped it - she brought an entire notebook of stories. Our high school notebook to be exact. Katie followed me around as we ventured to labs, the doctor's office, and treatment. I'm not sure if I've ever laughed as much during treatment as I did that Wednesday. Although growing up 3 houses apart, Katie and I went to different middle and high schools. Before texting was around, we communicated through a notebook. We would take turns writing in it and passing it back and forth. Let me tell you - it was a laugh-so-hard-you're-crying kind of a read. The nurses all got in on it and were reading some of the notes with us. It made the needle and chemo pain almost disappear. Good find Katie!
Once again my doctor appointment revolved more around my dating life and summer plans than it did my current health. She's so funny (my oncologist that is) - she's all smiles and laughs when we talk about me, but when I bring up the neuropathy or any ailments it's straight-faced, serious time. She's pretty awesome :).
The pre-drugs are seriously kick-ass and I really don't feel that bad. Tired but not bad. I stayed in bed all day Thursday but was up and at 'em on Friday! Friday was just lunch with Steph and Aunt Ronna followed by some easy babysitting. But it was still an early bed time for me! Then Saturday was filled with a BLUSH event, Kelly's Surprise 30th, and then Sunday was Toni's bridal shower I was throwing. And this is the first time I've really sat since!! (The plane ride to and from Colorado doesn't count!). One thing about cycle 10 was that my neuropathy really got to me - the pain was at an all time worse. But then Cycle 11 nothing... I just don't get this drug! But I guess I don't have to get it if it's saving my life!
Cycle 12 (August 1st):
Krissy and I were both unprepared for this treatment. As I just wrote, I last minutely did laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking for my days to be spent recovering. Krissy had meetings scheduled for yesterday so luckily Amy has yet to return to school so she graciously joined me for the afternoon.
Typically I have my 4:00 labs and 5:00 doctor appointment set as standard, but this time it was not scheduled by my regular nurse and I had an early afternoon appointment. I didn't really mind because there are so many staff members around Siteman that I don't often get to see anymore now that I come after 4:00. My lab tech was sweet and went on about how it's so hard to believe I'm "sick". She says by looking at me and how bubbly I am you could never tell I have cancer. I must be really good if I can even trick the Siteman staff!!
During my appointment my doc is still very pleased with my status. Still feeling great! While talking about my cough I filled her in on my horrible breathing while in Colorado; I could feel my lungs' weakness. When I told her how I use to never be bothered by Colorado air in my early 20s she responded with a smirk, "You're also showing your age." I was completely taken back! "Dr. Bartlett, that is one of the most horrible things you have ever said to me! And you have told me some of the worst news of my life!!"
Amy gets nervous during treatment because I require a story to be told when I get stabbed with the needle and it swims around looking for a vein. It's a nice distraction. So Amy was prepared, she had been holding back on a story for me just for this moment - she had the story of all stories. (And she's probably reading this right now freaking out I'm about to tell her story! No worries Amy, my lips are sealed :). My chemo nurse stopped and got nervous at my jumpiness, but I calmed down and my chemo nurse just laughed as Amy and I discussed the woes of dating.
Recovery this time has once again been a piece of cake. I think if I tried I could actually go to work tomorrow! But I'm going to rest up just in case and save that decision for next time. I've been in bed for a good 24 hours now. If it wasn't for a toilet, fridge, microwave, and water supply I'd never have to leave :). Sheila and Maaria came by with Pasta House last night that has kept me a happy fat girl all day! It's funny, I've laid in bed alllll day but I'm feeling pretty tired and ready to roll over and get some more shut eye. Crazy, huh? Either I'm really getting use to feeling like crap or I am getting excited that I'm almost done feeling like crap; I'm getting pretty good at this whole treatment thing. Now only 4 more days of feeling like crap.... it's so close!!!
I am sooooo looking forward to October 31st. Seriously, the happiest day EVER! I get to ring the bell!! I remember this time last year writing about wishing I knew where that light at the end of the tunnel was hiding out. Well it's looking pretty bright these days :). I'm not sure you realize how excited I am here... I am going to be done with cancer FOREVER!!! I'm getting teary eyed right now just thinking about it.
So here's the plan:
I have four treatments left (in case you didn't gather that already). The last treatment will be on the last day of October. I will also do scans on my last treatment. Not because we are worried about the tumors, but because it's protocol. Then 6 months after my last treatment I will do scans again. But this time yes, it's because we're all going to be on the edge of our seats wondering if this chemo really worked. My oncologist says she's keeping her fingers crossed. I shouldn't complain about this drug, it has saved my life. But it would be nice if there was some actual research on it! We're all pretty much blind here - no idea what to expect for my future. I say that it's not going to come back. I'm pushing for the power of positive thinking. Let's hope my brain can outsmart my tumors.
Cycle 11 (July 11th):
Katie was in town for the week during treatment so I invited her along to be my caregiver for the day. (And it would be nice to give Krissy a break.) Katie was delighted to join me for an evening at Siteman so Krissy filled her in on my two high maintenance needs: snacks and a good story. Well instead of a good story she one-uped it - she brought an entire notebook of stories. Our high school notebook to be exact. Katie followed me around as we ventured to labs, the doctor's office, and treatment. I'm not sure if I've ever laughed as much during treatment as I did that Wednesday. Although growing up 3 houses apart, Katie and I went to different middle and high schools. Before texting was around, we communicated through a notebook. We would take turns writing in it and passing it back and forth. Let me tell you - it was a laugh-so-hard-you're-crying kind of a read. The nurses all got in on it and were reading some of the notes with us. It made the needle and chemo pain almost disappear. Good find Katie!
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| VERY entertained with my 15 year old reading material! |
Once again my doctor appointment revolved more around my dating life and summer plans than it did my current health. She's so funny (my oncologist that is) - she's all smiles and laughs when we talk about me, but when I bring up the neuropathy or any ailments it's straight-faced, serious time. She's pretty awesome :).
The pre-drugs are seriously kick-ass and I really don't feel that bad. Tired but not bad. I stayed in bed all day Thursday but was up and at 'em on Friday! Friday was just lunch with Steph and Aunt Ronna followed by some easy babysitting. But it was still an early bed time for me! Then Saturday was filled with a BLUSH event, Kelly's Surprise 30th, and then Sunday was Toni's bridal shower I was throwing. And this is the first time I've really sat since!! (The plane ride to and from Colorado doesn't count!). One thing about cycle 10 was that my neuropathy really got to me - the pain was at an all time worse. But then Cycle 11 nothing... I just don't get this drug! But I guess I don't have to get it if it's saving my life!
Cycle 12 (August 1st):
Krissy and I were both unprepared for this treatment. As I just wrote, I last minutely did laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking for my days to be spent recovering. Krissy had meetings scheduled for yesterday so luckily Amy has yet to return to school so she graciously joined me for the afternoon.
Typically I have my 4:00 labs and 5:00 doctor appointment set as standard, but this time it was not scheduled by my regular nurse and I had an early afternoon appointment. I didn't really mind because there are so many staff members around Siteman that I don't often get to see anymore now that I come after 4:00. My lab tech was sweet and went on about how it's so hard to believe I'm "sick". She says by looking at me and how bubbly I am you could never tell I have cancer. I must be really good if I can even trick the Siteman staff!!
During my appointment my doc is still very pleased with my status. Still feeling great! While talking about my cough I filled her in on my horrible breathing while in Colorado; I could feel my lungs' weakness. When I told her how I use to never be bothered by Colorado air in my early 20s she responded with a smirk, "You're also showing your age." I was completely taken back! "Dr. Bartlett, that is one of the most horrible things you have ever said to me! And you have told me some of the worst news of my life!!"
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| Sporting the new colored tape!! |
Amy gets nervous during treatment because I require a story to be told when I get stabbed with the needle and it swims around looking for a vein. It's a nice distraction. So Amy was prepared, she had been holding back on a story for me just for this moment - she had the story of all stories. (And she's probably reading this right now freaking out I'm about to tell her story! No worries Amy, my lips are sealed :). My chemo nurse stopped and got nervous at my jumpiness, but I calmed down and my chemo nurse just laughed as Amy and I discussed the woes of dating.
Recovery this time has once again been a piece of cake. I think if I tried I could actually go to work tomorrow! But I'm going to rest up just in case and save that decision for next time. I've been in bed for a good 24 hours now. If it wasn't for a toilet, fridge, microwave, and water supply I'd never have to leave :). Sheila and Maaria came by with Pasta House last night that has kept me a happy fat girl all day! It's funny, I've laid in bed alllll day but I'm feeling pretty tired and ready to roll over and get some more shut eye. Crazy, huh? Either I'm really getting use to feeling like crap or I am getting excited that I'm almost done feeling like crap; I'm getting pretty good at this whole treatment thing. Now only 4 more days of feeling like crap.... it's so close!!!
Colorado!
Back in May I was surprised by my childhood friends Amy, Katie, Krissy (sister), and Blair with a trip to celebrate my remission. Check out SURPRISE! we (heart) melrose to read all about it. The original plan was to hit up Austin, TX, a city none of us have visited. But after a month of planning I decided I'd love to see Katie's fam (her husband, Bryan, I have also been friends with for 22 years. And I'm slightly obsessed with their daughter, Lucy who has pics all over this blog :) and since Blair is living with them in Denver this summer it would be easiest for me, Krissy, and Amy to travel there. So Colorado it was.
Our trip was filled with laughing, dancing, reading, coloring, singing, and many new memories to put down in the book. Unfortunately they were stuck with a crabby Mel for the first couple days. The Colorado air and I did not get along - it felt like that elephant was back sitting on my chest. The thin air drained me and I was exhausted! But of course by day 5 I was acclimated with plenty of energy and was ready to do the trip all over again!
When we arrived in Denver, Katie had delicious food waiting for us along along with a masseuse! We headed out on the town with our good friend Marissa, then woke up early the next morning to really start our trip - Breckenridge. We went horseback riding, ice cream eating, white water rafting, hiking (well, the girls did - the flight of stairs was enough of a hike for me!), shopping, hot tubbing, and a lot of hanging out around the condo.
It if wasn't for these girls I wouldn't of had a real vacation this summer. They took care of picking up all of my costs so I could join them. This is one of the most selfless things that has ever been done for me, I could not be more thankful. Thank you girls, I love you :)
Our trip was filled with laughing, dancing, reading, coloring, singing, and many new memories to put down in the book. Unfortunately they were stuck with a crabby Mel for the first couple days. The Colorado air and I did not get along - it felt like that elephant was back sitting on my chest. The thin air drained me and I was exhausted! But of course by day 5 I was acclimated with plenty of energy and was ready to do the trip all over again!
When we arrived in Denver, Katie had delicious food waiting for us along along with a masseuse! We headed out on the town with our good friend Marissa, then woke up early the next morning to really start our trip - Breckenridge. We went horseback riding, ice cream eating, white water rafting, hiking (well, the girls did - the flight of stairs was enough of a hike for me!), shopping, hot tubbing, and a lot of hanging out around the condo.
It if wasn't for these girls I wouldn't of had a real vacation this summer. They took care of picking up all of my costs so I could join them. This is one of the most selfless things that has ever been done for me, I could not be more thankful. Thank you girls, I love you :)
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| Krissy and Amy during our layover in Omaha aka the smallest airport ever. |
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| Krissy, Marissa, Amy, Me, Katie, Blair @ dinner in Denver. |
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| Heading towards the hills! On our way to Brec. |
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| Horseback riding in Avon - beyond beautiful. |
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| Lake Dillon. We laid on blankets, picnicked, and napped while Amy read to us |
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| Bright and early drive to white water rafting. |
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| Enjoying our last day in Brec. Blair, Krissy, Amy, Me, and Katie |
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