I spent the morning doing one of my favorite things - driving my car. Yesterday morning I took the country back roads home from an epic weekend in middle-of-no-where-Roberstville and reflected on where I really am in life. I've been spending extra quality time with my car lately knowing I need to make an adult decision here soon. My car is my only luxury in life. I've cut out shopping (my favorite hobby) in order to keep this car. But with medical bills only rising and my bank account always empty it's probably the best decision to trade her in for something with a lower car payment. And gets better gas mileage. And cheaper insurance. Thinking about all of this on my amazing drive made me emotional and then the reflection of my life really began. I've been pressuring myself to grow up and start settling down in life now that I hold the mindset that I will be done with this whole cancer world in October. Yes, I have decided it's not coming back. I know, it doesn't exactly work that way, but I'm also pretty good at getting what I want :) So as I focus on where I am in life I began to realize how much cancer controls my decisions. I have a good job, but I could work at one that pays me more. But how do I find a new position and say, "Oh by the way, I will need off 3 consecutive days every 3 weeks." I love where I live, but it's not mine. I need my own place in life... but that requires money that is instead currently going to Barnes. As a social butterfly, I can't imagine not running around town on a Tuesday night with JRob like we're the only two people in the world. But I'm almost 30 and should start acting my age. I start to get frustrated about life decisions and think about how much easier it would be if cancer was never a part of my life. It's crazy to think of how different of a person I would be if my family was never affected by cancer. I'm pretty sure everyone can relate to this in one way or another about decisions they've made in life. Thing is, I didn't make this life altering decision in life - it found me. And my family. I did nothing to cause it or deserve it.... and I become more and more frustrated and emotional with where I am today thinking about the hoops I've had to jump through. So I brainstorm... how can I regain the control in my life? For starters, I can work on my dating life.
For a little less than 2 years I have been a single girl loving every bit of the dating world. Truth be told, this is the first time in life I've ever dated. I have always been a relationship girl, never single, always in love. Shortly after I became single in 2010, my cancer relapsed. Girl on chemo = no time for a relationship! It hasn't been easy going through the tumor roller coaster as a single girl, but I did it (with the support of my million and one amazing friends). So all this time off from relationshipville has surprisingly been one of my most favorite times in life. But now I have somehow gained a phobia for relationships. Dating has been so much fun leaving me with little desire to settle down with someone. Getting to know someone past a couple dates means they find out about my big C secret. And we all know I'm not going to let that secret out! But how do I fill someone in on what runs every decision in my life without them running away? Just don't tell them! I've honestly been using cancer as my excuse for not getting serious with someone. And it's unfortunate. I've turned down some really great guys because I'm just too damn scared. Scared of what? I don't know. I've recently started dating someone who knew about my big secret before our first date. That has made things soooo much easier on me. And he's one of the few that didn't run away scared from my baggage. And it's the first that I've been comfortable with dating just one person since I relapsed. But my anxiety is skyrocketing right now. Is it really the cancer that won't let me settle down or just the fear of trusting someone with my heart again? So executive decision time - it's time to stop using the cancer card as a clutch. Only 4 more months and treatment (which to be honest, appointments and treatment are becoming very routine in my world) will all be behind me. Forever. I'm ready to get a head start on my future. #1: Let my guard down and let someone in. #2: Win the lottery. And then all problems shall be solved! Baby steps to reality, right? :)
.JPG)
