Home Sweet Home

I've been home for a few days now and it feels good.  I was released around 6:30 Friday evening (there was a bit of drama with them officially releasing me - my nurses and I were worried, but the docs finally came through!).  I found it to be much more emotional that I ever expected when I left.  And by "much more emotional" I mean, I was not expecting it to be emotional at all.  As the staff packed me into my wheelchair with all of my things (and of course there was A LOT that accumulated over 5 1/2 days) I felt my whirlwind of excitement slowly leaving me and a rush of vulnerability take over.  It is always slightly nerve-wrecking when leaving the hospital knowing I don't have a nurse call-light at home.  While my nurse was saying her goodbyes, we both started tearing up.  I don't know how they do it.  Patients constantly coming and going, some not even making it through the night.  I've seen a lot through out my years in and out of living in the hospital.  Oncology nurses become so close with their patients, they are truly the strong ones who help keep us brave.  It's a very personal relationship with a nurse.  They want to know what I ate as well as how much.  When was the last time I went to the bathroom... as well as every detail about it.  Shots in awkward places, sponge baths, and assistance with changing clothes...  They are truly amazing people.  I feel so fortunate being a patient at Barnes - I have always had extraordinary care.  This time was no exception.  As I was wheeled out I was caught by one more nurse to say goodbye, and the tears continued to come.  I hate goodbyes, even if I was only seconds away to freedom.  It's a confusing and overwhelming feeling. 


I climbed into Krissy's car as the clouds rolled in and temperature continued to drop.  I didn't even notice the crappy weather, it was an absolutely amazing sensation.  Krissy rolled down the windows, opened the sunroof and I was in heaven.  Outside air.  It had been a week since I felt freedom.  I continued to shed tears as I let the wind take me over.


We made a pit stop to Walgreens (drop off scripts) and Subway (Krissy's hope that I would eat.  All I really wanted was a fountain Sprite.  I still wasn't doing so well with solid foods...).  Funny enough, by the time we made it home, I was still in tears.  I cried when I saw Kuhn, and I cried when I sent Krissy on her way.  I decided it was time to tuck my emotional self into bed and sleep it off.  Twelve hours later I finally felt refreshed and much less emotional.  It felt AMAZING to sleep a full night (like I said, the longest I've slept in the hospital was 3.5 hours straight - there was ALWAYS someone who needed vitals, tests, blood, meds, etc.).  Sleep and I became reacquainted and have been besties ever since!


Saturday and Sunday were filled with visitors and food.  Krissy had friends in town she was hosting from both coasts, so I made sure she was off duty for the weekend.  Amy stepped up to the plate immediately and took care of my grocery shopping, cleaning, and Walgreens run (something I was going to attempt on my own on Saturday morning.  She insisted on taking me, and by the time we left Walgreens- about 30 minutes later - I was holding on her her for support while she laughed at me for even thinking that I was going to attempt this on my own!). 


Thank you to all of my friends (and the most adorable 2-year-old Adam) who came by to keep my spirits up.  My fridge is STOCKED (the best feeling ever) and I am a happy patient.  Against my friends' wishes, I returned to work on Monday.  Yes, it might have been too early.  My strength was not quite ready to deal with children.  But I was beyond ready for their spirits and laughter - my best medicine.  I really don't think I over did it - I sat a lot and they were very easy on me.  I caught myself just staring at them at various moments throughout the day.  They are so innocent and pure... true blessings in life.  I have no regrets in returning so early.  It was worth every giggle.  Granted, I came home a bit tired.  I grabbed a snack, my computer, and got cozy in bed to do some blogging.  But my eyes suddenly felt heavy.  Catnap time!  I was in and out of my nap for longer than expected, and by 9:00 Kuhn came in and turned out my light for me.  Oops, slept away the whole evening (maybe it was because my bed is SO comfortable - Kuhn cleaned my linens and had it ready for me when I came home from the hospital.  How do you say no to a cozy bed??).  There was nothing else to do but roll over and spend some quality time with my long lost friend, Sleep.  It was another glorious 12 hour sleep.  Funny, I find myself here, Tuesday morning, needing caffeine to keep me going, but I think I have plenty of reason to justify my chi tea lattes since this time last week I was suck in a hospital bed!


It's been a whirlwind the last week or so, but I'm adjusting and moving on.  I'm back in reality and (with the support of friends) being able to fully function again.  It truly is the support of my friends, visitors, gifts, cards of encouragement, flowers, food, and of course Krissy and Amy who have helped get this far.  Let's hope that last week's hiccup is not a repeat and things begin to smooth out.  I see the doc tomorrow morning and we have A LOT to discuss... like lets not let last week happen again!!

Here's to a healthy and productive rest of the month.  Time to play catch-up with life and sleep.  I think I can handle this :)