OK, so this whole cancer thing is on my mind pretty often. Not in a bad, depressing way, but the affects from this cancer are ALWAYS there. Whether it's due to the pain from coughing or from the need for suddenly requiring 10+ hours of sleep to properly function, there is always something popping up that reminds me it's not just another cold... it's cancer. I will focus on whatever is currently affecting me, then stratagize ways to deal with it and move on. But that's the thing... I'm only able to move on until the next bend in the roller coaster!
When I was first diagnosed in 2003, I was given a prognosis: 8 months of chemo and 1 month of radiation. Ok, no biggie. Well, then the chemo backfired and I found myself 8 months later leaving college and moving into Barnes hospital. This time I was given a new prognosis: 2 months of grueling chemo followed by a month of high-dose chemo and a stem cell transplant. Oh, and then a month of radiation. And that time it came true - beginning to end. Sure it was one hell of a chemo ride that lasted 15 months total, but I did it. And then I FINISHED and entered remission. The End (well, besides the additional full year it took me to really feel 100% back to normal).
That's the thing with cancer... when you are diagnosed, for the most part, you are given a prognosis. Here's your treatment schedule with this many drugs for this amount of time. Then THE END, have a happy life. So here I am now, almost 7 years later with a relapse, with a prognosis including no definite prognosis. Until a cure or really awesome treatment comes along, I will have cancer for life. Everyone I know, including myself back in 2003, is given a prognosis when diagnosed with cancer... battle, win, and then move on with life. Thing is - I am in a lifetime battle. So what I'm battling with is not just the chemo side effects, but the mentality of having this disease and it's crazy roller coaster bumps for life. There is no end in sight.
I've been sitting on this realization for a week now. I feel much better now that I'm able to pinpoint my struggles a bit. So I'm not crazy - living with a terminal disease that most beat in less than a year is very stressing on the mind. Even though (and thankfully) I'm not in physical pain (for the most part), I'm still mentally drained by this prognosis of no prognosis. I don't mind having these tumors, they do not affect me one bit... it's the damn treatment. It's this cold that's lasted for 2+ weeks now and kept me in bed for a good part of it. It's the unknowing that when I eat a meal, it might very well come right back up. It's fracturing ribs from coughing and not being able to pull my weight at work. As soon as I'm over one thing, something new occurs. And I have NEVER been one to look at life knowing that there will always be something negative around the corner. Sure there always will be something, but why look at life that way? I learned from my mother to only look for the positive; it's what you have to do to stay sane when living with cancer. Sure, the negative will be there, but just deal with it. She would often say life isn't fair, so get over it. And this cold is not the end of the world... but knowing that as soon as it's over there WILL BE something else; and that is what is wearing on my mind.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders since I've come to this realization. It all makes sense now. This time is not just different from my own experiences, but it's different from any cancer patient that I have ever met. It's starting to look like the best treatment for me at this point is time. Only time will let this soak a bit longer and allow me to become more comfortable with the loops and bumps in this roller coaster ride. Will my tumors next time be stable or will they continue to grow? One day will finally come when I'm so use to this disease that it's annoyances will not constantly be crossing my mind. I look forward to that day.
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