A very good and old friend of mine, who I have mentioned before, decided he needed a visitor while he was wrapping up an out of town deposition in Minneapolis this past weekend. So after a bit of arguing back and forth via text (because how many times can I have friends fly me around until I say enough?!), I was pleasantly surprised to open my email a couple weeks ago to discover airline tickets waiting to whisk me away to Mall of America for the weekend! I knew it was going to be a week of scans and doc appointments for me, and Curt just received an honorable recgonization at his firm, so this was going to be a weekend of celebration for the both of us (well, with the hope that I was receiving good news from the doc). When I arrived in Minni and didn't come bounding off of the plane shouting great news of shrinking tumors, he had a feeling I wasn't arriving with good news - but we left it unsaid, not to get in the way of my first meeting with Mall of America.
The day was filled with frivolous buying, awing over ginormous lego sculptors, feeling dizzy just watching the children flip in circles on the roller coasters, indulging in delicious food, and learning the map so well that I was able to provide assistance to the tourists. When my feet and the Visa became tired, we ventured over to the W Hotel where I officially decided I was living the life of somebody else for the weekend. I am not one to shop around the biggest mall in America as if I own it or spend my weekend in a swanky hotel for the fun of it. I rent a room from my friend and work a second job at a boutique so I do not feel guilty spending money on myself instead of Barnes. From the moment I landed to the moment we sat down at dinner, I felt like someone else... and it felt amazing.
After our MOA takeover, I hung out in my room for awhile sitting in the windowsill gazing over the gorgeous city, reflecting on the past 48 hours. My cancer is growing. I have NO idea how to handle this news. I immediately want to cry. But I'm so use to receiving upsetting news, I'm really good and just laughing it off and hoping for the best. My emotions are like a roller coaster. I can be so strong and optimistic, and then I'm lost in my thoughts about the future, finances, loss of freedom, side effects, fatigue, insurance, relationships, and the list goes on. I can't just say I'm on a pill anymore... I'm on real chemo now.
Curt and I roamed the streets and shops for a bit - including the skyway (the best idea EVER in a freezing cold city) - and ended up at an adorable restaurant where our table was soon filled with a delicious meal that neither of us could finish. It was a postcard perfect night. Giant snow flakes were falling outside the window, the staff was absolutely enjoyable, the atmosphere was cheerful with holiday decorations... and I was still pretending to be someone else. But it was time. Time to face the facts. It was this very moment I was looking forward to most about the trip, being able to let it all out.
I hadn't sat down to reflect on this recent news with anyone yet, so this trip couldn't have come at a better time. Besides helping me get a B in high school chem and causing a ruckus at Healthquarters, Curt has always been there to lend an ear and thoughtful advice when I find myself lost in life (which has happened all too many times as a result from losing my mom and being diagnosed myself). I began with the facts and ended with the hope slipping through my fingers. (Thank goodness he felt the need to order us 8 plates of food because it took us that long to get through it all!!)
I finally admitted, to him and myself, that for the first time in eight years I am realizing that I might not beat this. I keep my head pretty damn high and do not dwell on the fact that my tumors are stronger than all of the chemos they have tried. And I haven't stopped being optimistic and believing that there will be an end - an end that involves me WINNING. People always say, stay strong and you will beat this. Well I am being strong!! I have no control over the tumor growth. So why must they keep growing?!
I vented about the fact that my friends are always going out of their way for me (including him). I'm being spoiled. When it's to the point where I find myself needing to ask others for help - they always help. But they also help even when I don't ask nor need it! My sister is carrying the weight of her life and now mine on her shoulders. People are only giving more and more to me and I cannot keep up with repaying the favor. It's overwhelming to be given so much attention and help. I feel entirely selfish and don't know how to handle other people taking care of me for much longer. And it's not that I do not appreciate it - I honestly would be lost in life without the help from friends. But I feel so bad that they are always taking care of me. Then the best line of the whole entire weekend occurred right then and there, "Melrose, you are not being selfish, you're being stupid." I think I laughed until tears built up. It was exactly what I needed to hear. He helped me remove myself from my own shoes and look at it from the outside in. Looking at my situation, I understand where others are coming from. I would do the exact same for anyone one of my friends. Stressing about other people wanting to be there for me is absolutely stupid to stress about. It's not easy always accepting help, but I need to remember those who love me will be by my side, even when I say I'm fine, because that's what friends do. I am so lucky in life to have such amazing friends.
I also came to the biggest realization of my cancer career that night. I am constantly "running away" from my cancer, pretending to be someone I'm not. I am quick to hide my cough as allergies or a cold when in reality it's because there is a tumor growing in my lung. It feels so good to not look like I have a terminal illness. But it also makes it that much easier for me to lie to myself. Is it really being positive when I brush off my diagnosis as not a big deal? I'm quick to talk it down because the chemo I went through before was more intense. If I don't look that sick, then I'm really not that sick, right? It makes it that much easier to pretend to be someone else. But when I get home, the truth is there waiting for me. As well as the anger, frustration, and jealousy.
I am often praised for my good spirit. But is it really considered being in good spirits when I'm running away? Well Curt brought it to my attention that I might feel like I'm running away, but it's not actually considered pretending - it's being a fighter. I'm focusing on what makes me happy in life. I put my energy in the positive, not the negative. I don't sit around in bed and cry because I have cancer, I get off my ass and live life (well, when I'm not sick). In actuality, I'm not running, I'm loving living and not letting cancer become who I am. Last time, I knew there was an end in sight, so it was easier to let the cancer be in the spotlight, then let it end. This time, the end isn't quite clear, so separating who I am from who the cancer is has become a bit more challenging. But I like fighting, it's much more fun living life and being confused about how to allow everyday changes occur than it is to be moping in bed about the changes.
I felt recharged when we left the restaurant. As we walked through the Christmas snow globe of downtown, I was ready to once again own the fact that I have cancer. I'm not entirely happy with the fact, and that's a battle in itself - being okay with something so ANNOYING in life. But I'm a fighter, I am learning more and more everyday about how to deal with it. Some days aren't hard at all. But some days are and I need to learn that it is okay. When the going gets tough, like it did this week, the tough goes to Mall of America with Curt.
This cancer may or may not win the battle with my body, but it will never win over my soul. I will be the strongest fighter because although I'm not selfish with receiving help from friends, I am selfish about life and I want to indulge in every opportunity that knocks on my door... or just appears in my inbox.
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