As I mentioned in Downhill!, finding my vein for treatment was AWFUL. And it's not just finding the vein, it's getting the darn thing to actually work. I've told you before that I have what are referred to as "petite" veins. My chemo nurse was kind enough to describe them as "dainty". Pretty much they are just too thin to support an iv. I have a couple that are good, but those are not easy to find either. They use to be great, but over the years the chemo has caused my veins to cripple up, just like my lungs and hormones. Yup, the inside of me is 80. Good thing I still have good skin!
When my nurse tried the first iv I felt my vein blow. But she tried again and when it blew for a second time I actually jumped from the pain. During this time of nurses digging in my arm my sister's job is to distract me with a story. I focus on my breathing and simply listen trying my hardest not to tense up and make her job harder. Well after the first nurse tried and failed, it was time for my sister to go (she had a graduation to hit up). But being the awesome caregiver she is she stuck around for round two. Another nurse tried on my other arm and this time it hurt bad enough I couldn't even hear what Krissy was saying and I started to cry. Another vein blown.
They let me rest for a moment while they tracked down the Charge Nurse to give it a try. This time I made Krissy go, she was already late. Amy was nervous to be filling such big shoes, but she successfully kept my attention directed on her story about her new fish and the nurse was able to get my iv going. (I know, two thoughts are crossing your mind. 1. It doesn't take much to entertain me, and 2. Amy has her very first pet!? It's name is Algebert, go figure, HA!).
But finding the vein isn't the only hard part during treatment - it's also sitting there and feeling the burn from the chemo! We learned the first time the hard way that I need an extra bag of saline to water down the chemo and a warm blanket to wrap up my arm from freezing. My 30 minute bag now takes almost twice as long because it was painful being pushed so fast through my tiny vein. The burn is so intense that I decided to wait the 21 minutes for the chemo to complete before I got up to use the bathroom - I was afraid getting up and moving my arm would only increase the burn!
The nurses think I'm crazy for not having a port. I tell them that at the very beginning we weren't even sure if this drug was going to work. My doctor is against ports because they increase risk for infection (true, one of my catheters gave me an infection back in 2005). So we decided to just wait and see if it worked before we talked about a port. Well, the excitement of remission made me forget and not care about being stabbed multiple times and I've been pushing through ever since. But now that I'm halfway done I'm not sure if I can keep pushing through the pain.
Thing is, I really really really don't want a port. Sounds crazy after all that pain I just described, right? Thing is, it's a surgical procedure to put it in. My neutrophil counts are so low I'd have to go on Neupogen shots (causing my bone marrow to produce white blood cells at a very rapid rate ALSO causing bone pain). Being cut open does not sound desirable. Nor does paying for it. But there are the vain and lifestyle reasons that are really holding me back. First, it sticks out and is noticeable. Second, there goes my summer at the pool and in the sun. Third, it'll be a TOTAL damper on my dating life.
I shared all of this with my nurse coordinator and I have an appointment set up before treatment next week for the port. It makes me tear up thinking I'm not strong enough to do this without the port. A port would be such a relief, but I can already hear the comments. "Is that a straight iron burn or just a good time?!" UG, why are some people so rude and insensitive? And why do I let it get to me?! Ultimately, it's my decision. To get the port or not to get the port.... I'm just torn.
I'm very pro-port after having many over the years..it didn't ever mess up dating, I still swam and laid out (if it was an internal one)...and if they put it in right it'll nestle into your chest and be harder to see...if you want to talk ports, let me know!
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