The Secret Life of a Cancer Patient

If you're an FB friend then I guess it's no secret.  But from day to day I've become very good at separating my different lives, keeping them from overlapping.  At school I'm a teacher.  That's it.  The only thing about my illness that gets in the way is taking so much time off.  But I'm able to maintain a safe and fun learning environment for my kiddos without my illness being a factor during any part of the day.  Well, I do struggle with opening jars and string cheese packaging because of my numb fingers, but that's manageable!  But when it's quitting time happy hour is calling my name and I find a patio filled with friends and fun.  Thing is, most of those friends though don't know about my other life, the cancer patient.  So many secrets!! 

I don't broadcast the fact that I have cancer or suck it up every 3 weeks for treatment.  People change as soon as they find out.  I'm treated differently.  It's not necessarily bad, but it's a label.  Don't get me wrong, I am VERY proud of the fact that I've beaten cancer... TWICE :).  But a quick "awesome news" or "how ya feeling today" can quickly turn into a serious convo.  Again, things that I do not mind and honestly do enjoy talking about, but it's also SO NICE to walk in the door at night and realize I did not have one cancer-filled convo during the day.  Cancer has taking over my body and life in so many ways so I try my hardest not to let it take over all of my conversations.

Now I also know I'm contradicting myself here.... I've made it very clear that I would not be this strong if it wasn't for the support of everyone in my life.  I think I made it pretty clear in I Just Kicked Cancer's Ass how much I appreciate everyone's support.  Hmmm, so how do I keep my support group but also have fun living life pretending I don't have cancer?  Live a secret life!

So in my secret life I have become good at separating my groups of friends.  Those who know I'm sick and those who don't.  And then there's that group of bff's who know all and I intermix :).  I've said it a million times and will say it a million times more - I am so incredibly blessed in life to have so many close friends.  Aunt Ronna once told me that you don't just "have" friends.  You earn them.  And I feel proud to look at my group of girlfriends who have all been true friends before the whole cancer thing even came along.

Again, my secret life isn't so secret... especially with FB and JRob's obsession with check-ins :)  But I like to pretend it is.  Most cancer patients learn to live calm and simple lives.  But what do you do when you're a single 20-something with more energy than most chemo patients?  Hop around town making endless memories... because you never know which one could be the last.
 
My sister bites her lip with her sarcastic comments when I'm going through 20 questions with my doc.  On my last scans there was one lymph node that showed a bit of activity, but it was so tiny and in my abdomen that they did not think it was the cancer; probably just some sort of infection.  "Have you had an infection or anything lately?"  "Nope, I've been great.  The kiddos had an awful fever thing during the last week of school but I never caught it.  My body is probably just fighting that off?"  The whole time Krissy is smirking but holding back, "Possibly could it be from the 5am swim in the freezing cold pool?  The pool that was not 100% treated yet? Or only getting 2 hours of sleep in between your Friday night festivities and bloody-mary breakfast on Saturday?  OH, and then followed by more time in the not-quite-ready pool?"  My docs know I like to party; they will joke about me having more than just one beer or that staying out on the dance floor could be what is depleting my energy, not just the chemo!  So I know that I don't always make the healthiest of decisions... but don't worry, I do listen to my body when it tells me to slow down.

Maybe my secret life isn't all that secret, but I like to pretend it is.  When I'm out and about meeting new people, they want to get to know me for me - not because of my story.  But if it comes up, it comes up.  Last summer I had the most raspy voice that I blamed on "allergies" when in reality it was from a tumor in my lung.  This summer I have zero obvious side effects from the chemo making the truth much easier to hide.  No, it doesn't always make sense to hide something that I am most proud of in life.  But every now and then it feels good to escape the reality of needles, nausea, and bills and let loose.