And the truth comes out

Last night I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep while my brain was running a mile a minute thinking about this guy I'm dating.  He's incredibly fun, as peppy as I am, driven, outgoing, warm-hearted, and always making me laugh.  When I'm not with him I plan my week so I can see him again.  So how come when I'm with him I have that thought in the back of my head, "How much longer until I move on?"  I keep hoping that my issue with settling down is because of the guys, not me.  But then how do I explain it to myself when I meet someone so great, feel so comfortable, and enjoy myself so much that I begin wonder how much longer it will last?

While laying in bed thinking about this great guy and picking my brain why I make this so complicated I began to cry.  I began to cry because I knew what I was finally going to admit to myself.  It's been hiding inside of me for awhile now, but I've been too brave to admit it.  It hurt so much to finally admit it to myself.  And I'm honestly embarrassed to admit it to all of you. 

If I settle down with someone I'm going to have to let him into my cancer life.  And sure this guy knows about it, we've been friends for awhile now, but it's so much more of a big deal when I make it someone else's deal, too.  What I have been so afraid to admit is the truth.  And for me to become comfortable enough with someone I need to be honest with him.  Only before I can be honest with anyone else, I need to be honest with myself.

I am very quick to say that the cancer is not coming back.  If I will it away, it shall not return.  If I focus on positive thinking I will not have cancer.  I half joke when I say that so do I really believe it?  To an extent I guess.  I am very healthy for the diagnosis I have received.  And a huge part of that is due to my positive thinking throughout treatment.  But when I relapsed last year, was it because of negative thinking?  Absolutely not.  I was at my healthiest I had been in years... or so I felt.  I cannot control everything in my body.  But what I can control is how I deal with it.  And I'm pretty proud of myself for how strong I have been dealing with this relapse for the past year and a half.  But I'm afraid the power of positive thinking can only take me so far.

Maybe I've been watching too many Grey's Anatomy reruns, maybe it's the lack of sleep from school starting, or maybe it's because I've met a great guy and possibly he just isn't the one.  But the thought of bringing him (or anyone) into my life with an unknown future seems like the most selfish thing I could ever do to someone.  Hell, my cancer might never come back.  But there's a chance that it will.  And that chance is bigger than the chance I had a year and a half ago.. and it still came back.  And along with the chance of my cancer, I have many higher percentages to other cancers.  On paper, my future does not look cancer free.  Krissy and Amy have both been in the room to hear it themselves.  It's not bad news, my doctor is very hopeful.  But when you hear how unsure her tone of voice is when she says, "I'm crossing my fingers." it's a pang of realism.  My future is entirely unknown. 

I'm not thinking negatively, but instead sticking with realistically.  I get my optimism from my mom; the same place I got my realism.  When she told my sister and I that she was moving home from the hospital for good she was happy and she was cheerful.  She also told us the reason she was home for good was because she was going to have home nurses from Hospice.  We then learned she only had 8 months left to live.  It was one of those moments in life I can describe every detail that surrounded that conversation.  She wasn't negative, she smiled and she was real.  Her news was awful, but she still seemed positive.  And hopeful.

I'm trying really hard to justify my thoughts of the future as real, not negative.  I want to take what I saw from my mom and apply it to how I can better deal with my own life.  I live in the present, live for what makes me happy.  But you know what will make me happy?  Falling in love.  Settling down with someone and creating a life together.  Problem is, that involves more than just the present...

It's kind of like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders now that I'm finally admitting my concern for my future.  I feel a bit like a coward, I should be stronger and say, "Nonsense!  It's never coming back!".  But I'm also not in denial.  I had to always be prepped for the worst as a kid because the worst was often occurring in my household.  Trips to the ER, spending holidays at the neighbors while my parents spent it at the hospital, getting off the bus to find an ambulance outside my house... more than any child should ever bare.  So in my preparation now, do I avoid falling in love so I do not ruin someone else's life with cancer?  Or take the chance with the possibility that we can grow old together without anymore cancer hiccups?  The bigger question is, can I even figure out how to fall in love without feeling guilty.  Back to baby steps.  I've finally admitted the hardest thing to myself.  As I've learned, time heals all.  So I'll just sit on this for awhile, enjoy the present, and let time calm my nerves about the future.  There's not enough time in the world for worry and stress - time heals all.