The Chemo Hangover

Well this just suuuuuuuuucks.  I have felt like crap for the past 24 hours.  Treatment was yesterday and went as usual.  The nurse dug around in my arm looking for a vein causing incredible pain.  During treatment my arm hurt and swelled from the fluid.  Krissy tried to entertain me which turned into me simply annoying her.  Just our typical visit to Siteman.  I walked out feeling very wishy-washy in my head.  I officially no longer trust myself driving home.  Hands gripped on the wheel, triple checking my blind spot as I try to merge, losing focus and going the wrong way... I'm a mess.  Treatment is starting to get the best of me.  And BTW, why do they call it treatment?!  There is NO treat about it.  Well, besides the bag of starburst jellybeans Krissy brought along and I devoured. 

I woke up today just minutes before I was suppose to leave for school... at 10:45.  I take half days the day after treatment so I can sleep off as much of the hangover as possible.  I'm not much of a sleeper-iner but just the mere fact that I can lay in bed all morning helps.  Today my sleeping-in hit an  new record.  When I arrived at school the other teachers could immediately tell I wasn't right.  After an hour they convinced me that I needed to go back home.  Apparently I looked as bad as I felt.  So home I went.  Exhausted.

The part I hate the most about all of this is taking care of myself.  Have you ever stayed home sick and found you'd rather lay in bed thirsty than muster the energy to get a drink from the fridge?  I had that battle with myself a couple times today.  I just want to be selfish.  And it's hard to do that when I don't have a significant other (which is my choice) to take care of me.  But I don't have a mother, either.  My sister actually has a real job and 382093 other things on her plate.  My roommates are in their own relationship.  My friends all work.  So I get mad because I don't want to make my own food let alone clean up my dishes (even if it was simply a frozen dinner that I popped in the oven from Trader Joe's).  I don't want to have to cancel plans the night before treatment so I can run errands and get all things in order before I devote my next few days to my bed.  I just don't want to do it anymore.

I know I'm complaining and I really really really try to find the positive, but I blame today on the unexpected nausea.  Being nauseous is seriously one of the most ANNOYING feelings.  I wasn't in pain today (thank goodness) I was just incredibly uncomfortable.  My body is truly exhausted and it feels like I'm lugging around the body of an elephant.  From my experience with every other chemo I've been on, recovery only gets tougher.  I can't believe that I'm already feeling this bad and I only have 6 down.... that means TEN MORE.  Uuuuuuuggg.  If I only had just a couple more treatments to go I'm sure I wouldn't be this big of a Debbie Downer right now.  Sure everyone gets sick now and then and we all learn how to suck it up and take care of ourselves.  But this is EVERY THREE WEEKS.  I was feeling soo energized earlier this week.  But I guess that's when I should know it's time for chemo - when I actually feel really well.

I'm quite possibly over annoyed right now as well because tomorrow marks one year since I relapsed.  It's emotional.  It's a day I will never forget.  And even though it was over 8 years ago, I can also tell you about every moment that occurred when I received the very first phone call of my life informing me I have cancer.  As well as the phone call after my transplant that not all of the cancer was destroyed (hence this current relapse).  I'm sure I just need a day or two to feel better physically and I will mentally find myself on the same level.   I always do.  But until then I will be sulking and eating 5000 calories a day to keep the nausea away (and no I'm not exaggerating, I consumed A LOT of food today.  Yippie for swimsuit season....).