I finally figured it out.

It wasn't an ah-ha moment, but while driving this morning (I am so obsessed with my car - it is an amazing therapy in my life) I was thinking about it... and I'm okay.  I have cancer, and it's okay.  I've been mentioning this over and over again, hoping the chaos of living as a cancer patient will eventually settle with me.  The unknown of my future and how to deal with it in the present has been one of the biggest issues with relapsing... well, that and keeping up on stupid medical bills.  But it's finally settled in a good place with me.  It's no longer a cloud blurring my thoughts.

I'm on the horizon of my 30th birthday.  There is still so much I want in life, and of course this cloud of cancer has been hiding me from my goals.  Growing in my career, moving out again on my own, settling down with someone... things that should be easily obtainable but I just don't feel comfortable trying to accomplish while the status of my health is in the air.  I've put my immediate goals in life on hold while I wait for the docs to fix this cancerous mess.  And I that is exactly why I felt stuck and so challenged in accepting cancer as a part of my life... how am I suppose to move on while the cancer isn't?  Well, I still do feel slightly stuck.  But I've come to terms and have learned to be okay with it. Having so much unknown about the future is scary for sure.  This cold that I'm starting, will it put me in the hospital again?  Is this chemo actually working or a waste of time and money?  If I hit remission, will it all just happen again a year later?  There are too many what-ifs with an unknown future.  And that is exactly what I was hung up on.

It has been most helpful getting to this point talking about it with friends.  I know it's not easy for a lot of people to talk about, it's a strange conversation - no one really knows what to say.  Heck, I don't know what to say sometimes.  I think it's taken all of  my friends time as well to let this settle.  But it has finally become part of my everyday life.  It's not something I announce when I enter a room, but it's also something I no longer hide with lies in a conversation.  If it comes up I am finally comfortable and strong enough to say it'll be okay... without lying to myself either.  I can't believe it's taken me almost a year to reach this point, but damn it feels good.

This morning I was hanging out with Sheila and among all important topics to be discussed before breakfast we reviewed my idea of the perfect man.  And as a natural bestie, She is always looking to set me up with someone.  As she goes on and on about this super nice guy who is completing his med school residency, she then pauses with, "But here's the THING... He has no idea how to dress.  He needs your help in that department."  I reply with, "Well, first, that is something I can easily fix.  And second, when you tell your friend all about me, how are you going to bring up, 'Oh, but here's the THING... she's on chemo.  With an indefinite prognosis."  Sheila, Alex and I look at each other and just start laughing.  Alex (her hubby) continues to include that he lives out of state.  Phew, got out of another one of Sheila's suitors! 

I love that I have reached a state with my friends that even though this actually is a serious matter in life, we don't have to treat it seriously.  Now don't get me wrong, if I need to it be a serious topic in convo, my friends could quickly turn on the serious switch.  But I am very satisfied that even though I have cancer, there are more important things to talk about - like I have yet to find a new blazer, where will Brit and I will have our weekly happy hour this week, and how will I top my moon-pie surprise for Krissy's birthday next weekend!  I like having to worry about the little things in life that aren't really worries at all - it makes life seem much simpler :)