My first week of remission has been wonderful. It's pretty fun being able to tell people my fabulous news and watch the reactions. But as fun as this has been, cloud
nine did not last as long as you would think.
I haven’t actually done any major I’m-in-remission-celebrating, possibly
because even though there are no more tumors, there still is chemo. I still feel like I have cancer. BUT, with that said, I sure have been much
happier and more easy going this past week!
How I’ve been
physically…
The chemo hangover is long gone, the treatment bruises have mostly faded, and I am once again physically rejuvenated. The only thing holding me back at the moment is the neurothopy in my hands and arms. In the beginning I was told I would begin to experience some numbness. Well, they do fall asleep more often than usual; especially while I’m sleeping. And I get the occasional tingles. But as for complete numbness, I’m fortunate to say I have not reached that hurdle. What is actually occurring is absolutely, utterly annoying achiness. It hurts. My hands, my arms, sometimes even my shoulders. Have you ever had a rather intense workout and then find yourself hurting when moving your achy body? That’s how my hands are. But I don’t have to move. They ache just sitting there. I don’t think anyone realizes how much they use their hands in a day! I’ve attributed it to over using my fine motor skills. Too much time at the computer, driving more than usual… they let me know when they are done! As of now the docs have me overdosing on ibuprofen. It hasn’t eliminated the pain but it sure does make it more bearable! They said if this continues my next treatment will be a lower dosage. If it’s already this intense (with the knowledge that side effects only get worse as time wears on), then come 10 months from now I might go crazy! But then again, crazy isn’t all that bad compared to endless nights of throwing up or watching my hair fall out - side-effectville could be worse! Thing is, I am AWFUL when it comes to pain. I can suck it up for the most part and push through being sick, but when I’m in pain I am the biggest crabass. Ask Kristin Jane, I can get pretty high maintenance.
The chemo hangover is long gone, the treatment bruises have mostly faded, and I am once again physically rejuvenated. The only thing holding me back at the moment is the neurothopy in my hands and arms. In the beginning I was told I would begin to experience some numbness. Well, they do fall asleep more often than usual; especially while I’m sleeping. And I get the occasional tingles. But as for complete numbness, I’m fortunate to say I have not reached that hurdle. What is actually occurring is absolutely, utterly annoying achiness. It hurts. My hands, my arms, sometimes even my shoulders. Have you ever had a rather intense workout and then find yourself hurting when moving your achy body? That’s how my hands are. But I don’t have to move. They ache just sitting there. I don’t think anyone realizes how much they use their hands in a day! I’ve attributed it to over using my fine motor skills. Too much time at the computer, driving more than usual… they let me know when they are done! As of now the docs have me overdosing on ibuprofen. It hasn’t eliminated the pain but it sure does make it more bearable! They said if this continues my next treatment will be a lower dosage. If it’s already this intense (with the knowledge that side effects only get worse as time wears on), then come 10 months from now I might go crazy! But then again, crazy isn’t all that bad compared to endless nights of throwing up or watching my hair fall out - side-effectville could be worse! Thing is, I am AWFUL when it comes to pain. I can suck it up for the most part and push through being sick, but when I’m in pain I am the biggest crabass. Ask Kristin Jane, I can get pretty high maintenance.
How I’ve been
mentally…
It’s amazing to have a giant stressor be lifted off of my shoulders. As emotional as I was, I began to feel guilty that others seemed more excited than me. As relieved as I am, it’s still disappointing that the chemo is long from over. Like I’ve said before, the tumors didn’t bother me one bit. It’s the chemo I have issues with! All of the excitement about entering remission was buzzing around me, but instead of being overly excited, I became overly anxious. I didn’t know why. After about five days of this building I found myself waking up absolutely depressed. Seriously, who feels like this only FIVE DAYS after learning they are in full remission?! Talk about drama queen. I had dinner with JRob and suddenly found myself venting about all of life’s possibilities… career, money, relationships… I felt like there was so much weighing me down in life! With no tumors, I now view life with so many more opportunities. Instead of just dating, maybe I can actually start a relationship without feeling guilty? Maybe I should start saving more money instead of giving it all away to Barnes? I could possibly look forward for growth in my career instead of just hanging out and having fun? Now I guess all of these were always possibilities, but with an unknown future I didn't give a second thought to any of these options. JRob's honest response made me laugh; she nailed it on the head. Now that I know I’m not going anywhere any time soon, and I’m not stressed about things like transplants or horrible life news, I get to start dealing with all life’s normal stresses again. Haha why did life seem easier when I had tumors growing inside of me?!
I'm glad to have figured out why I'm feeling overwhelmed and lost. I now know why I feel guilty when others are more excited when congratulating me on my amazing news. But I need to figure out how to deal with my never-ending thoughts! And get over this stupid slump and back to my positive place! Thirty is on the horizon and I have only accomplished ONE thing on my list of life goals that I had hoped to achieve by now... and even though it is something I am SO PROUD of myself for finally completing, most everyone my age graduated from college 7 years ago, not 2. I feel so far behind, pausing life yet another year to cancer. I spent the last 12 months living life and and having fun for sure - no regrets there! But I look forward and see another 10 months of pain and frustration only followed by uncertainty - this is definitely not my normal, optimistic self. I am just lost in my thoughts... When will I feel comfortable living on my own again? When will I know it's time to settle down with someone? How will I ever get myself out of this hell of medical debt? Why did life seem easier with tumors?! Haha, I guess this is what everyone else in the world feels. Everyday, ordinary stress.
I think this is harder to deal with life's little things because I am actually responsible for these decisions. With the tumors I had no control - I just stayed positive and pushed through the frustration and pain. This everyday life stress is in my court. Time to stop dwelling and start doing. I plan on staying here awhile, and I plan on making the best of it. I am blessed with so much wonderfulness in life, I need to remember that. There isn't enough time to stress about the ordinary things - instead, I need to enjoy it :)
It’s amazing to have a giant stressor be lifted off of my shoulders. As emotional as I was, I began to feel guilty that others seemed more excited than me. As relieved as I am, it’s still disappointing that the chemo is long from over. Like I’ve said before, the tumors didn’t bother me one bit. It’s the chemo I have issues with! All of the excitement about entering remission was buzzing around me, but instead of being overly excited, I became overly anxious. I didn’t know why. After about five days of this building I found myself waking up absolutely depressed. Seriously, who feels like this only FIVE DAYS after learning they are in full remission?! Talk about drama queen. I had dinner with JRob and suddenly found myself venting about all of life’s possibilities… career, money, relationships… I felt like there was so much weighing me down in life! With no tumors, I now view life with so many more opportunities. Instead of just dating, maybe I can actually start a relationship without feeling guilty? Maybe I should start saving more money instead of giving it all away to Barnes? I could possibly look forward for growth in my career instead of just hanging out and having fun? Now I guess all of these were always possibilities, but with an unknown future I didn't give a second thought to any of these options. JRob's honest response made me laugh; she nailed it on the head. Now that I know I’m not going anywhere any time soon, and I’m not stressed about things like transplants or horrible life news, I get to start dealing with all life’s normal stresses again. Haha why did life seem easier when I had tumors growing inside of me?!
I'm glad to have figured out why I'm feeling overwhelmed and lost. I now know why I feel guilty when others are more excited when congratulating me on my amazing news. But I need to figure out how to deal with my never-ending thoughts! And get over this stupid slump and back to my positive place! Thirty is on the horizon and I have only accomplished ONE thing on my list of life goals that I had hoped to achieve by now... and even though it is something I am SO PROUD of myself for finally completing, most everyone my age graduated from college 7 years ago, not 2. I feel so far behind, pausing life yet another year to cancer. I spent the last 12 months living life and and having fun for sure - no regrets there! But I look forward and see another 10 months of pain and frustration only followed by uncertainty - this is definitely not my normal, optimistic self. I am just lost in my thoughts... When will I feel comfortable living on my own again? When will I know it's time to settle down with someone? How will I ever get myself out of this hell of medical debt? Why did life seem easier with tumors?! Haha, I guess this is what everyone else in the world feels. Everyday, ordinary stress.
I think this is harder to deal with life's little things because I am actually responsible for these decisions. With the tumors I had no control - I just stayed positive and pushed through the frustration and pain. This everyday life stress is in my court. Time to stop dwelling and start doing. I plan on staying here awhile, and I plan on making the best of it. I am blessed with so much wonderfulness in life, I need to remember that. There isn't enough time to stress about the ordinary things - instead, I need to enjoy it :)
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